A Dissertation on the Deities of the Diamond #2

Part Two

(See previous blog entry for Part One.)

Just to show you how extremely odd it is that the Diamondbacks kick ass and take names so ferociously whenever I spectate live, consider some of the following harrowing statistics from the team’s first 61 games (or, approximately one-third of the regular season).

There are only two .300 batters on the team. Justin Upton is having a breakout year hitting (.317) and utility player Ryan Roberts is solid with a .313 average, but he has only had 80 at bats. So, it’s highly likely he won’t last the whole season batting at that level. That means one All-Star caliber hitter. One.

Now, let me show you some of the other anemic averages from the team:

Conor Jackson .182
Chris Young .184
Chad Tracy .203
Eric Byrnes .215
Chris Snyder .223

All men have started for the team numerous times this year, incidentally.

On the plus side, Justin Upton and Mark Reynolds are clearing the fences consistently, having hit 12 and 15 home runs respectively. That’s quite impressive, but also inadvertently depressing. That means the pair have hit 27 of the team’s 58 homers. The rest of the entire team has only hit a meager 31. Contrast that to, say, the Philadelphia Phillies who have almost three times that number and you can see that Arizona won't be winning too many games with their bats.

Now, let’s discuss the pitching side of the equation. Dan Haren has been the main man this year, throwing for 85 innings over 12 games with an astounding ERA of 2.33! He has 83 strikeouts and only eleven walks. Unfortunately, a lack of run support on the days he starts has lead to a 4-4 record, which is so much less than he deserves.

Unfortunately, the Earned Run Averages just climb higher and higher as you scrutinize the rest of the team. Brandon Webb boasts the worst at 21.60! In his defense, he played injured early on and is still recovering. Not too far above him are Tom Gordon and Bobby Korecky, each with a whopping 13.50!

Of course, I realize every team has one or two bad apples with horrendous ERAs early in the year, but consider that the team has eight additional pitchers with an ERA over 5.0 and you can start understanding why Arizona is not winning too many games on the mound, either. They should feel fortunate to be winning 43% of the time.

Naturally, that means that 57% of the time, the D-Backs lose. Unfortunately, they are prone to losing by a massive margin. The team has given up five or more runs 30 times this year (out of 61 games). That’s almost exactly half the time! Not only does the team seem allergic to scoring runs, they appear philosophically opposed to preventing the other team from scoring often.

Yet, when I watch the Diamondbacks live, they have outscored their opponents 14 to 1 in three games!

More importantly, during the first 26 2/3 (of 27 innings) of those games, the visitors scored zilch. It wasn’t until the Giants had two outs and two strikes in the ninth that a player scored from third thanks to Chad Qualls’ wild pitch. So, the run WASN’T EVEN EARNED!

On top of that, it’s my own damn fault because I kept saying “I can’t believe they’ve pitched 26 straight scoreless innings for me and are about to finish number 27! What are the freakin' odds of that?”

The Baseball Gods overheard this and smote me heartily.

Despite my momentary lapse of reason, let’s break down the facts. Three games. No earned runs. Three wins. Inexplicably, they have played like a veritable Diamond Dynasty whenever I am in the stands.

One last note: I have even watched three different pitchers with a combined W-L record of 9-15 during those games. And, that record would drop to 6-15 if you didn’t count the three victories that occurred in my presence.

It is absolutely mind-boggling that the D-Backs can play so much above their potential when I just so happen to be there. How can I not accept this as irrefutable proof that the Baseball Gods exist? How can I not whole-heartedly believe that I completely control the destiny of the Arizona Diamondbacks (but only about once a month)?

Hmmmm.

Perhaps I should reconsider buying season tickets to explore this theory further.

Of course, there is always the danger of buying too many carrots (see previous entry). Surely, I would eventually anger the Deities of the Diamond with my greediness and then I'd have to resort to wearing my hat backwards and upside down, which only works when I watch every other pitch and shout "O' Mighty Baseball Gods Be Praised!" in-between.