Here is a quick recap:
10) Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus (2009)
9) Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot! (1992)
8) Howard the Duck (1986)
7) Battlefield Earth (2000)
6) Catwoman (2004)
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Now, I shall proceed to list off the five worst films ever.
Personally, I believe we should lock these movies away in a time capsule so the next time (yes, I said next) aliens attack the Earth with one of their many planet-dominating strategies, it can be used as a defensive weapon. After all, it is highly unlikely that a well-cultured and vastly intelligent race could ever survive watching them, but even if they do, they will probably lose interest in conquering a planet that is capable of producing such senseless schlock.
Please Note: The author of this article is not responsible for any negative health effects, including spontaneous blindness, erectile dysfunction, brain shrinkage and fits of depression caused as the direct result of viewing the following films.
5) Showgirls (1995)
The first mistake they committed was to grossly overpay for a banal script. As the story goes, screenwriter Joe Eszterhas (Basic Instinct) originally scribbled the idea for the story on a napkin while vacationing in Hawaii. That explains so much.
The idea and subsequent script lacked any original thought: Girl goes to Vegas to become a dancer, even if she must lie, cheat and steal her way to the top. She's also willing to stab and screw anyone with a pulse and cuss like a drunken rapper along the way.
Does that sound like a $2 million script?
OK. In all fairness, I'm just kidding. That wasn't the actual amount paid out for the screenplay. That was just the advance Eszterhas was given to write the script. He actually received an additional $1.7 million when the studio produced the film! If my math is correct, that's $3.7 million altogether, or about $100,000 for each time someone says the word "whore" in this film.
Next, the studio decided to make the film NC-17 (not a commercially viable rating even to this day) and the filmmakers refused to edit it down even though it desperately needed it. This fiasco clocks in at an agonizaing 2 hours and 11 minutes long.
Still, a film can be overbudgeted, badly rated by the MPAA and run too long, but at least you can minimize the damage by casting it correctly, right? Apparently, Drew Barrymore was courted for the titular role, but she wisely turned it down. However, Charlize Theron actually auditioned for it. I don't think she could have made lemonade from this pile of refuse, but she would have been more interesting.
Instead, the part went to Elizabeth Berkley of Saved By the Bell fame. That sealed the fate for the film, basically. There was no way it could avoid being an absolute retch-fest.
It's not that Berkley can't dance (she regularly worked 16 hours a day in high heels while filming the dance sequences) and she certainly had the body to play a stripper (it has been reported that she is completely nude for a whopping 20 minutes of screen time), it's just that she has all the charm of a rabid pit bull adorned in a Nazi uniform. In fact, that is pretty much the way she approaches the role (minus actually wearing the uniform, of course).
She can't act. That is a given. That possibly could have been forgiven since she's naked and dancing for so much of the film (or gyrating as if she's being electrocuted during her unintentionally hilarious sex scenes). What can't be forgiven is that she is the most unlikable protagonist in the history of cinema.
She resonates pure seething hatred in almost every frame. It's impossible not to despise her or root passionately for her to fail.
She's so catty and full of venom that it's even frightening to watch the stripping scenes. I half expected her to stop licking the stripper's pole, rip it out of the ground and start beating everyone around her to death.
In the end, Showgirls can be summed up as an NC-17 film that is about as erotic as a root canal without novacaine. At the time it was released, it was nominated for an unprecedented 13 Golden Razzie nominations (winning seven), which is a strong argument in itself to make it the worst film in history (and to think, it's only #5).
Certainly, it's undeniably entertaining to watch. It's sort of like a train wreck that keeps going for over two hours as the debris and carnage continue to pile up.
4) Kazaam (1996)
It's a shame, really. Shaquille O'Neal had the potential to be such a great actor (at least as great as he is on the free throw line). All he had to do was find the right role, such as, say, that of an inanimate corpse badly lit in the background of a wide angle shot. I think he would have been perfect for that. Anything else, however, is asking for trouble.
Especially a rapping genie, for #@$% sake!
I don't even know where to begin with this film. The story is downright insulting. Imagine for a moment that a white kid accidentally frees a large black genie from a boombox. How cute, right?
The boy is rewarded with three wishes. Until his three wishes are granted, the small white boy realizes he is the MASTER of the large black man who must do whatever he orders him to do! So, it's a movie about slavery, Disney-style. Seriously.
Making things much worse, there is a fair share of (accidental?) overtones of pedophilia, as the relationship between Kazaam and the kid is often uncomfortably inappropriate, but let's not go there.
