Top 10 Worst Names Celebrities Have Given Their Children

According to statistics tabulated by the National Youth Violence Prevention Resource Center (www.safeyouth.org), almost 30% of the youth in the United States (over 5.7 million) bully others, end up becoming the target of a bully's wrath, or both.

When students between the ages of six and ten were polled in a national survey, it was revealed that 13% admitted to bullying others and 11% were bullied by others. On top of that, 6% claimed to be on both sides of the bullying coin.

Now, I realize that there are many factors for why people bully others. I myself was tortured daily by two older brothers simply because I was much smarter, better looking and just plain more awesome than they could ever hope to be.

But, there is one thing that can be done at birth to help shield children from the potential wrath of future bullies. Give your child a name that does not rhyme with a profane word, for example. I can attest that “Chris” rhymes with “piss” (as well as "clitoris") so I heard some pretty colorful phrases while growing up.

Note: you probably should also stray away from names that double as profane and/or dubious words, such as: Dick, Peter, John Thomas, Willy, Wang, Captain Penishead, etc.

I realize that eliminates a lot of common names, but truth be told, such monikers are hardly the biggest attraction for schoolyard bullies. Common names like “Dick” and “Peter” won’t make you stand out nearly as much as a highly unusual name will.

And, now we come to the point of my blog today (finally!).

Why do so many celebrities give their children names that will one day make them the target of anybody on the playground with a size ten or larger shoe and/or a 75 or less IQ?

I could provide dozens of examples, but instead, will opt to go for a Top Ten list format.


The Top Ten Worst Names Celebrities Have Given Their Children:


10) Apple (Child of Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin of Coldplay)

Bonus Bad Joke: Let's hope Apple falls far from the family tree when she names her own children some day.


9) Sage Moonblood (Child of Sylvester Stallone)


8) Memphis Eve (Child of U2 frontman Bono who clearly was teased for his own name growing up.)


7) Tu (This name isn’t so bad until you realize the child’s last name is Morrow. The father is actor Rob Morrow.)

On the bright side, at least the child will likely think that the people in the musical Annie are singing directly to her.


6) Audio Science (Child of actress Shannyn Sossamon.)


5) Jermajesty (Child of Jermaine Jackson, brother of Michael.)

Jerkidding me, right?


4) Pilot Inspektor (Child of Jason Lee. I believe it has something to do with a song lyric from a band named Grandaddy or opium... copious amounts of opium.)


3) Moxie Crimefighter (Child of comedian/magician Penn Jillete -- part of the duo Penn and Teller.)

I will admit that it's better than Wussy Supervillain, but only barely.


2) Kal-El (Child of Nic Cage, a big fan of Superman, hence Superman’s Kryptonian name.)

Thank goodness his Kryptonian name wasn't something really unusual like Mxyzptlk or Chunky Bits of Dog Food... Now with Gravy.

And finally...


1) Moon Unit, Dweezil, Ahmet and Diva the Muffin Man (All offspring of musician Frank Zappa who clearly deserves a Lifetime Achievement Award for this category.)


Incidentally, today’s blog is sponsored by:

www.FutureBullyVictimsoftheWorldUnite.com.