Reader Mail #3

There continues to be a massive influx of electronic mail from Passing Thoughts readers of late. Just yesterday alone I received 271 comments, four of which were not from StalkingYouUntilYouBleed.

Receiving electronic ovations from all corners of the Earth is nice, to be sure, but some people go on a little too much. For example:

Dear Scrotum Face,

A friend of mine recently requested that I try reading your blog since he believed it was the best thing since waxed dental floss. So, I clicked on the link.

Words cannot describe how it made me feel, but alas, I shall try.

As I read each sentence, I felt as if my very eyes were repeatedly raped by your worthless, pointless, damnable words.

Your illiterate ramblings forced me to unleash a tidal wave of tears as I found myself thinking that I would prefer to have a pit bull use my penis as a chew toy than to endure one more insipid observation from your pitiful unimaginative imitation of a mind.

Perhaps I could give you two words of advice: Please die.

And, hopefully, you will follow my advice as soon as humanly possible.

Irritatingly,

Donnie Darko


Here is another interesting letter I received:


Dear Dr. Montepenny,

Yesterday my shadow followed me around outside for most of the day. It simply would not leave me alone, even when I ran across the freeway during the morning rush hour screaming “Intacto! Intacto!”

At one point, I saw a screeching diesel tire run over the shadow, but the ungodly creature continued its relentless pursuit of me. Finally, around sunset, it grew tired and I managed to give it the slip. Still, I worry that it will be waiting outside for me once again tomorrow.

So, my question is: who would win in a fight between Superman and Batman?

Sincerely,

hookerbytrade



Dear Ms. Hooker,

I am not actually a doctor, but I do appreciate when people address me thusly. Your e-mail distressed me greatly for two reason: 1) not once did you compliment me; and 2) your question was utterly absurd.

Clearly, Superman would pummel Batman before he could even blink... even if Batman held every tactical advantage and contained several hundreds of pounds of kryptonite on his person, Superman would simply fly out of reach of the kryptonite’s devastating effects. Then, he would pick up a building and drop it on the Caped Crusader, whose utility belt does not come equipped with a device that can catch a building.

Or, Superman could simply sneeze and Batman's head would instantly blow off. Either way, the fight would last approximately 2.4 seconds.

Sincerely,

Dr. Montepenny

Reader Mail #2

It seems that my recent posting of reader mail (imaginatively titled Reader Mail #1) attracted (ironically enough) even more reader mail. Yet again, it seems that my vast and infinite readership has nothing but kind words for me and I have to say, I am simply gushing from all of the kudos.


Dear Supreme Idiot,

I recently read your so-called blog entitled “Reader Mail #1” and felt compelled to say that you are an obnoxious, offensive knuckle-dragger with an IQ less than most roadkill. I would insult you more, but you obviously suffer from copious amounts of brain damage and my words would inevitably be lost on your inert intellect.

BTFW, I have started an online petition to eradicate your blog permanently from cyber space. In the meantime, why don’t you go play in traffic, you impotent mound of bird botulism.

Clearly, you (or one of your many, many personalities) made the entire letter up and the fact that you chose a picture of Pee Wee Herman as your representation of Satan is unimaginative, cruel and immensely immature.

Anybody with half a brain (which excludes you and everyone you know, undoubtedly), knows that Satan really looks like this (see attached picture below).


Sincerely,

Axel Rose (not the singer, but the market analyst)

The Rise of STDs!

There is something that has been bothering me lately... the rise of STDs.

I’m not talking about sexually transmitted diseases (they could be rising too for all I know, but that isn’t my particular area of expertise).

I’m referring to Straight-To-DVD (STD) movies.

Traditionally, low budget (read: tragically bad) films with no hopes of garnering any box office bucks are typically released straight to the streets in an effort to recoup the budget more rapidly.

Such releases are mostly referred to as Straight-To-Videos, but since only about 14 people still utilize VCRs to watch rental releases, I think that the phrase can be justly labeled an anachronism.

Now, for the record, I’m not a movie star nor have I ever been one (to my knowledge), but that doesn’t mean I’m not disheartened to see the once-Hollywood-elite desperately clutch fruitlessly for a second round of fleeting fame by appearing in films so odd that they should be labeled DIRJST films, or Did-I-Really-Just-See-That?

I’ll give you an example. Not too long ago there was a movie released Straight-To-DVD called Abominable, which starred Lance Henricksen and Dee Wallace Stone. Both thespians just so happened to be in different blockbuster alien films in the 1980s (albeit, those films were polar opposites in terms of tone): Aliens and E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial.

I am not a huge fan of either film (they haven’t aged well and I always felt Aliens would be better if the alien creatures were actually misunderstood pacifists, and E.T. would be much improved if the alien turned out to be an unstoppable juggernaut hell-bent on conquering Earth). Still, the movies made beau coup bucks so Lance and Dee were A-listers once upon a time.

Less than 30 years later, the two headliners of such bonafide classics are no longer at the top of their game, but they have enough star power in their tanks to team up and fight the most famous alien of all-time: Bigfoot.

The movie’s actual tagline is: “Some Things Are Better Left Unfound.” (How can you not love the irony of that one?)

When you combine that with a name like Abominable, well, you have no choice but to reasonably anticipate the best cinematic experience of all time.

It could just be me, but when I hear the word “abominable” I tend to immediately follow it with “snowman.” I have never heard people say the phrase “abominable Bigfoot” so the title is kind of misleading. Bastard marketers!

Now, while I whole-heartedly support films about big hairy monsters shredding up, and then digesting, teenagers out in the middle of the woods, I am nevertheless gravely concerned that studios are mass churning STDs in a greedy attempt to make copious amounts of money with no regard WHATSOEVER to the quality of the final product.

Absolutely shocking.

Hopefully we can still expect classics of Abominable’s caliber in the future, but if the studios keep overproducing these Straight-To-DVDs, won’t the end result inevitably be water-downed B-movies that fail to make the grade?

For shame. For shame.