German director Werner Herzog (Grizzly Man)
once said that “Film is not the art of scholars, but illiterates.” Not much of a punch puller, that guy.
I don’t agree. Films
can, occasionally, be complex and, personally, I believe the best ones can be a reliable source for some of the greater truths of existence, which is another reason to love movies so damn much. (For more reasons, go back to Part One of this series.) For example, if you want to know the meaning of life, a good place to start is to watch Monty Python's film of the same name. At the end, we are told: "Well, it's nothing special. Try and be nice to people, avoid eating fat, read a good book every now and then, get some walking in and try to live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations."
Well, there you go. That was easy.
Actually, life does indeed get a lot easier if you watch more movies. There are a lot of nuggets of wisdom to be found. I’m not just talking about the importance of shouting witty catch-phrases and keeping your shoes on when you fight a skyscraper full of terrorists. I’m talking about really important life lessons. I’ll sum up a few.
Be careful what you eat. It might be people. (Thanks for that phobia, Solyent Green!)
Most people tend to fall in love while participating in several random humorous activities accompanied by catchy music. But, before that can happen, shy and nerdy women must undergo a full makeover that involves removing their glasses and taking out their hair barrettes to reveal that they are absolute bombshells. Meanwhile, men are relatively perfect save for one pesky character flaw (usually a fear of commitment) that they must overcome about the same time the object of their affection is preparing to leave the city forever on a last-second airline flight.
Singing makes almost everything better, especially if it's a catchy tune that somebody can instantly perform perfect choreographed dance moves to in perfect rhythm with complete strangers.
If you are followed by a six-foot tall bunny rabbit, you are probably mentally compromised (Donnie Darko and Harvey, I'm looking at you!). But, hey, at least you're interesting.
Always avoid basements especially in cabins in the woods. Nothing good will be found there. Unless you think an agonizing death is good, then I suggest having sex down there. That should seal your fate. Also, on the way to that cabin in the woods, be sure to stop at a gas station in the middle of nowhere that looks like a derelict automobile graveyard and is run by an incoherent hillbilly with horrible customer service skills who likes to say ominous warnings that you can ignore at your own peril.
Leading men are quite capable of handling intense pain and even torture, unless a female happens to be cleaning his superficial wounds. Then, they wince and gripe like nobody's business.
The most appropriate way to react to somebody you love dying in your arms is to look up at the sky and scream "No!" or "Why?" or, failing that, the name of the villain responsible for killing them. Anything short of this reaction means you are not suffering appropriately.
Most people tend to fall in love while participating in several random humorous activities accompanied by catchy music. But, before that can happen, shy and nerdy women must undergo a full makeover that involves removing their glasses and taking out their hair barrettes to reveal that they are absolute bombshells. Meanwhile, men are relatively perfect save for one pesky character flaw (usually a fear of commitment) that they must overcome about the same time the object of their affection is preparing to leave the city forever on a last-second airline flight.
Singing makes almost everything better, especially if it's a catchy tune that somebody can instantly perform perfect choreographed dance moves to in perfect rhythm with complete strangers.
If you are followed by a six-foot tall bunny rabbit, you are probably mentally compromised (Donnie Darko and Harvey, I'm looking at you!). But, hey, at least you're interesting.
Always avoid basements especially in cabins in the woods. Nothing good will be found there. Unless you think an agonizing death is good, then I suggest having sex down there. That should seal your fate. Also, on the way to that cabin in the woods, be sure to stop at a gas station in the middle of nowhere that looks like a derelict automobile graveyard and is run by an incoherent hillbilly with horrible customer service skills who likes to say ominous warnings that you can ignore at your own peril.
Leading men are quite capable of handling intense pain and even torture, unless a female happens to be cleaning his superficial wounds. Then, they wince and gripe like nobody's business.
The most appropriate way to react to somebody you love dying in your arms is to look up at the sky and scream "No!" or "Why?" or, failing that, the name of the villain responsible for killing them. Anything short of this reaction means you are not suffering appropriately.
If you ever go back in time, it's best to avoid having sex with the younger version of your mother or trying to change your strongest regret in life. Or, conversely, if you travel to the future, it's not a good idea to bring back a sports almanac containing all of the future winners of sports events for years to come because you will inevitably let it fall into the hands of your worst enemy. Just to be safe, it is probably better to shoot yourself if you do time travel. That should end the space-time continuum chaos you have accidentally engineered. Or, accidentally destroy all of existence. It could go either way.
Most psychotic bombers are actually very thoughtful. After all, why else would they design their explosive devices to contain helpful digital clock readouts that show EXACTLY how much time is left before they explode? These same bombers also like to supply bomb squad experts with a quick and easy deactivation method, i.e. cutting the red wire.
During all police investigations, it eventually becomes necessary to visit a strip club at least once. Also, most of the strippers there are unfortunate victims of circumstance, they are usually single mothers and, almost always, they possess hearts made of gold and the looks of an A-list or B-List celebrity. As a side note, most policemen cannot solve a crime until they've been yelled at repeatedly by their superior or have had to turn in their gun and badge.
Machine guns are horribly, horribly inaccurate (for bad guys). It is far easier for one person with a handgun to shoot 25 people with machine guns than the other way around. I am sure there is a mathematical equation that explains how this is so, but I don't need it because Bruce Willis, Chuck Norris, Arnold Schwarzenegger and others have demonstrated this notion time and time again.
