Batman and Robin Revisited (Part Two)

(See Previous Passing Thoughts Blog Entry for
Part One)

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I will now resume my running commentary of the 1997 film Batman and Robin, starting with Uma Thurman's first appearance in the film.

(15:30 mark) Oh, Uma, Uma. You can certainly act better than this. You were nominated for an Oscar once, for God's sake.

(17:45 mark) A mad scientist with Yahoo Serious hair creates the supervillain Bane by pumping some involuntary guinea pig-schmuck full of green steroid venom juice. I would have called him “Bonds” but that’s just me.

(18:45 mark) Huh? The remorseless convict who was forced to undergo a disturbing and painful procedure decides to lay a beatdown on the bastard who tries to keep him restrained. Didn’t see that coming.

(20:40 mark) Note to self: Don’t throw a disgruntled crazy employee into a shallow grave of toxic chemicals and plant vines. She might soon turn into a supervillain and seek terrible vengeance.

(24:26 mark) Yup. She comes back! And, she's a lot sexier, too. Being buried in the ground with toxic chemicals will do that to you. It also makes Uma act even worse. Suddenly, she is speaking like a 1920s sexpot.

(27:53 mark) Of course. Mr. Freeze’s “Cryo-Suit” runs on diamonds. How practical.

(30:19 mark) And now, Alicia Silverstone makes her first appearance. She calls the Bat Butler “Uncle Alfred.” He can’t believe his niece came all the way from England. I can’t either, since she doesn’t even remotely have a British accent. She has more of a blonde accent.

(30:30 mark) Ms. Clueless reveals that both of her parents were killed in a car accident years ago. Does every superhero have to be an orphan? Let’s do the math: Batman plus Robin plus Batgirl = SIX dead parents.

(34:05 mark) Damn, Gotham is one ugly city. I think it was designed by cartoon characters on crack.


Everybody in Gotham was happy that the city planner
opted for the "Half-Naked Bronze Guy Cupping the Lamp
Post Balls" design for Old Town St.

(40:10 mark) Dancing, half-naked savages at some big Gotham bash are now swinging from vines over the crowd below. Visions of Haircut 100 singing Love Plus One prance around in my head. This movie is only slightly less gay than Brokeback Mountain.

(41:58 mark) This is difficult to describe. Somebody in a pink, puffy ape-suit (made out of what appears to be giant cotton balls) is getting his dance groove on. Oh wait, it’s revealed to be Poison Ivy. Whew. Thought we ventured into Surrealville for a moment, but...

(43:08 mark) Uma now dons a green feathery unitard. She also sports long magenta hair! She is very, very hot... until she speaks. Still, heterosexuals of the world have found a reason to keep watching.

(43:24 mark) Nope. Now, the gay-meter just exploded. The sheer Uma-ness of the scene apparently had to be balanced by a bunch of buff beefcakes in loin cloths. They actually lay on the ground flat so that Uma can walk on them. The critical voice inside me wonders if it all may be a smidge ostentatious.

I think I'll give my eyes a rest and try again tomorrow because I am a glutton for punishment.

To Be Continued Tomorrow...