Instructions Following My Death

Someday, I will probably die.

I have given this matter a lot of thought and it has occurred to me that Death will most likely be immune to my charms. As much as I’d like to believe that I am the one person on earth that will be spared of this universal punchline, in reality there is probably only a 40 or 50% chance of that happening.

It has also occurred to me that one or two people might actually miss me and be a little sad when that final day comes for me. Oh, I suppose I am being modest.

I am sure my death will affect four or five (million? billion?) people at the least.

In fact, I think I’m not out of line to believe that when I’m gone the world will certainly split apart and sink into eternal oblivion.

I know, I know. I sound a little self-centered here, but really, I only am concerned about everybody else.

So, I decided I will leave behind some brief instructions to be followed by everybody in the event that I die. All I ask is that everyone who is still alive to follow them.

Thank you.

*******************************************************

When I Die

When I die (and I suppose I will die),
I ask only that the entire world cry
Blue masses of tears from earth to sky,
An endless stream of incalculable size
Trickling from every face, every eye.
Yes, I believe that would suffice.

When I die (painlessly and gloriously)
I want every newspaper front page to decree:
“Turn off the clocks and remain forever in bed,
Why bother living in the world if such a man is dead?”
I would also ask the sun to permanently set,
A world trapped in darkness will never forget.

When I die and turn my life’s final page,
I want Congress to ban the alcohol drinking age,
Because how else will the little ones cope
When they lose their greatest source of hope?
Let little Joe and Jane raise a glass and shout:
“We’ll miss you, my friend” before they pass out.

When I die, and I suppose I have now, haven’t I?
I want lifelong atheists to embrace the church,
The most devoted Christians to question God’s worth,
I want black to become white and white to become plaid,
Because when I’m gone nothing will make sense
Or even rhyme, dammit.

Oh, and one last thing
When I shuffle off this mortal spring...
Please chisel on my solid gold headstone:
“Here Lies a Man, Awesome to the Bone
Whose Departure Made Us All Feel Alone.
Now, Stop Reading This and Go the #^@! Home!”


Chris Pollay, 2008

The Boogeyman Lives! (Part Two)

The Boogeyman is like the symbolic equivalent to Santa Claus for the first eleven months of the year. In December, kids better “be good for goodness sake” because Santa is an ill-tempered bastard who is not afraid to withhold toys from kids if they piss him off.

I mean, really, why does HE get to decide if kids are good or bad? One bad day could mean coal in your stocking (a veiled threat to burn down your house if I ever did hear one).

Parents use Santa to keep their kids in line late in the year. It’s kind of distressing, actually, but The Boogeyman is much, much worse.

After all, the nightmarish creature is a living, breathing manifestation of every child’s worst fears that will come and get them if they misbehave... and it can find anyone at anytime and at anywhere!

Is it me, or does it seem a little bit dramatic to tell your kids to brush their teeth and be asleep within an hour or The Boogeyman will pay them a visit? Of course, knowing such a creature existed was enough to keep me from ever falling asleep between the ages of six and twelve.

Talk about a sinister concept. What are you afraid of? Well, for me, my younger self was terrified of centipedes and spiders (especially giant man-sized ones), the Grim Reaper, ghosts and demons.

I never did actually meet The Boogeyman (who is such a bad-ass that I even capitalize the “The” before his name) but I knew exactly what he looked like: He was about 14 feet tall, with giant centipede arms, skeleton legs, demonic eyes, one thousand razor-sharp teeth, a vacuous smile, spidery-legged wings and he dressed in an ebony cloak that sucked all the light of existence into its blood-soaked embrace.

I slept with the closet doors open (to see That Bastard coming) and all my comics books stuffed under my bed, so that this fiend from Hell could not fit under there while I sat up, ever on guard.

And the kicker? I was basically a good kid (well, until I hit puberty anyway). I didn’t think I deserved to be visited by The Boogeyman, but my brothers were such pains-in-the-ass that I was sure he’d come for them and slither into my room by mistake.

Of course, I take some comfort in knowing that I was not the only sleep-deprived child to suffer permanent psychoses due to this creature of ultimate evil. The Bastard has been around for hundreds of years.

The history itself is muddled enough where it’s hard to say the actual origin of the concept. However, it is likely related to pirates.

