Batman and Robin Revisited (Part Three)

(See Previous Passing Thoughts Blog Entries for Parts One and Two)

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I will finally complete my running commentary of the 1997 film Batman and Robin for the five people out there who are interested.

(45:27 mark) In perhaps the biggest “Holy Shit” moment of the movie, Batman and Robin compete in an auction bid for Poison Ivy that reaches several million dollars before Batman suddenly pulls out a credit card with the bat logo on it. It actually says “Good thru forever." Batman is willing to pay millions in Bat Cash for an overacting Uma.

He even utters the line: “Never leave the cave without it."

This is the GREATEST MOMENT IN MOVIE HISTORY!

Fast Fact: Did you know that the budget for this film was over $140 million? That’s approximately one million for every time Arnold says the words “cool” or "cold."

(48:55 mark) Why are there giant half-naked bronze statues in every corner of Gotham? Did they rename it Gaytham in between films?

(49:25 mark) Honest to God, the key players are now engaged in a car chase on one of the aforementioned giant statues. It ends with three vehicles jumping from a giant open hand. I am speechless for a whole 30 seconds. Anybody who knows me understands this is an incredible feat.

Finally, I ask aloud: How did this movie only win one Razzie Award (Worst Supporting Actress: Alicia Silverstone)? Absolutely mind boggling.

(57:00 mark) Look, it’s the most psychedelic gang of street thugs ever. They are immersed in glow-in-the-dark black light body paint with shiny white skull-like faces, I feel like I climbed directly into a Joel Schumacher nightmare. Any second now, they’ll break out into a song and play Twister.

(57:21 mark) Actual dialog from head glowstick gang guy: “Hello, my pretty, pretty, pretty.” Was this nominated for a Best Screenplay Oscar?

Let's skip ahead a bit...

(1:13:55 mark) More Championship Caliber Dialog:

Robin: I can’t believe we were fighting over a bad guy.
Batman: Bad? Yes. Guy? No.

Who knew Batman was such a homophobe? Why then does he live in Gaytham City?

(1:22:21 mark) Poison Ivy unveils a disturbingly-cartoonish animatronic flower creature that will supposedly usher in a new era for mankind blah blah blah. Her plan is to repopulate the world from scratch. Arnold and Uma will be Adam and Eve. It kind of has a nice ring to it. I am now officially rooting for the bad guys.

(1:25:52 mark) During the ceremony when officials unveil Gotham’s new Super Gawdy Telescope, some ecstatic extra in a tux is jumping up and down like he’s just won the lottery. Regardless, he is still the best actor in this film.

(1:35:39 mark) Alfred the butler does an uncanny Max Headroom impersonation. Simply fantastic! But it raises a vexing question: what kind of perverted old man “takes the liberty” of designing a skin-tight rubber Batgirl outfit for his young adult niece?

(1:37:40 mark) Robin the Boy Blunder asks Poison Ivy: “Is your thumb the only thing on you that’s green?” Yowza, yowza, yowza. All we need now is some music: bow chicka mow mow.

(1:38:50 mark) Robin: “I hate to disappoint you, but rubber lips are immune to your charms.” Hmm. I believe rubber chickens are, as well.

(1:39:30 mark) Batgirl drops in (literally, of course) and scolds Ivy: “You’re about to become compost.” Kind of like this entire movie.

(1:40:45 mark) A giant venus flytrap plant eats Poison Ivy. I now realize that Joel Schumaker is basically Ed Wood with a big budget.

(1:41:37) Worst pun of the film, hands down: “Let’s kick some ice.”



Then, the movie really starts to go downhill.

Mr. Freeze encases all of Gotham in ice using the telescope, his freeze gun and... well, who really cares?

Robin says something insensitive about how all of the “gothamites” will be “ice cubes” permanently in another eight minutes or so. Batgirl figures they can save the city by using space satellites to reflect the “sunlight from the Congo” back to Gotham and thaw it out. There may be one problem with her plan: reality.

Long story short, the good guys win, but not before Batman taunts his enemy: “Hey Freeze, the heat is on.” That’s the best line the overpaid screenwriter could come up with? Glenn Frey must be rolling in his grave... well, if he was dead he certainly would be.

The Gothamites avoid their perpetual ice cube fate, and Alfred is magically saved from his made-up fatal disease in the happiest of endings. Well, almost. The Batman franchise did indeed die ingloriously and it disappeared for numerous years until the men from Momento and American Pscyho joined forces to successfully resurrect it.