Lessson Learned: Do Not Anger the Baseball Gods

So, last night I learned a valuable lesson: Don't #@$! with the Baseball Gods.

Any superstitious soul knows it's unwise to talk about a perfect game or a no-hitter with the pitcher while it is actually happening. Nothing angers the Deities of the Diamond like assuming that your favorite player or team has earned their favor and is currently being elevated to divine status as a result.

Case in point: my blog yesterday boasted how well the Diamondbacks had played in my presence this season. It was ample fodder for the Mighty Ones to prove a point to me. True, they may have favored me in the past, but my simple mention of that fact was enough to incite them to put me back in my proper place.

The same Diamondbacks who had not given up any earned runs in the full three games I watched live this year gave up six total runs (only half were earned) and were beaten in every aspect of the game last night... handily.

It didn't start off that way, though. Arizona starting pitcher Jon Garland pitched an impressive first three innings, giving up only one walk and no hits to the first ten batters. I found myself wondering if the magic could happen one more time.

Meanwhile, the D-Backs managed to draw walks and hits like crazy. They had two baserunners on in the first, three in the second and two in the third.

Unfortunately, they just couldn't manage to score any runs in those situations. At one point, they had the Phillies' starter Jamie Moyer on the ropes. He faced the worst situation a pitcher can face: bases loaded with no outs. He got out of it without giving up a single run. Strikeout. Double play. Groan.

Then, the momentum changed in a flash. Moyer found his control again and Ryan Howard found the centerfield fence by blistering a monster shot that gave the Phillies a 2 to 0 lead. Prior to that hit, I knew the D-Backs had blown the game already. They had every advantage working for them early and didn't... well, take advantage of it.

Naturally, they soon unraveled after that. They committed two sloppy errors. Second baseman Ryan Roberts also bobbled a potential double-play ball that would have ended an inning, but instead, allowed a run to score on the play.

The D-Backs also stranded eleven baserunners altogether. The Phillies were up 6 to 0 before Arizona scored a pair of meaningless runs in the bottom of the eighth. However, the outcome of the game was never in question.

The D-Backs outhit the Phils 9 to 6, but the Liberty Bell Bombers played smarter baseball. They are the champions and they showed why last night. They also proved to me that it is much wiser to keep your mouth shut if you actually think the Baseball Gods are showing you any kindness at all.

Still, it was a fun night at the air-conditioned ballpark. Next time I will simply wait until AFTER THE GAME to discuss the divine actions of the Baseball Gods rather than risk their wrath once again. After all, their vengeance hits harder than Ryan Howard's bat, and believe me, that is saying a lot.

The Ultimate Test for the Baseball Gods

Last month, I wrote a two-part blog called "A Dissertation on the Deities of the Diamond" about how fans tend to believe that they somehow control the fate of their favorite ballclub through their superstitious actions.

I realize how silly it is for a grown person to believe that wearing a baseball cap backwards will make a .188 hitter come up big with a rally-tying single in the bottom of the ninth, but this is the society we live in.

Then again, sometimes the numbers don't lie. Some fans actually could make a statistical argument that backs up such wild claims. Like me.

I have attended three home games this season of the struggling Arizona Diamondbacks, a team that trails the Los Angeles Dodgers by almost 20 games with an unimpressive 43-56 record.

Yet, during the three games I attended the Diamondbacks were 3-0, outscoring the Rockies 2 to 0, the Cubs 10 to 0 and the Giants 2 to 1. A team that has struggled with pitching and hitting mightily all throughout the year just so happens to boast a 14 to 1 scoring margin in the three games I have attended.

Coincidence? Not bloody likely.

Consider this fact. The Diamondbacks have only pitched eight shutouts all year long (and five at home) and I was there for two of them. During the third game I attended, the Diamondbacks were up 2 to 0 with two outs and two strikes in the ninth inning when I foolishly uttered aloud: “I can’t believe they’ve pitched 26 straight scoreless innings for me and are about to finish number 27! What are the freakin' odds of that?”

The Giants ended up scoring a run on a wild pitch as the Baseball Gods smote me mightily.

Still, the team has a cumulative ERA of 4.41, but when I watch them at Chase Field live they have an ERA of 0.00 in 27 innings (the one run the Giants did score was unearned).

Considering how bad the D-Backs have been, it is an extremely odd coincidence that they pitch like the Arizona Cy Youngs whenever I'm there.

Of course, every fan has told me that I should attend every game, but I know that this will enrage the Baseball Gods if I try to take advantage of their divine courtesy. Thus, I haven't been to a game since mid-June. However, I decided it had been long enough so I will be there tonight when the team hosts the Philadelphia Phillies.

Now, whether or not the Baseball Gods favor me will be put to the ultimate test. After all, the D-Backs have Garland on the mound (his ERA is 4.41!) and the Phillies have the best offense in the National League. The team has hit 138 homes runs and has scored 527 runs (leading the National League in both categories).

If the D-Backs somehow miraculously prevail AND keep the Phillies from scoring, then I will officially believe that I am favored by the Baseball Gods.