Some etymologists trace the word “Boogey” back to the 17th Century when England lost hundreds of merchant ships to Barbary pirates who liked to kill, torture and enslave their victims. Near the coasts of Devon and Cornwall was the port of Boujaya, or Bougie in French. Most sailors were afraid The Bougie men would get them. And, they were right, apparently.

Also during my intrepid studies, I was quite surprised to discover that somebody recently introduced visual evidence of the so-called mythological Boogeyman to prove its actual existence.

I always assumed such a creature could not be photographed since its reflection would change depending on who was viewing it, but clearly that is not the case.

While The Boogeyman might change some of its minor surface details to reciprocate the fear of its victims, there is, apparently, one underlying concept of terror that applies to every single being in the entire universe.

In other words, there is something so dreadful that it could be considered the physical incarnation of ultimate evil and fear throughout all of existence. Don’t believe me? Just look at the picture below.

The Boogeyman Lives! (Part One)

Lately, I’ve been thinking about what scares me.
I mean, REALLY scares me.

I have had my share of recurring nightmares. A frequent one features impossibly fast flying snakes that dart toward me from all sides and angles until I ward them off armed only with a garden hoe.

It’s odd, to be sure. I’m not normally afraid of snakes. I won’t pick one up, mind you, but they move along slowly enough on the ground where I feel it does not take much more than brisk walking speed to avoid them.

Hence why my subconscious mind gives them the ability to fly. As for the garden hoe... why I use that a weapon is a mystery to me. Combine that with a phallic symbol like the snake and I’m sure you could have a Freudian field day.

Regardless, I am not particularly adept with garden tools, and yet in these dreams I can catch striking snakes with the handle’s edge and fling them off into the distance in one radically fluid ninja-like motion. But, like robocalls near election day, they keep on coming back.

I’ve had the dream enough where it doesn’t even scare me anymore. In fact, what DOES scare me seems to be almost nothing because, let’s face it, life is terrifying enough on its own.

I suppose ghosts are a scary idea because they represent the part of us that do not want to be forgotten after we die.

What about werewolves? Vampires? Zombies? I think they are too amusing as concepts to be truly scary.

Let’s break them down for the metaphors they are, shall we? Werewolves are normal people who turn into crazy, murderous beasts once a month. Given, such beasts could be male (and not just female -- hint, hint), but it does seem a bit silly and insulting to women.

Vampires are usually more sexual than terrifying. There is just nothing inherently creepy about fashionable individuals who wear goth clothing (including capes and leather boots) and give their victims hickeys.

That just leaves zombies, who generally walk slow (having atrophy and mangled limbs holding them back) and are completely mindless. Oooh. Scary! The only way they can get you is through sheer volume. And, what do they do when they get you? They eat your brains.

The concept itself is kind of dumb: mindless creatures stagger around aimlessly as they try to rid the living of their brains. There is another name for this phenomenon: Republicans. (Oh, OK... fine. If you prefer, substitute that last word for “Democrats” or “telemarketers” or “Cleveland Browns fans” -- but you get the idea.)

The truth is I have always viewed my own fear like irony: I can’t necessary define what it is, but I’ll know it when I see it. This might explain why I love the concept of The Boogeyman so much. It’s the ultimate embodiment of whatever scares the Hell out of you. What an absolutely wonderful idea.

I felt much differently about it, however, when I was younger.


To Be Continued Tomorrow...

Reel Quiz #10

It’s time to test your knowledge of obscure cinema trivia one more time by answering the following ten multiple choice questions.

Score one point for each correct response. The answers will be posted at the bottom.

For those who deem it necessary to validate your self-worth, feel free to base it on the following scale:

Reel Quiz Ratings Scale

9-10 Correct (Ph.D. in Film)
You are an awesome avid film fan... and you’re the reason they invented 3-D.

7-8 Correct (M.A. in Film)
You are much too good to be watching direct-to-video movies.

5-6 Correct (B.A. in Film)
You enjoy movies, but you don’t know the difference between Volcano and Dante’s Peak. Then again, who does?

3-4 Correct (A.A. in Film)
You prefer Jay and Silent Bob more than Sherlock Holmes and Watson.

1-2 Correct (Film School Dropout)
You are so out of it that even Spicoli feels sympathy for you.

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1) Of the following ER stars, who would probably like to surgically remove his/her appearance in Return of the Killer Tomatoes -- The Sequel?

