Zombie Mania 2! Haiku? Bless You!

A little while back, I noted how many things in the world could be transformed into sheer awesomeness simply by adding a “zombie” element to them.

While perusing the aisles of a bookstore recently, I found further proof of this Nobel Prize-deserving theory.

Zombie haiku poetry.

Really, do I need to say anything else?

Everybody remembers haikus, right? We learned about them in 6th grade or so when our English teacher said they consisted of three simple lines with the following syllable scheme:

first line = 5 syllables;
second line = 7 syllables;
third line = 5 syllables.

I remember we were all required to write one before the end of the class. I can’t recall mine verbatim, but this would be pretty darn close:

When will the bell ring?
Will English class ever end?
No, no it will not.

Surprisingly, I did not win the Pulitzer that year.

But, enough about haikus... let's get to the zombie aspect of today's topic. I believe the undead are too often victims of discrimination. Seriously. How many people really feel comfortable around zombies? Is that even the right term, or is that word biased? I think the proper term is undead-Americans.

Truth be told, I wouldn’t want my nephew or niece to marry a corpse, even a mobile one. It would only be a matter of time before they were infected with the zombie virus and become one themselves. There, I admitted it. Clearly, I’m a racist, or a bigot, or an alivist (probably the most accurate term).

Yet, despite my disgust, I still believe zombies have rights, not the least of which is to be published. In this case, a guy named Ryan Mecum (which rhymes with lion cecum) wrote a vivid first-hand account of the undead experience called, appropriately enough, Zombie Haiku. It is quite chilling to read, and very educational.

Here is a sample of his zombie haiku poetry:

You are so lucky
that I do not remember
how to use door knobs.

Good stuff, though it does play into the whole stereotype of the undead being brainless. True, many zombies are notoriously stupid and are even known to eat their own limbs, for example. That is a direct result of their unholy, unquenchable hunger. Zombies simply can’t stop eating the living until... well, they are living no more. (Only sexy gun-toting supermodels-turned-actresses seem to be exempt from this phenomenon.)

I find it interesting that a “brainless” creature would crave brains so much, and yet, the only way to kill (or re-kill) a zombie is to destroy its brains. So, indeed, they have brains, or they wouldn’t be staggering around ever-so-slowly looking for more brains.

My own personal distrust and fear of zombies stems largely from their pale, maggot-infested complexion and their rotting, mangled limbs. (I'm also not a big fan of the "eye dangling from the socket like a cat toy" look, either.)

I know it’s wrong, but I at least am trying to make inroads on the matter. Still, it's satisfying to know that adding a touch of zombie flavor to things certainly makes them seem freshly alive again. Oh, the zombie irony.

With that thought, I will leave you with one more example of Mecum’s zombie haiku poetry:

Biting into heads
is much harder than it looks.
The skull is feisty.

Words to live by.

For more information on this phenomenon, visit http://www.zombiehaiku.com.