However, I have more than my share of doubts.

The Phillies have been extremely hot lately, winning 17 of 20 games and haven't lost a series since the start of the month. They have one of the most explosive offenses in the league. There is no way the D-Backs stand a chance, right?

Well, we'll find out tonight.

A Dissertation on the Deities of the Diamond #2

Part Two

(See previous blog entry for Part One.)

Just to show you how extremely odd it is that the Diamondbacks kick ass and take names so ferociously whenever I spectate live, consider some of the following harrowing statistics from the team’s first 61 games (or, approximately one-third of the regular season).

There are only two .300 batters on the team. Justin Upton is having a breakout year hitting (.317) and utility player Ryan Roberts is solid with a .313 average, but he has only had 80 at bats. So, it’s highly likely he won’t last the whole season batting at that level. That means one All-Star caliber hitter. One.

Now, let me show you some of the other anemic averages from the team:

Conor Jackson .182
Chris Young .184
Chad Tracy .203
Eric Byrnes .215
Chris Snyder .223

All men have started for the team numerous times this year, incidentally.

On the plus side, Justin Upton and Mark Reynolds are clearing the fences consistently, having hit 12 and 15 home runs respectively. That’s quite impressive, but also inadvertently depressing. That means the pair have hit 27 of the team’s 58 homers. The rest of the entire team has only hit a meager 31. Contrast that to, say, the Philadelphia Phillies who have almost three times that number and you can see that Arizona won't be winning too many games with their bats.

Now, let’s discuss the pitching side of the equation. Dan Haren has been the main man this year, throwing for 85 innings over 12 games with an astounding ERA of 2.33! He has 83 strikeouts and only eleven walks. Unfortunately, a lack of run support on the days he starts has lead to a 4-4 record, which is so much less than he deserves.

Unfortunately, the Earned Run Averages just climb higher and higher as you scrutinize the rest of the team. Brandon Webb boasts the worst at 21.60! In his defense, he played injured early on and is still recovering. Not too far above him are Tom Gordon and Bobby Korecky, each with a whopping 13.50!

Of course, I realize every team has one or two bad apples with horrendous ERAs early in the year, but consider that the team has eight additional pitchers with an ERA over 5.0 and you can start understanding why Arizona is not winning too many games on the mound, either. They should feel fortunate to be winning 43% of the time.

Naturally, that means that 57% of the time, the D-Backs lose. Unfortunately, they are prone to losing by a massive margin. The team has given up five or more runs 30 times this year (out of 61 games). That’s almost exactly half the time! Not only does the team seem allergic to scoring runs, they appear philosophically opposed to preventing the other team from scoring often.

Yet, when I watch the Diamondbacks live, they have outscored their opponents 14 to 1 in three games!

More importantly, during the first 26 2/3 (of 27 innings) of those games, the visitors scored zilch. It wasn’t until the Giants had two outs and two strikes in the ninth that a player scored from third thanks to Chad Qualls’ wild pitch. So, the run WASN’T EVEN EARNED!

On top of that, it’s my own damn fault because I kept saying “I can’t believe they’ve pitched 26 straight scoreless innings for me and are about to finish number 27! What are the freakin' odds of that?”

The Baseball Gods overheard this and smote me heartily.

Despite my momentary lapse of reason, let’s break down the facts. Three games. No earned runs. Three wins. Inexplicably, they have played like a veritable Diamond Dynasty whenever I am in the stands.

One last note: I have even watched three different pitchers with a combined W-L record of 9-15 during those games. And, that record would drop to 6-15 if you didn’t count the three victories that occurred in my presence.

It is absolutely mind-boggling that the D-Backs can play so much above their potential when I just so happen to be there. How can I not accept this as irrefutable proof that the Baseball Gods exist? How can I not whole-heartedly believe that I completely control the destiny of the Arizona Diamondbacks (but only about once a month)?

Hmmmm.

Perhaps I should reconsider buying season tickets to explore this theory further.

Of course, there is always the danger of buying too many carrots (see previous entry). Surely, I would eventually anger the Deities of the Diamond with my greediness and then I'd have to resort to wearing my hat backwards and upside down, which only works when I watch every other pitch and shout "O' Mighty Baseball Gods Be Praised!" in-between.

A Dissertation on the Deities of the Diamond #1

Part One

I once interviewed a man who played AAA minor league baseball. He relayed to me the following story that he swore was 100% true. However, first I would like to warn anybody who suffers from lachanophobia (the fear of vegetables) to skip the next five paragraphs as you will possibly find the content of them to be absolutely terrifying.

A while back, when this gentleman played under the guidance of legendary manager Earl Weaver, he found himself mired in a state of stagnation inside the batter's box. So, before a game in Elmira, NY, the slumping slugger decided to head to the grocery store and buy his usual purchase of tobacco. Then, he abruptly changed his routine by buying a carrot, as well. He reasoned that carrots are purportedly good for eyesight, so eating one could not hurt him at that point.