A) Anthony Edwards
B) George Clooney
C) Juliana Marguiles
D) Noah Wyle


2) Which Friends’ thespian starred in the painfully-awful horror movie Leprechaun?

A) David Schwimmer
B) Lisa Kudrow
C) Matthew Perry
D) Jennifer Aniston



3) Of the following Seinfeld regulars, who had a brief role as a backstabbing jerk in Pretty Woman?

A) Jason Alexander
B) Michael Richards
C) Jerry Seinfeld
D) Julia Louis-Dreyfuss


4) Which Beverly Hills, 90210 actor played an emotionally-numb killer-for-hire in Coldblooded?

A) Jason Priestley
B) Shannen Doherty
C) Luke Perry
D) Tiffani Amber-Thiessen


5) Which Frasier cast member can include roles in Sleepless in Seattle, Wolf and Addams Family Values on his/her resume?

A) John Mahoney
B) Kelsey Grammer
C) David Hyde Pierce
D) Jane Levees


6) Which Ally McBeal cast member appeared in the uninspired sequel Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise?

A) Callista Flockhart
B) Courtney Thorne-Smith
C) Jane Krakowski
D) Gil Bellows




7) Which Cheers alumnus joined the crew of the Starship Enterprise in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan?

A) Ted Danson
B) Woody Harrelson
C) George Wendt
D) Kirstie Alley


8) Which member of the Salinger clan from Party of Five appeared in a film called Teenage Bonnie & Klepto Clyde?

A) Matthew Fox
B) Lacey Chabert
C) Scott Wolf
D) Neve Campbell


9) Ironically, three cast members of Chicago Hope appeared together in a dramatic 1991 medical movie called The Doctor. Of the following actors, which is the only one who DID NOT appear in that film?

A) Mandy Patinkin
B) Eric Stoltz
C) Adam Arkin
D) Christine Lahti


10) Which future Picket Fences thespian played a big role in the forgettable 1992 horror film Dr. Giggles?

A) Tom Skerritt
B) Kathy Baker
C) Lauren Holly
D) Holly Marie Combs


*************************


Answers:

(1) B; George Clooney. (Dr. Doug Ross)

(2) D; Jennifer Aniston. (Rachel Green)

(3) A; Jason Alexander. (George Costanza)

(4) A; Jason Priestley. (Brandon Walsh)

(5) C; David Hyde Pierce. (Dr. Niles Crane)

(6) B; Courntey Thorne-Smith. (Georgia Thomas)

(7) D; Kirstie Alley. (Rebecca Howe)

(8) C; Scott Wolf. (Bailey Salinger)

(9) B; Eric Stoltz. (Dr. Robert Yeats)

(10) D; Holly Marie Combs. (Kimberly Brock)

Making People Squirm, or People Making Sperm

I have an acquaintance whom I'd like to keep anonymous, so I will simply refer to her as Lily Happyhappyhappygoat.

Ms. Happyhappyhappygoat works for a medical research facility that conducts clinical research trials.

I won’t tell you the name of the company she works for, but it is a better facility than some of the previous places she has worked at in the same field. In fact, I could tell you horror stories that would scare you into giving up prescription drugs altogether. Perhaps another time.

Lily Happyhappyhappygoat's company regularly conducts many studies on “healthy” individuals, because it’s logical to first test new drugs on stronger people in case there are unforeseen side effects or complications.

A healthy person might experience discomfort from a test drug, but an unhealthy person might experience death. That is why Phase I studies are rarely tested on 90-year-old people afflicted with various devastating diseases.

Not all studies are trying to cure cancer, stem the tide of Multiple Sclerosis, or ward off dementia in Alzheimer’s patients. Some are for vitamins. Some are to help people stop smoking. Still others are designed to measure how a medication might affect sperm production in men (something we all should be vastly concerned with since the population of Earth is estimated to only be 6.8 billion or so as of July 1, 2009).

Oh, did I mention that the participants are paid to be part of a study? Imagine getting paid to masturbate. We live in a truly wacky (no pun intended) and wonderful world.

Incidentally, Lily invited me to one such study a while back. It’s not that she felt I was extremely talented in sperm production, or, at least, I don’t think so.

I had to say “no” to the study. I strictly adhered to my own “no sperm” policy that forbids me to ejaculate at any acquaintance’s place of employment. Call me old-fashioned, but I just don’t want her co-workers (whom I also know) saying “Hey man, what’s up?” as I walk by with a plastic sample cup in my hand.

