Toys Have Changed Since I Was a Kid #2

I have to admit, I'm starting to feel as if somebody short-sheeted the bed known as my childhood.

My generation really had craptastic toys. Well, that's not entirely true. Those in a higher income bracket were undoubtedly overjoyed by their millions of Star Wars action figure sets. Me? I was ecstatic about a sock puppet I received one birthday. It was known as Lame Duck (pictured to the right), although it may have been a yellow ostrich/mutant chick hybrid of some sort that escaped the set of Sesame Street.

That's OK, though. I may have too often found myself immersed in solitude with few toys, or even food or water, but I had my imagination dammit... which made my cardboard casserole taste like filet mignon and my collection of previously discarded bottlecaps seem like an armada of UFO warships (with cool names like "Tab" and "Squirt").

But, I digress. In all honesty, I was quite jealous of my friend Jesse whose family made more money and thus were able to afford to buy him the coveted Chewbacca sock puppet at The Thrifty Cheapskate store downtown.



And, of course, Sock Chewie always kicked Lame Duck's yellow-cottony ass every time they fought a no-holds-barred cage match. He even had a Wookie utility belt draped across his shoulder, for God's sake! How could a bird without arms or wings compete with that #$@*!

That foul jealousy (no pun intended) occasionally rears its ugly head in my adult life, as well, especially when I observe some of the new, completely awesome toys that are available to the hordes of texting teeny boppers that don't even appreciate them.

It makes me prone to believe that God had some kind of personal vendetta against the 1970s and 1980s. (Does disco and breakdancing not prove this theory?)

At any rate, I recently stumbled upon a precious plaything that I would have gladly traded both of my brothers and a bag of magic beans for: Brian the Freakin' Bad-Ass Robot.

He actually comes equipped with an animatronic brain that uses voice-recognition technology to respond to verbal prompts and engage children in conversation.




The device is programmed with The Concise Encyclopedia from Britannica, a dictionary, and a world-history timeline so it can play word, memory and trivia games with the child. The device can even ask children about their likes and dislikes and learn to interact personally with them, even telling jokes and flashing a multi-colored brain for a little extra pizazz.

As for my Lame Duck toy, it spoke to me in a demonic voice similar to the kid's from The Exorcist, and it tried to kill me on a number of different occasions... including once with a rusty electric buzzsaw.

Brian the Brain, on the other hand, can be programmed to keep a personal telephone book and event calendar, and devices such as phones and iPods can be hooked up to it so that he can call whoever you want for you or play any song on your mp3 player.

My sock puppet would head butt me, repeatedly, or whack me with a stainless steel cheese shredder, if I so much as tried to sing a note.

As if Brian the Brian wasn't already cool enough, he also responds to direct verbal commands (i.e. "Get my dinner, bitch."). Plus, he has a retractable keyboard so you can communicate via text with him. LOL!

Of course, Lame Duck only responded to me with his biting, sarcastic wit. The only features that little Hellspawn possessed were two creepy eyes and a dry, hairy tongue. He would also leave fur droppings everywhere in his wake so I had to "hand vacuum" my room every day.

I suppose there was ONE advantage my childhood toy had over the new, hi-tech robot companion. Instead of costing about $120, it cost approximately 14 cents so I only had to find a couple of recyclable glass bottles and turn them in so I could save up for other sock puppet creatures, including Sneaky Satan Snake and Wally Werewolf Worm.

By the way, if you'd like to see more of Brian the Brain in a short film clip, go to YouTube here. If you are feeling the pinch of the recession but would still like to know where you can learn how to make your very own Ewok sock puppet cheaply, then I suggest you try here.

Toys Have Changed Since I Was a Kid...

I saw this picture today and couldn't help but think that the overall quality of toys has changed a bit since I was a wee lad. Even a super lame movie like Superman Returns managed to spawn a product as cool as this "Truck Lifting Superman Set" designed by Mattel.

Here's the lowdown direct from the lips of the marketing department, who are all in their thirties no doubt:

Superman can lift a Daily Planet truck clear over his head with this exciting playset. Hand-grips on the side of the truck allow the Superman figure to get a handle. When kids push the figure's right leg forward, Superman actually lifts the truck up and over his head! Truck includes rolling wheels, exploding front end and other play features. Figure measures approximately 10" tall.

Verily, this appears to be quite an awesome toy and I would be a pathological liar if I said I wasn't a bit jealous of kids today. But, I pity them, as well. After all, they will never be able to harness the creativity and imagination that my generation possessed in spades. (We had no choice, lest we die of complete and utter boredom.)

I think I prefer my old-fashioned, low-tech toys. I still vividly recall one fine Christmas morning when my ten-year-old eyes lit up at the sight of my lone gift from Santa Claus himself. It was actually a two-fold present that had been stored in the freezer overnight.

In a fitful flash of fury, I unwrapped a variety box of sixteen mysteriously flavored Popsicles that were as tasty as they were colorful! (Mmmm. I think the dull green one tastes like sugar-covered tin foil!) Then, once I had perilously ingested those delicious delicacies, I was allowed to wash off the wooden stick handles and reuse them to my own devious intents and purposes.

Oh, the boundless whimsy! I can barely describe it.



With my mighty array of light brown Popsicle sticks, I would act out the adventures of the Discontent Denizens of New Stick City daily from dawn to dusk.

Stick Man #1: I hereby challenge you to a stick duel!

Stick Man #2: Thou art the discarded offspring of a timid toothpick! Challenge accepted.

Tik, tak, tik, tak, tik, tak. Fast forward seven hours...

Stick Man #1: I will never yield!

Stick Man #2: Nor will I, despite the oncoming Carpal Tunnel Syndrome that has beset itself in my very hands!

Fast forward seven more hours. The fight came to an abrupt end when Stick Man #2 inexplicably broke in half, his splinters spilling out onto the unvacuumed carpeted pastures of New Stick City.

At that point, my father would naturally walk into my room, become significantly angry and make me sleep outside in the Pit of Starving Scorpions for breaking one of my brand new Christmas toys.

Ah, sweet blessed memories.