Undeniably, the film's premise is a stupid one. It's made much worse by the fact that it is so poorly executed. The film has a pretty dark tone that simply doesn't work because — hello!?! Rapping genie!
Then there is the small matter of the movie's climactic scene featuring Shaq compressing the stereotypical villain into a big round ball and slam dunking him through a hoop. It's criminally moronic.
However, listening to the actual dialog in this film (especially the rap lyrics) feels exactly like scooping large portions of your brain out and frying them on the stove.
Random Rapping Sample #1: If you wanna be number one, I'm sorry boy, that's been done! But if you got the itches for a sack of riches don't matter how avaricious, I'm the man that can grant your wishes! Hey, don't turn your butt on me! I'm the man of the ages, straight out of the pages. Hang on! I'm contagious, outrageous, spontaneous! You can't contain this. I am KAZAAM!
Random Rapping Sample #2: As Romeo said before Juliet, grab hold your prince we'll have a sextet... And if you girls are hungry, let's green egg and ham it.
3) Batman & Robin (1997)
Clearly the set and costume designers were on copious amounts of crack. The heroes' suits all irrationally include bat nipples. Adding to the fun, every major movie set looks suspiciously like the aftermath of a tragic Crayola factory explosion.
I can honestly say, withou fear of hyperbole, that this film makes the campy 1960s TV show starring Adam West look like a Shakespearean drama in comparison.
On the plus side, Uma Thurman is quite sexy as the ludicrous Poison Ivy, well, at least until she inexplicably speaks her lines like a 1920s sexpot.
As over the top as Uma acts, she's nothing compared to Arnold "The Governator" Schwarzenegger. His perpetually vacant eyes are a nice complement to his rigid immovable lips that choke on his irritatingly dumbed-down dialog (which is simply inexcusable because 90% of it involves puns with the words "ice" or "cold").
I remember the first time I saw this Bat-astrophe in the theater. All I could say to myself was: "They shelled out a $140 million budget for THIS!" My jaw dropped after the first 30 seconds and I was never able to close my mouth properly until hours after the movie was over.
I'm not exaggerating.
The film actually features a car chase up and down the limbs of a giant statue! When Batman and Robin compete in an auction bid for Poison Ivy (while under her love spell), the caped crusader (George Clooney) whips out a credit card with the bat logo on it and actually says: "Never leave the cave without it!"
That alone might be the greatest moment in all of movie history.
The climax of the film features a scheme where Poison Ivy and Mr. Freeze try to freeze all of Gotham's citizens with a gawdy, super-sized observatory telescope (this may be one of the more believable moments of the film).
Fortunately, Batgirl (Alicia Silverstone) hatches a bat-brained strategy that is just crazy enough to work. She decides to use space satellites to reflect the “sunlight from the Congo” back to Gotham and thaw it out. There may be one problem with her plan: reality.
This is nothing short of an aboslute celluloid nightmare. It is a full-on bat-sh$t crazy cataclysm. It single-handedly destroyed the lucrative Batman franchise for almost a decade. That alone makes it a prime candidate for the number one spot, but somehow there are still two films ahead of this Bat-Bomb.
2) The Room (2003)
Case in point, The Room made a paltry $2,000 during its initial theatrical run and yet somehow it survived.
Initially, critics departed early during screenings because they were appalled at the film's amateurish acting and sophomoric script which came across as an R-rated afterschool special, only a bit cornier and with none of the insight.
However, the movie's writer/star/director/producer Tommy Wiseau was soon bombarded with almost a hundred fan e-mails shortly after the movie was considered DOA. These were the same people at the badly-attended debut who were literally laughing so hard they cried during the film, which is supposed to be a dark drama. It's more like an entertaining enema.
That praise encouraged Wiseau to keep pushing for the film to be shown in more theaters. Over time, The Room built up a cult following ala The Rocky Horror Picture Show. In fact, fanatical viewers in Los Angeles and New York have been known to show up at the film dressed in the costumes of its characters and scream out the dialog as it is delivered onscreen.
Such insanity can only be inspired by something truly remarkable or abysmally bad. I'll let you decide which category this film falls under.
The Room follows the story of sleepy-faced man named Johnny who struggles mightily with human emotions and the English language even as he has trouble keeping his psychotic "future wife" Lisa happy. He dotes on her constantly and buys her roses every four minutes, yet still the She-Beast sleeps with his best friend Mark.