Talk about a loaded question.

That kind of thing (i.e. people making sperm) is known to make people squirm, which brings me to the “Velvet Room” at Lily’s work.

They actually have a room designated for these trials where participants go in to produce sperm samples. The Velvet Room is the nickname the facility’s staff have given it. (Ha, ha, medical researchers crack me up!)

Inside that room is a comfy chair in the middle with a long roll of paper covering it (like the kind you would find at a dental or doctor’s office). Thus, you can rip off an old layer and pull down a new one. That isn’t even remotely the craziest thing in the room.

The craziest thing is that there is a small fold-up chair placed adjacent to the comfy one. (There are also porno movies and magazines strewn throughout, as well, which can be pretty damn crazy in their own right, especially if titles like Dude, Where’s My Dildo? offend you).

I was once told that the fold-up chair is for the participant’s spouse or significant other. Apparently, they can provide moral support (and even take their clothes off), but they cannot directly lend a hand, so to speak.

How weird is that? Not enough, apparently, because I have heard various sperm-related horror stories that have occurred during the study.

It would seem that some of the sperm study participants have taken as little as two minutes to produce a sample (which, to me, is quite terrifying considering the cold, antiseptic atmosphere of the room). Conversely, one man was in the Velvet Room for 90 minutes and came out dry. Stage fright, apparently.

At times, participants “miss the cup.” The employees generally do not enjoy that. I wonder if they draw straws to see who gets to deal with the cleanup.

I think the worst horror story I overheard, however, was the one involving a man who said his mother had called him on his cell phone when he was trying to produce a sample. That killed his mood for over a half hour.

So, the lesson learned from this is quite simple: sometimes, we must endure great pains in order to make great progress. Oh, and also: you should always leave your cell phone in the other room when you masturbate in a plastic cup in the name of science.

Humans Have Expiration Dates; She-Scorpions Do Not

A lot of bloggers resort to making list of cool web sites in their entries because, frankly, they’ve run out of things to write about.

Just so you know, I’m not doing that now. I don’t believe in cultivating cliches. However, I have found there are some useful sites that you should visit once in a while in order to learn more about this science-experiment-gone-wrong planet and its irreparably insane inhabitants.

For example, if you are like me, then you are curious to know when you are going to die so you can be sure to be wearing clean underwear and keep a tattered copy of Hamlet in your back pocket for deceptive appearances.

Surprisingly, there are a number of web sites where you can punch in numbers, answer a set of questions and then they cheerfully tell you when you will likely shuffle off your mortal coil.

Some are more detailed than others. For example, www.deathclock.com only asks you to enter seven bits of information. Upon entering mine, I discovered that I could expect another 1,147,756,332 seconds of life, which if my calculations are correct, means I’ll die at 73.

Unless, of course, I believe www.gotoquiz.com which has a special “When Will I Die” section that asks about 20 questions. That site informs me that I’ve lived 47% of my life and I should expire in 2049 at the age of 78. Clearly, there is some margin of error in these “foolproof” tests.

According to www.deathtimer.com I will be dead as a doornail on Sept. 19, 2045. Dear God, really? That will put me at 74. Sept. 19 strikes me as odd detail. How the Hell do they know that from asking only a few questions? Do humans expire as reliably as cartons of milk?

At www.day4death.com I am told I will die on April 21, 2061 at the age of 89. It also tells me I have a 38% chance of dying from heart disease and a 43% of it happening in a nursing home. Now, see, that’s just TOO specific. I want there to be some surprise as to how it happens, even if I have a good idea when it will happen.

I’m still rooting for “hit by a bus” because you know that kind of thing will make headlines.

Anyway, there are numerous other such sites if you simply go to Google and type in “When Will I Die?” You should try them. I find it refreshing to know that I will live to be 73, or 78, or 74, or 89. Apparently death is a multiple choice option.

I suppose I have plenty of time left, though, so I don’t need to decide which one is accurate just yet. But, then again, it's quite possible I'll be immortal and live forever. At least, that's what part of me believes.

I remember one time when I was ten, one of my best friends dared me to drink an entire pitcher of Grape Kool-Aid in less than two minutes. At the time, I was quite the Kool-Aid-making novice so I put about three dozen scoops of the sweet, silky bluish-purple powder in the container before adding the tap water.

