Batman and Robin (1997)Directed by: Joel Schumacher
Running Time: 2 hours and 4 minutes.
I first watched this film at its advance opening premiere in Tempe back in 1997. I wisely have avoided it since then but recently decided to watch it and provide a running commentary mentioning some of its highlights since all I remembered about it was the infamous Bat Nipples.
Shortly after the movie begins, the camera focuses in on a Nite-Brite Batmobile that looks likes it's powered by a spinning blue light disco ball.
Robin quips: "I want a car. Chicks dig the car." And, we're off. One of the worst films of all time begins with one of the stupidest opening lines ever. I feel like a boxer who was knocked to his knees by the first punch in Round One.
Already, I can't help but feel that the producers of this film bought neon lights at a bulk discount rate. Also, every scene looks like the aftermath of a tragic Crayola explosion.
(3:21 mark) Alfred inexplicably cries in the corner of the Bat-Cave. Apparently, he already knows how much of a suck-fest the film is going to be.
In the first fight between Batman and Robin vs. Mr. Freeze, ice skating goons that Robin refers to as the "hockey team from Hell" appear out of nowhere in a scene that looks straight out of Strange Brew. You know you're in trouble if an action movie is ripping off fight choreography from Bob and Doug McKenzie.
Anyway, The Governator awkwardly spits out his first line of this masterpiece: "The ice man cometh."
I wish he'd goeth away now.
Hey Bats, why do you think they're going through
all of this trouble for this cheesy-looking
fake diamond?
(7:02 mark) No #@$!ing way! Did Batman and Robin just click their heels together to make ice blades come out of their boots?
(7:30 mark) Oh, no he didn't! The Freezinator just tossed a security guard 25 feet up into the air to knock his freeze gun from off its perch on a giant rock. I am almost positive the exact same thing happened in Shakespeare's Merchant of Venice.
Random Questions Pop Into My Head As I Watch: Was everybody who worked on this film on drugs? Does Joel Schumacher even possess a soul? Wasn't Mr. Freeze a skinny old nerd in the comic books? Is it even physically possible for ice skaters to pole vault?
(9:58 mark) And now the former Mr. Universe has launched a rocket out of the Freeze Mobile with Robin hanging onto the side. Batman's sidekick must be stronger than gravity and physics combined.
(10:40 mark) Mr. Freeze informs Batman: "At 30,000 feet your heart will freeze and beat no more." This I did not know. I can't believe this man was elected Governor of California. I'm pretty sure his opponent would have won by a landslide if he simply showed clips of this film during the debates. At least this film can't get any worse.
(11:11 mark) Huh. I guess it can. Mr. Freeze just leaped from the high-speeding rocket and pulled on a rip cord to release giant metal wings from his Cryo-Suit.
(12:03 mark) Oh good, the dynamic duo managed to save Gotham from being turned into a smoking crater. They program the rocket to blow up in space (because the millions of tons of debris won't come back down eventually) then jump out of it using the thick metal doors as floating boogie boards. Are they #@$!ing with me? Was this written by Beavis and Butthead?
(13:24 mark) Fun fact, kiddos! You can plummet thousands of feet toward certain doom and break your fall at the last second by firing a freeze cannon at the ground, thus turning it into ice! Everybody knows that falling a mile and landing on ice (even softer slushy ice) would in no way shatter every bone in your body and turn your organs into soup.
To say this movie is over the top is a tad bit obvious, kind of like saying it is better to experience a two-hour orgasm than to be eaten alive by porcupines.
(13:47 mark) Yeah! Mr. Freeze turned Robin into a block of ice. No more inane dialog from you, Mr. O'Donnell! Unfortunately, we still have to listen to Mr. Schwarzenegger: "Stay cool, bird boy!"
(15:05 mark) Damn. Batman just thawed the Boy Hostage out. How can there be over an hour and 45 minutes left in this movie?
Oh wow, I don't think I can keep watching today. I'll see if I can stomach the rest tomorrow.
To Be Continued Tomorrow...
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2 comments:
You know, Chris, a primary reason that America is in the almost terminal state it's in comes from the tens of millions of Americans who evidently finds their mental stimulus begins and ends with this kind of trivial nonsense. We would rather live, not just in juvenile culture, but in corporatized and franchised culture. The process is the equivalent of consuming half-a-dozen intellectual and artistic Big Macs a day. And it is coming to define our culture, coming to destroy our very world with its mindless greed and indifference.
Wow. I couldn't agree more. Admittedly, I'm guilty of living in juvenile culture far too often. Still, I try to balance it out. For every Batman and Robin that literally rots my brain, I try to counter it with a dose of Shakespeare to preserve what is left.
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