This pleased the Mighty Gods of Baseball as he was rewarded with a base hit later that afternoon. The next day he decided to buy tobacco and two more carrots. Naturally, he was rewarded with two hits that night.

Like any logical person would, he repeated the process again but bought three carrots. Of course, he got three hits that night. Then he really pushed the envelope and bought four carrots the next day. Not surprisingly, he tallied another four hits.

Unfortunately, he grew too greedy at that point and opted to buy five carrots. This displeased the fickle Gods of Baseball greatly who decreed that he would go 0 for 4 that evening.

To this day, the man is wholly convinced that he pushed his luck a little too far. (At least he still enjoys eating carrots on a daily basis.)

The notion that his superstitious behavior could influence his performance in the batter's box is absolutely ridiculous. After all, any baseball fan knows that the players have no control over the outcome of a game. Instead, the fans do.

Tell me if this situation sounds a tad bit familiar. You're watching a game and the phone rings. You leave the room to answer it and your team suddenly scores a run to take a lead. Conclusion: they scored because I wasn’t watching during that play.

Or, you're watching a game with your favorite pitcher on the mound and he’s gone seven and two-thirds inning without giving up a hit. You say out loud: “I can’t believe he’s going for a no-hitter.” On the next pitch, the opponents’ .214-hitting shortstop (who has been relegated permanently to the eighth spot in the lineup) bloops a single up the middle. Deflated, you slump back in the chair, cursing your judgment to dare utter the words “no hitter” causing the Gods of Baseball to inevitably extract their swift brand of vengeance.

And they always do! The Omnipotent Ones have no mercy when it comes to fans, except for those who root for the Yankees. Even the Baseball Gods are a little afraid of George Steinbrenner.

Now, let me play Devil's Advocate for a moment. I understand there are people out there in the world, armed with psychology degrees, who claim that fans invent the idea that their actions can control a game and to counter the helplessness and frustration that accompanies being a bystander.

You feel like a fly caught in a spider's web as you watch your team slowly unravel in the bottom of the ninth. First, your team's closer gives up a walk. Then, a single. Then, another damn single. Now, the other team is looking at bases loaded with no outs and your team is only up by one run.

You can’t coach the team. You can’t bat or field for them. All you can do is perform a desperate superstitious ritual that you hope will parlay the favor of these so-called Deities of the Diamond back to your team’s side.

Sometimes that means wearing your baseball hat backwards, or upside down, or my favorite: upside down and backwards. Sometimes it means not watching a certain play; other times it means not leaving the room during a play no matter how full your bladder feels and how at-risk you are for developing a urinary tract infection.

Sometimes the Almighty Spirits can be influenced by a fan yelling as loud as humanly possible, even if it deafens small children nearby, or the Divine Ones may prefer that you remain silent so as to not jinx a special game.

Admittedly, the notion seems just a tiny bit crazy, and yet, almost every avid fan believes it at one time or another.

Case in point: I attended an Arizona Diamondbacks’ game on Thursday (June 11) and even someone as stunningly intelligent and mentally stable as I started to question the notion.

First, let me point out that the team possesses a 26-35 record as of this writing. I am completely cognizant of the fact that there are only two worse teams in MLB this year: the Kansas City Royals and the Washington Nationals. That’s lofty company, to be sure.

However, whenever I have watched the Diamondbacks live in their Phoenix stadium this year, they have been virtual maestros of the mound, performing almost flawlessly every time. In fact, they are unbeatable when I am in the house.

Of course, I’ve only been to three games, but take a look at the following results:

Diamondbacks 2 Rockies 0
Diamondbacks 10 Cubs 0
Diamondbacks 2 Giants 1*

(*It should have been zero, but I'll explain how I blew that from happening later.)

I know... I KNOW the thought that I possess strange super powers to help spur my favorite ballclub to inexplicable victory is completely irrational. I know this.

Yet, as I watched the game, a feeling nagged at me: it was completely against the odds that a team THAT bad could play SO good in my presence. Against my better judgment, I started to believe in the existence of the Gods of Baseball... again.

Then, my mind cleverly deduced exactly why: It’s all science’s fault. You see, I had remembered something I studied back in college.

In experimental research, the term observer effect (also called the Hawthorne effect) refers to changes that the act of observing will make on the phenomenon being observed.

Hmmmm.

I had arrived at Thursday’s game simply hoping to go 3 and 0 at the ballpark for the year and nothing else. I wasn’t trying to appease the Baseball Gods. Heck, I even joked that the Diamondback players felt a need to impress me every time I showed up. But, as each “zero” popped up on the scoreboard after the visiting team batted unsuccessfully, I realized that no opposing ballclub had scored a run in my presence for almost three full games.

The odds of such a thing happening are so remote that you are more likely to find Bigfoot and the Abominable Snowman doing the Macarena on Wrigley Field as the overhead clouds turn magically into pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars and green clovers.

So, as the top of the ninth inning approached the other day, I posed the question to myself: Could I actually be Arizona’s lucky charm?

TO BE CONTINUED...

(Part Two will be posted tomorrow.)