If I go to see a movie, finding a parking spot usually takes almost as long as the film's running time. However, everybody in that film will immediately find close parking spaces even when they are in a busy downtown location.
Bad guys like to label the damning files on their computer with titles like "Top Secret" or "Master Plan" or "Schematics for Doomsday Device" right on the desktop. Also, somebody working on the side of the good guys always uses a flash drive that copies those files exactly one second faster than it takes for the aforementioned bad guy to come back to his or her office.
Be careful online. Or, don't be: Almost 90% of all anonymous online chat buddies are stalkers. Those who are an exception to this rule, however, are usually your soulmate.
Adoption is a crapshoot. About half of all orphans grow up to be a superhero, chosen one or some sort of savior for all mankind. The other half tend to have evil parents, either the Devil himself or a demented individual who will one day return, with various sharp cutlery on hand, to take back their child by any means possible.
Your life may be riddled with unanswered questions and seemingly impossible problems, but eventually someone who looks or sounds like Morgan Freeman or J.K. Simmons or Linda Hunt will explain to you EXACTLY what you NEED to know PRECISELY WHEN you NEED to know it. In the rare cases that these people do not show up in a timely manner, simply turn on a television set and you will likely find a news story conveying the helpful exposition you need to advance in your journey.
The surest way to ultimate success, be it in a sporting event or even in other aspects of life, is to surround yourself with misfits, underachievers, social outcasts and anybody else who has been written off by the world at large. For some reason, the weaker components of each individual will pale in contrast to the insurmountable collective strength of their combined positive attributes. Then, the same society that has previously rejected the band of losers will suddenly be encouraged to root for them and celebrate them achieving their end goal.
Alien invaders are stupid. I mean, really, really stupid. Sure, some such civilizations are capable of inventing technology capable of spanning mind-blowing distances in relatively short times, but they are ill-prepared for the most basic of wrinkles in their plans of grand conquest. If they aren't stopped almost immediately by catching a bird flu (The War of the Worlds), then their entire armada can be crippled by a simple computer virus (Independence Day). Worse, if their biggest weakness is exposure to water, why on Earth would they attack Earth since it is comprised 70% of water on its surface (Signs)?
And, finally, though we now have about 2 MIILLION cell towers and antennas in the U.S., cell reception is unreliable 100% of the time if you are being chased and/or hunted by a homicidal maniac wielding a sharp weapon or a power tool. Also, it is highly likely for the person being pursued in this scenario to trip and fall, or if they reach their car, it will not start immediately. Chances are, a cat will jump from out of nowhere at this time and hiss for no reason, as well.
Those are just some of the more common and obvious examples. Sometimes it feels like we keep watching the same movies over and over again, albeit with different titles. That's only because that is exactly what is happening. In my next blog, I'll examine the repetitive nature of movies and the finite number of basic plots and why we love them despite this aspect.
Bad guys like to label the damning files on their computer with titles like "Top Secret" or "Master Plan" or "Schematics for Doomsday Device" right on the desktop. Also, somebody working on the side of the good guys always uses a flash drive that copies those files exactly one second faster than it takes for the aforementioned bad guy to come back to his or her office.
Be careful online. Or, don't be: Almost 90% of all anonymous online chat buddies are stalkers. Those who are an exception to this rule, however, are usually your soulmate.
Adoption is a crapshoot. About half of all orphans grow up to be a superhero, chosen one or some sort of savior for all mankind. The other half tend to have evil parents, either the Devil himself or a demented individual who will one day return, with various sharp cutlery on hand, to take back their child by any means possible.
Your life may be riddled with unanswered questions and seemingly impossible problems, but eventually someone who looks or sounds like Morgan Freeman or J.K. Simmons or Linda Hunt will explain to you EXACTLY what you NEED to know PRECISELY WHEN you NEED to know it. In the rare cases that these people do not show up in a timely manner, simply turn on a television set and you will likely find a news story conveying the helpful exposition you need to advance in your journey.
The surest way to ultimate success, be it in a sporting event or even in other aspects of life, is to surround yourself with misfits, underachievers, social outcasts and anybody else who has been written off by the world at large. For some reason, the weaker components of each individual will pale in contrast to the insurmountable collective strength of their combined positive attributes. Then, the same society that has previously rejected the band of losers will suddenly be encouraged to root for them and celebrate them achieving their end goal.
Alien invaders are stupid. I mean, really, really stupid. Sure, some such civilizations are capable of inventing technology capable of spanning mind-blowing distances in relatively short times, but they are ill-prepared for the most basic of wrinkles in their plans of grand conquest. If they aren't stopped almost immediately by catching a bird flu (The War of the Worlds), then their entire armada can be crippled by a simple computer virus (Independence Day). Worse, if their biggest weakness is exposure to water, why on Earth would they attack Earth since it is comprised 70% of water on its surface (Signs)?
And, finally, though we now have about 2 MIILLION cell towers and antennas in the U.S., cell reception is unreliable 100% of the time if you are being chased and/or hunted by a homicidal maniac wielding a sharp weapon or a power tool. Also, it is highly likely for the person being pursued in this scenario to trip and fall, or if they reach their car, it will not start immediately. Chances are, a cat will jump from out of nowhere at this time and hiss for no reason, as well.
Those are just some of the more common and obvious examples. Sometimes it feels like we keep watching the same movies over and over again, albeit with different titles. That's only because that is exactly what is happening. In my next blog, I'll examine the repetitive nature of movies and the finite number of basic plots and why we love them despite this aspect.
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