Humans Have Expiration Dates; She-Scorpions Do Not

A lot of bloggers resort to making list of cool web sites in their entries because, frankly, they’ve run out of things to write about.

Just so you know, I’m not doing that now. I don’t believe in cultivating cliches. However, I have found there are some useful sites that you should visit once in a while in order to learn more about this science-experiment-gone-wrong planet and its irreparably insane inhabitants.

For example, if you are like me, then you are curious to know when you are going to die so you can be sure to be wearing clean underwear and keep a tattered copy of Hamlet in your back pocket for deceptive appearances.

Surprisingly, there are a number of web sites where you can punch in numbers, answer a set of questions and then they cheerfully tell you when you will likely shuffle off your mortal coil.

Some are more detailed than others. For example, www.deathclock.com only asks you to enter seven bits of information. Upon entering mine, I discovered that I could expect another 1,147,756,332 seconds of life, which if my calculations are correct, means I’ll die at 73.

Unless, of course, I believe www.gotoquiz.com which has a special “When Will I Die” section that asks about 20 questions. That site informs me that I’ve lived 47% of my life and I should expire in 2049 at the age of 78. Clearly, there is some margin of error in these “foolproof” tests.

According to www.deathtimer.com I will be dead as a doornail on Sept. 19, 2045. Dear God, really? That will put me at 74. Sept. 19 strikes me as odd detail. How the Hell do they know that from asking only a few questions? Do humans expire as reliably as cartons of milk?

At www.day4death.com I am told I will die on April 21, 2061 at the age of 89. It also tells me I have a 38% chance of dying from heart disease and a 43% of it happening in a nursing home. Now, see, that’s just TOO specific. I want there to be some surprise as to how it happens, even if I have a good idea when it will happen.

I’m still rooting for “hit by a bus” because you know that kind of thing will make headlines.

Anyway, there are numerous other such sites if you simply go to Google and type in “When Will I Die?” You should try them. I find it refreshing to know that I will live to be 73, or 78, or 74, or 89. Apparently death is a multiple choice option.

I suppose I have plenty of time left, though, so I don’t need to decide which one is accurate just yet. But, then again, it's quite possible I'll be immortal and live forever. At least, that's what part of me believes.

I remember one time when I was ten, one of my best friends dared me to drink an entire pitcher of Grape Kool-Aid in less than two minutes. At the time, I was quite the Kool-Aid-making novice so I put about three dozen scoops of the sweet, silky bluish-purple powder in the container before adding the tap water.

Unfortunately for me, there was too much powder to adequately dissolve in the water, so I rapidly ingested numerous sandy chunks as I choked down each gulp. Not only was the experience very psychologically disturbing, it was also nearly lethal.

I barely managed to drink it all before my time was up. Then, I stumbled out of the room and collapsed on the floor in the living room.

Things got fuzzy at that point. I believe I rode on a beam of multi-colored light, zipping through the cold, endless darkness of space until I landed on a distant planet populated by a race of six-foot tall furry she-scorpions. They informed me that I was Pincherus, their ruling god whose likeness was countenanced in the constellation that currently covered their homeland's western hemisphere.

After they performed the terrifying Dance of the Divine Stinger, they told me they looked forward to my return visit in the Earth year 3033, just in time for the Great Final Poison Harvest Ceremony.

I was subsequently beamed back to Earth just in time to stop my friend from calling for help.

I relayed to him my story. He told me he was pretty sure that Kool-Aid was worse than crack.

Perhaps, but I'm betting that I'll be around for at least another millennium. After all, the she-scorpions were certain of it.