Batman and Robin Revisited (Part Three)

(See Previous Passing Thoughts Blog Entries for Parts One and Two)

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I will finally complete my running commentary of the 1997 film Batman and Robin for the five people out there who are interested.

(45:27 mark) In perhaps the biggest “Holy Shit” moment of the movie, Batman and Robin compete in an auction bid for Poison Ivy that reaches several million dollars before Batman suddenly pulls out a credit card with the bat logo on it. It actually says “Good thru forever." Batman is willing to pay millions in Bat Cash for an overacting Uma.

He even utters the line: “Never leave the cave without it."

This is the GREATEST MOMENT IN MOVIE HISTORY!

Fast Fact: Did you know that the budget for this film was over $140 million? That’s approximately one million for every time Arnold says the words “cool” or "cold."

(48:55 mark) Why are there giant half-naked bronze statues in every corner of Gotham? Did they rename it Gaytham in between films?

(49:25 mark) Honest to God, the key players are now engaged in a car chase on one of the aforementioned giant statues. It ends with three vehicles jumping from a giant open hand. I am speechless for a whole 30 seconds. Anybody who knows me understands this is an incredible feat.

Finally, I ask aloud: How did this movie only win one Razzie Award (Worst Supporting Actress: Alicia Silverstone)? Absolutely mind boggling.

(57:00 mark) Look, it’s the most psychedelic gang of street thugs ever. They are immersed in glow-in-the-dark black light body paint with shiny white skull-like faces, I feel like I climbed directly into a Joel Schumacher nightmare. Any second now, they’ll break out into a song and play Twister.

(57:21 mark) Actual dialog from head glowstick gang guy: “Hello, my pretty, pretty, pretty.” Was this nominated for a Best Screenplay Oscar?

Let's skip ahead a bit...

(1:13:55 mark) More Championship Caliber Dialog:

Robin: I can’t believe we were fighting over a bad guy.
Batman: Bad? Yes. Guy? No.

Who knew Batman was such a homophobe? Why then does he live in Gaytham City?

(1:22:21 mark) Poison Ivy unveils a disturbingly-cartoonish animatronic flower creature that will supposedly usher in a new era for mankind blah blah blah. Her plan is to repopulate the world from scratch. Arnold and Uma will be Adam and Eve. It kind of has a nice ring to it. I am now officially rooting for the bad guys.

(1:25:52 mark) During the ceremony when officials unveil Gotham’s new Super Gawdy Telescope, some ecstatic extra in a tux is jumping up and down like he’s just won the lottery. Regardless, he is still the best actor in this film.

(1:35:39 mark) Alfred the butler does an uncanny Max Headroom impersonation. Simply fantastic! But it raises a vexing question: what kind of perverted old man “takes the liberty” of designing a skin-tight rubber Batgirl outfit for his young adult niece?

(1:37:40 mark) Robin the Boy Blunder asks Poison Ivy: “Is your thumb the only thing on you that’s green?” Yowza, yowza, yowza. All we need now is some music: bow chicka mow mow.

(1:38:50 mark) Robin: “I hate to disappoint you, but rubber lips are immune to your charms.” Hmm. I believe rubber chickens are, as well.

(1:39:30 mark) Batgirl drops in (literally, of course) and scolds Ivy: “You’re about to become compost.” Kind of like this entire movie.

(1:40:45 mark) A giant venus flytrap plant eats Poison Ivy. I now realize that Joel Schumaker is basically Ed Wood with a big budget.

(1:41:37) Worst pun of the film, hands down: “Let’s kick some ice.”



Then, the movie really starts to go downhill.

Mr. Freeze encases all of Gotham in ice using the telescope, his freeze gun and... well, who really cares?

Robin says something insensitive about how all of the “gothamites” will be “ice cubes” permanently in another eight minutes or so. Batgirl figures they can save the city by using space satellites to reflect the “sunlight from the Congo” back to Gotham and thaw it out. There may be one problem with her plan: reality.

Long story short, the good guys win, but not before Batman taunts his enemy: “Hey Freeze, the heat is on.” That’s the best line the overpaid screenwriter could come up with? Glenn Frey must be rolling in his grave... well, if he was dead he certainly would be.

The Gothamites avoid their perpetual ice cube fate, and Alfred is magically saved from his made-up fatal disease in the happiest of endings. Well, almost. The Batman franchise did indeed die ingloriously and it disappeared for numerous years until the men from Momento and American Pscyho joined forces to successfully resurrect it.

Batman and Robin Revisited (Part Two)

(See Previous Passing Thoughts Blog Entry for
Part One)

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I will now resume my running commentary of the 1997 film Batman and Robin, starting with Uma Thurman's first appearance in the film.

(15:30 mark) Oh, Uma, Uma. You can certainly act better than this. You were nominated for an Oscar once, for God's sake.

(17:45 mark) A mad scientist with Yahoo Serious hair creates the supervillain Bane by pumping some involuntary guinea pig-schmuck full of green steroid venom juice. I would have called him “Bonds” but that’s just me.

(18:45 mark) Huh? The remorseless convict who was forced to undergo a disturbing and painful procedure decides to lay a beatdown on the bastard who tries to keep him restrained. Didn’t see that coming.

(20:40 mark) Note to self: Don’t throw a disgruntled crazy employee into a shallow grave of toxic chemicals and plant vines. She might soon turn into a supervillain and seek terrible vengeance.

(24:26 mark) Yup. She comes back! And, she's a lot sexier, too. Being buried in the ground with toxic chemicals will do that to you. It also makes Uma act even worse. Suddenly, she is speaking like a 1920s sexpot.

(27:53 mark) Of course. Mr. Freeze’s “Cryo-Suit” runs on diamonds. How practical.

