WTF?!? (The Speculated History of Cussing)

I’ve been pondering one of life’s most interesting questions lately: When did cussing begin?

If you think about it, the first cuss word could not possibly have been considered a cuss word until a group of people (perhaps some sort of majority) deemed it so.

I suppose the logical choice is Adam. “Did you eat the f#^*@!* apple, Eve? Dammit! Well, you might as well pass that bad boy over to me now.”

Who’s to say he was actually cussing? God? I always assumed profanity was a human invention. Damn that free will to Hell.

Maybe it didn’t happen until many, many years later. Perhaps some fed-up and frustrated soul pointed at somebody’s else’s genitalia one day and screamed: “I have invented an unsavory term for that. I call it #@!%, and you know what? That is precisely what you are. A good-for-nothing #@!%. Go stick your #@!% in the fire, you #@!%-weasel!”

At that moment, everybody else in the area (presumably shocked and mortified beyond belief) all agreed that “#@!%” was profane and that nobody decent would ever use it again, unless they hit their hand with a hammer hard, or were unrighteously cut off in traffic by an intoxicated horse cart operator.

Regardless of what actually happened, somebody else heard the word and didn’t think like the rest of the group. Instead, they immediately began working on a gangster screenplay using it as often as humanly possible.

I suppose I could just simply look up the history of profanity, but it’s so much more fun to recklessly speculate.

Here’s the thing about cussing: Such words only contain power when the listener grants them it. Given, I never grew up being subjected to racial epithets or slurs. The worst thing I heard people say to me in that regard is “cracker” or “honkey,” both of which crack me up.

But, I submit to the jury that I had two older brothers who insulted me intensely, creatively and often. Come to think of it, they might have used racial slurs on me because I am almost positive that they called me every conceivable name in THE BOOK. (Incidentally, I’d like to see this mystery BOOK some day to verify that statement.)

So, of course the words got under my skin from time to time, but that just made me realize that I had the power to verbally fight back with even meaner and more profane language. And, really, isn’t that what matters?

I have to admit I am quite impressed that humanity has such a fine variety of profanity, but most of us prefer to use the same old words as often as possible.

I read somewhere once that the average educated person (whatever that means) uses typically anywhere between 12,000 and 20,000 words (which means George W. Bush knows about 152, including nu-ca-lar). Shakespeare, one of the best English wordsmiths ever, used more than 30,000 in his body of written works.

Anyway, that number might sound impressive to you, but it simply depresses me because, according to the Global Language Monitor (www.languagemonitor.com) there are just over a million English words altogether. That translates to most of us using only 3% of our cultural lexicon. Let me repeat that: 3%!

Basically, we as a society, do not live up to our verbal potential. That’s like making an annual salary of $100,000 but choosing only to spend $3,000 of it. Who can live on that $@%#!

However, whenever we add profanity to our dialog it is akin to sprinkling spice on your cooking confections or glopping on the gooey syrup that coats the ice cream and then magically transforms into a hardened shell of crunchy chocolate.

With that said, I still try to curtail my public cussing whenever possible. It’s kind of like smoking. OK. I get it. You’re addicted. Fine. Puff on the cancer stick that smells like burning corpses all you want — just don’t do it in my face or in the pre-designated “No Smoking” area.

Incidentally, society has unspoken “No Cussing” areas, as well: churches, libraries, grade schools, daycare centers, family-oriented places, sporting events, bars, prisons, etc.

If you know your foul language offends somebody, then you need not go out of your way to make somebody else uncomfortable or miserable.

Unless they legitimately piss you the #%@! off. Then, have a %@!*ing field day.

Sometimes, profanity is absolutely necessary. One of my favorite films of all time is The Big Lebowski, which contains more profanity than you can shake a $#@!ing $#@% at, but it fits the tone of the story and I don't think the movie would work without it. The profanity in that film is truly inspired and never fails to make me appreciate the English language and all of its complex $#@%ing intricacies.

Of course, if profanity offends you, then I can’t imagine you’d enjoy such a poignant film. I can’t imagine why you are reading this drivel before you, either. But I can offer a simple suggestion that might help you cope with our uncouth and obscene society: Just $#@%ing chill out. Don’t take every little $#!@ing thing so $#@!ing seriously.

Or, if that doesn’t work, go to www.nocussing.com. There is actually a bonafide “No Cussing Club” online and its membership (as of now) is over 20,000 strong worldwide and growing.



All I can say to that is $#@% me!