The Boogeyman Lives! (Part One)

Lately, I’ve been thinking about what scares me.
I mean, REALLY scares me.

I have had my share of recurring nightmares. A frequent one features impossibly fast flying snakes that dart toward me from all sides and angles until I ward them off armed only with a garden hoe.

It’s odd, to be sure. I’m not normally afraid of snakes. I won’t pick one up, mind you, but they move along slowly enough on the ground where I feel it does not take much more than brisk walking speed to avoid them.

Hence why my subconscious mind gives them the ability to fly. As for the garden hoe... why I use that a weapon is a mystery to me. Combine that with a phallic symbol like the snake and I’m sure you could have a Freudian field day.

Regardless, I am not particularly adept with garden tools, and yet in these dreams I can catch striking snakes with the handle’s edge and fling them off into the distance in one radically fluid ninja-like motion. But, like robocalls near election day, they keep on coming back.

I’ve had the dream enough where it doesn’t even scare me anymore. In fact, what DOES scare me seems to be almost nothing because, let’s face it, life is terrifying enough on its own.

I suppose ghosts are a scary idea because they represent the part of us that do not want to be forgotten after we die.

What about werewolves? Vampires? Zombies? I think they are too amusing as concepts to be truly scary.

Let’s break them down for the metaphors they are, shall we? Werewolves are normal people who turn into crazy, murderous beasts once a month. Given, such beasts could be male (and not just female -- hint, hint), but it does seem a bit silly and insulting to women.

Vampires are usually more sexual than terrifying. There is just nothing inherently creepy about fashionable individuals who wear goth clothing (including capes and leather boots) and give their victims hickeys.

That just leaves zombies, who generally walk slow (having atrophy and mangled limbs holding them back) and are completely mindless. Oooh. Scary! The only way they can get you is through sheer volume. And, what do they do when they get you? They eat your brains.

The concept itself is kind of dumb: mindless creatures stagger around aimlessly as they try to rid the living of their brains. There is another name for this phenomenon: Republicans. (Oh, OK... fine. If you prefer, substitute that last word for “Democrats” or “telemarketers” or “Cleveland Browns fans” -- but you get the idea.)

The truth is I have always viewed my own fear like irony: I can’t necessary define what it is, but I’ll know it when I see it. This might explain why I love the concept of The Boogeyman so much. It’s the ultimate embodiment of whatever scares the Hell out of you. What an absolutely wonderful idea.

I felt much differently about it, however, when I was younger.


To Be Continued Tomorrow...