(30:19 mark) And now, Alicia Silverstone makes her first appearance. She calls the Bat Butler “Uncle Alfred.” He can’t believe his niece came all the way from England. I can’t either, since she doesn’t even remotely have a British accent. She has more of a blonde accent.

(30:30 mark) Ms. Clueless reveals that both of her parents were killed in a car accident years ago. Does every superhero have to be an orphan? Let’s do the math: Batman plus Robin plus Batgirl = SIX dead parents.

(34:05 mark) Damn, Gotham is one ugly city. I think it was designed by cartoon characters on crack.


Everybody in Gotham was happy that the city planner
opted for the "Half-Naked Bronze Guy Cupping the Lamp
Post Balls" design for Old Town St.

(40:10 mark) Dancing, half-naked savages at some big Gotham bash are now swinging from vines over the crowd below. Visions of Haircut 100 singing Love Plus One prance around in my head. This movie is only slightly less gay than Brokeback Mountain.

(41:58 mark) This is difficult to describe. Somebody in a pink, puffy ape-suit (made out of what appears to be giant cotton balls) is getting his dance groove on. Oh wait, it’s revealed to be Poison Ivy. Whew. Thought we ventured into Surrealville for a moment, but...

(43:08 mark) Uma now dons a green feathery unitard. She also sports long magenta hair! She is very, very hot... until she speaks. Still, heterosexuals of the world have found a reason to keep watching.

(43:24 mark) Nope. Now, the gay-meter just exploded. The sheer Uma-ness of the scene apparently had to be balanced by a bunch of buff beefcakes in loin cloths. They actually lay on the ground flat so that Uma can walk on them. The critical voice inside me wonders if it all may be a smidge ostentatious.

I think I'll give my eyes a rest and try again tomorrow because I am a glutton for punishment.

To Be Continued Tomorrow...

Batman and Robin Revisited (Part One)

Batman and Robin (1997)

Directed by: Joel Schumacher
Running Time: 2 hours and 4 minutes.

I first watched this film at its advance opening premiere in Tempe back in 1997. I wisely have avoided it since then but recently decided to watch it and provide a running commentary mentioning some of its highlights since all I remembered about it was the infamous Bat Nipples.

Shortly after the movie begins, the camera focuses in on a Nite-Brite Batmobile that looks likes it's powered by a spinning blue light disco ball.

Robin quips: "I want a car. Chicks dig the car." And, we're off. One of the worst films of all time begins with one of the stupidest opening lines ever. I feel like a boxer who was knocked to his knees by the first punch in Round One.

Already, I can't help but feel that the producers of this film bought neon lights at a bulk discount rate. Also, every scene looks like the aftermath of a tragic Crayola explosion.

(3:21 mark) Alfred inexplicably cries in the corner of the Bat-Cave. Apparently, he already knows how much of a suck-fest the film is going to be.

In the first fight between Batman and Robin vs. Mr. Freeze, ice skating goons that Robin refers to as the "hockey team from Hell" appear out of nowhere in a scene that looks straight out of Strange Brew. You know you're in trouble if an action movie is ripping off fight choreography from Bob and Doug McKenzie.

Anyway, The Governator awkwardly spits out his first line of this masterpiece: "The ice man cometh."

I wish he'd goeth away now.


Hey Bats, why do you think they're going through
all of this trouble for this cheesy-looking
fake diamond?


(7:02 mark) No #@$!ing way! Did Batman and Robin just click their heels together to make ice blades come out of their boots?

(7:30 mark) Oh, no he didn't! The Freezinator just tossed a security guard 25 feet up into the air to knock his freeze gun from off its perch on a giant rock. I am almost positive the exact same thing happened in Shakespeare's Merchant of Venice.

Random Questions Pop Into My Head As I Watch: Was everybody who worked on this film on drugs? Does Joel Schumacher even possess a soul? Wasn't Mr. Freeze a skinny old nerd in the comic books? Is it even physically possible for ice skaters to pole vault?

(9:58 mark) And now the former Mr. Universe has launched a rocket out of the Freeze Mobile with Robin hanging onto the side. Batman's sidekick must be stronger than gravity and physics combined.

(10:40 mark) Mr. Freeze informs Batman: "At 30,000 feet your heart will freeze and beat no more." This I did not know. I can't believe this man was elected Governor of California. I'm pretty sure his opponent would have won by a landslide if he simply showed clips of this film during the debates. At least this film can't get any worse.

(11:11 mark) Huh. I guess it can. Mr. Freeze just leaped from the high-speeding rocket and pulled on a rip cord to release giant metal wings from his Cryo-Suit.

(12:03 mark) Oh good, the dynamic duo managed to save Gotham from being turned into a smoking crater. They program the rocket to blow up in space (because the millions of tons of debris won't come back down eventually) then jump out of it using the thick metal doors as floating boogie boards. Are they #@$!ing with me? Was this written by Beavis and Butthead?

(13:24 mark) Fun fact, kiddos! You can plummet thousands of feet toward certain doom and break your fall at the last second by firing a freeze cannon at the ground, thus turning it into ice! Everybody knows that falling a mile and landing on ice (even softer slushy ice) would in no way shatter every bone in your body and turn your organs into soup.

To say this movie is over the top is a tad bit obvious, kind of like saying it is better to experience a two-hour orgasm than to be eaten alive by porcupines.

(13:47 mark) Yeah! Mr. Freeze turned Robin into a block of ice. No more inane dialog from you, Mr. O'Donnell! Unfortunately, we still have to listen to Mr. Schwarzenegger: "Stay cool, bird boy!"

(15:05 mark) Damn. Batman just thawed the Boy Hostage out. How can there be over an hour and 45 minutes left in this movie?

Oh wow, I don't think I can keep watching today. I'll see if I can stomach the rest tomorrow.


To Be Continued Tomorrow...