Unfortunately for me, there was too much powder to adequately dissolve in the water, so I rapidly ingested numerous sandy chunks as I choked down each gulp. Not only was the experience very psychologically disturbing, it was also nearly lethal.

I barely managed to drink it all before my time was up. Then, I stumbled out of the room and collapsed on the floor in the living room.

Things got fuzzy at that point. I believe I rode on a beam of multi-colored light, zipping through the cold, endless darkness of space until I landed on a distant planet populated by a race of six-foot tall furry she-scorpions. They informed me that I was Pincherus, their ruling god whose likeness was countenanced in the constellation that currently covered their homeland's western hemisphere.

After they performed the terrifying Dance of the Divine Stinger, they told me they looked forward to my return visit in the Earth year 3033, just in time for the Great Final Poison Harvest Ceremony.

I was subsequently beamed back to Earth just in time to stop my friend from calling for help.

I relayed to him my story. He told me he was pretty sure that Kool-Aid was worse than crack.

Perhaps, but I'm betting that I'll be around for at least another millennium. After all, the she-scorpions were certain of it.

Reel Quiz #9

It’s time to test your knowledge of obscure cinema trivia one more time by answering the following ten multiple choice questions.

Score one point for each correct response. The answers will be posted at the bottom.

For those who deem it necessary to validate your self-worth, feel free to base it on the following scale:

Reel Quiz Ratings Scale

9-10 Correct (Ph.D. in Film)
You are a truly a movie fanatic who sees life in widescreen format.

7-8 Correct (M.A. in Film)
You are an under-appreciated genius, like Ron Livingston in Swingers.

5-6 Correct (B.A. in Film)
You are quite the film lover, but you don’t know the difference between a star vehicle and a stretch limo.

3-4 Correct (A.A. in Film)
You believe the holy trinity of films is Showgirls, Striptease and Barb Wire.

1-2 Correct (Film School Dropout)
Do you even know what a movie is?

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1) What was the name of the presidential character played by Harrison Ford in the film Air Force One?

A) James Marshall
B) Marshall Tucker
C) Tucker Grant
D) Grant James


2) What was the name of the presidential character played by Michael Douglas in the film The American President?

A) Shepherd Adams
B) Adam Douglas
C) Douglas Andrews
D) Andrew Shephard


3) What object was used as one of the original concepts for a time machine (later replaced by the Delorean) in Back to the Future?

A) Microwave
B) Refrigerator
C) Toaster
D) El Camino



4) What was the name of the character portrayed by Michael J. Fox in Back to the Future?

A) Calvin Klein
B) Dean Martin
C) Marty McFly
D) Mark Tanner


5) What actor was originally cast in that memorable role?

A) Emilio Estevez
B) Andrew McCarthy
C) Eric Stoltz
D) Nicholas Cage


6) What was the name of the Motor City (Detroit) cop that Eddie Murphy played in the Beverly Hills Cop series?

A) Ford Fairlane
B) Axel Foley
C) Reggie Piston
D) Martin Gage


7) What actor was originally cast to portray that Motor City cop?

A) Sylvester Stallone
B) Steven Seagal
C) Billy Crystal
D) Bill Murray


8) In A Fish Called Wanda, John Cleese stars as Archibald Leach, which is the actual name of what famous movie star?

A) Jimmy Stewart
B) Roy Rogers
C) Cary Grant
D) John Wayne




9) The movie Scream was originally given what title?

A) Yell
B) Speechless
C) Scary Movie
D) Do You Like Scary Movies?


10) I Was A Teenage Teenager was the original title of what film?

A) Clueless
B) Can't Hardly Wait
C) Sixteen Candles
D) Fast Times at Ridgemont High


*************************


Answers:

(1) A; James Marshall.

(2) D; Andrew Shepherd.

(3) B; Refrigerator.

(4) C; Marty McFly.

(5) C; Eric Stoltz. He ended up starring in the critically-acclaimed movie Mask in the same year Back to the Future came out.

(6) B; Axel Foley.

(7) A; Sylvester Stallone... and what an entirely different movie THAT would have been.

(8) C; Cary Grant.

(9) C; Scary Movie. Yes, the movie that parodied Scream took its initial title as a self-referential joke.

(10) D; Clueless.