There are subplots, as well. Johnny and his friends like to play catch with a football (but only from about three feet away from each other). A partially retarded kid named Denny tries to climb in bed with Johnny and Lisa whenever they are about to have sex (which is every five minutes during the first half of the film). Denny also decides to dabble in drugs, but which ones are never mentioned. Meanwhile, Lisa's mother scowls constantly as she babbles about breast cancer, real estate problems and failed relationships of her own, yet still she has to listen to her self-absorbed daughter constantly complain about how stupid Johnny wants to buy her a stupid house.
Of course, the plot doesn't matter and the subplots are incomplete ideas, at best. The pleasure derived from this film comes from its inexhaustible idiocy. It strives to be a profound examination of the human drama, but it comes off as a clueless and puerile parody.
Characters shift from outraged to nonplussed in mere seconds. Extras deliver simple lines of dialog with uncomfortable clumsiness, yet still somehow they steal scenes from the leads.
Unnecessary characters show up and abruptly disappear, leaving behind subplots that are never pursued again. It's almost as if the script was created by the actors at the same time the director started filming. These people are making it up as they go and they don't even have interesting imaginations.
This film must be seen to be believed. Really. There is no point in me telling you anything more about it because my poor, pathetic words will only fail to do this monstrosity justice. It's like trying to describe the pain of childbirth. You just can't adequately do it. It's just something you must suffer through in order to gain a true understanding of it.
1) Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959)
Cutting corners in every possible aspect of production, it is painfully obvious that Wood never once bothered with a second take. This film features bouncing UFO models (clearly car hubcaps on strings) and actors propped on crate boxes bouncing up and down in front of a shower curtain while they pretend to fly a plane.
Did I also mention that there is no continuity whatsoever? Scenes flash back and forth, rotating from daytime to dusk, repeatedly, without rhyme or reason.
Then there are the lightweight fake headstones that wobble and fall over from wind. Boom mikes bob in full camera view. Furniture from one set inexplicably moves to another. Spaceships impossibly give off shadows in space. The special effects for the Army's exploding rockets consist of cheap firecrackers. Corpses blink... before they are reanimated.
The list could go on forever as the film is riddled with goofs and gafffes to the point that it is an absolute affront to human intelligence.
Perhaps the worst insult to the audience is the mishandled cameo by famed horror veteran Bela Lugosi, who died during filming. Undaunted, Wood opted to use footage of Legosi that he actually shot for another film. Then, he hired his wife's chiropractor to cover his face with a cape and pretend to be Lugosi's character for the rest of the film. He fails miserably at hiding his face, but at least he admirable turns away from the camera whenever possible.
The only thing worse than Wood's incompetent directing, however, is his incomprehensible writing.
The plot of the film is as follows: alien elitists with extremely poor fashion taste decide to take over planet Earth and all of the "stupid minds" of its inhabitants by incorporating Plan 9 from their wacky Alien Invasion Handbook.
It's unclear what exactly Plan 9 entails, but it does involve resurrecting three dead humans back to life (yes, that number was three). The zombies aren't terribly mobile or lethal, but hey, at least it's a start. How this is a basis for world domination is never quite explained.
Instead, the rambling narration of an overtly serious man named Criswell simply informs the audience at the start of the film: Greetings, my friend. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future.
Criswell is probably not the most logical choice to help illuminate the audience; after all, he speaks like a robotic game show host and disucsses the future in the past tense.
Not surprisingly, most of the characters in the film are simply too bizarre for words -- kind of like the the actors Wood employed to play them. In addition to using his wife's chiropractor as a stand-in Legosi, Wood scraped the absolute bottom of the barrel for two of his zombies: an ex-professional wrestler named Tor and a late night TV b-movie host called Vampira.
He couldn't have picked two more lifeless choices. Tor and Vampira move so agonzingly slow and rigid that it becomes apparent that they can't possibly kill anybody unless their would-be victims politely stand still and wait to be attacked.
I suppose the same thing will likely happen to those who end up watching this movie. You can either opt to walk away and distance yourself from this hapless heap of horrors, or you can continue to watch as the damage it inflicts upon you slowly, slowly, slowwwwwly increases with every passing second.
Sample Dialog: Visits? That would indicate visitors.
More Sample Dialog: But one thing's sure. Inspector Clay is dead, murdered, and somebody's responsible.
Still More Sample Dialog: Now toddle off and fly your flying machine.
Yet More Sample Dialog: You know, it's an interesting thing when you consider... the Earth people, who can think, are so frightened by those who cannot: the dead.
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