Passing Thoughts

I Was a Medical Experiment! (Part Four)

2010-08-27T16:08:00.001-07:00

For those curious about all the details that go on during clinical trials, I decided to be a "guinea pig" in the name of medical science for one back in 2008. My wife worked at a medical research center at the time and I had no idea what occurred during the drug approval process. Needless to say, I was curious.

After three long weekends (and 17 days) I learned a lot. Perhaps a little too much. This is what happened. Parts One, Two & Three already covered the screening and orientation process and the first two extended visits. Now, Part Four focuses on the final weekend of the clinical trial. All information and research was current in 2008 when this was originally written.

Final Friday of Study
Earlier this week I got another reminder of how harshly the public views the medical research industry. It was during a phone conversation with my mother. Apparently, she had mentioned to my uncle that I was in this medical study and he responded by asking, “It isn’t that AIDS' study, is it?”

He was concerned that medical researchers had infected me with the HIV virus. Admittedly, I had no idea what he was talking about, so I Googled for more information.

Recently, the brakes were put on a major international Phase II study sponsored by Merck (whom I swear I am not gunning for) and the HIV Vaccine Trials Network (HVTN). It involved an experimental AIDS vaccine. It was the first study in a new direction researchers are attempting to halt the disease in its tracks. Apparently, the line of thinking is that if a person’s white blood cells can be trained to attack other cells that have been invaded by the virus, they can either prevent HIV infection, or at least acutely limit its scope.

It sounds good on paper, but the first major test was deemed a failure. In the study, more than 3,000 uninfected volunteers had been injected with one of three shots. Half were assigned the study vaccine and half were administered a placebo.

Recently, an independent board, which monitors and regulates clinical trials to ensure safety, did not like an early trend spotted in the data. Shockingly, 24 people who received the actual vaccine developed HIV infections. That number was larger than the 21 placebo-injected volunteers who also became infected.

Perhaps more revealing were the results of a smaller group of participants who had received at least two injections before the study was cut off. Among them, 19 infections were found in those given the real vaccine, contrasting sharply to the 11 infected who were given the placebo. The statistical anomaly is alarming, certainly, and it was the proper thing to stop the study. However, those numbers are not necessarily direct proof that the researchers infected the volunteers with HIV.

You wouldn’t know that if you read the headlines or asked the general public. Many believe the researchers essentially infected the participants. There is no conclusive proof that is what happened, but people maintain a propensity to view medical research with a suspicious eye.

The story is tragic on many levels. I can’t imagine how the 24 people who were given the vaccine feel. They go into a study that is supposed to ward off the “HIV” virus and end up contracting it. How? I have no idea as I don’t know all the information. Did they engage in safe sex? Did they avoid any behaviors that would make them at-risk for HIV? I ask these questions because 21 people who were given a placebo also contracted the virus. How did any of these people get it? The articles I have read do not say.

Based solely on the general study results published in the news, it is impossible to make an accurate and fair assessment of the situation.

Regardless, the entire story naturally makes me even more skeptical of the industry, but not so much that I’m going to run screaming from this study. I would lie if I said I did not immediately think: what if the pills I’m taking in this study caused me to have a heart attack? I would be enraged beyond belief.

As sad as the news is for the people recently infected with HIV, the news is even bleaker for the world. According to statistics from the United Nations, almost 40 million people in the world were infected with the HIV virus in 2006. More than 25 million people have died of AIDS since 1981.

Merck had been testing the drug for ten years. If the vaccine had worked, it would have been hugely important for the global effort against AIDS. After all, nothing is more effective in combating disease than prevention.

*************************************

As I check into the facility for the third and final time, I immediately realize this weekend will be different. We are at full capacity. There are 22 of us altogether, almost twice as many as we’ve had sleeping here in the past two weekends.

We gained two more participants for the heart disease study (they are part of a different group), as well as seven diabetics in a diabetes study. We’ve been given clear-cut instructions not to give any of our food to the diabetics as they are on a strict diet that does not include many of the things we can eat.

When we are told our evening snack is ready, we must eat it in the kitchen (far away from the Day Room) to make sure carnage is avoided.

Actually, I’m not joking. I overhead one diabetic say (only half-sarcastically) that he’d kill for a jelly donut. When he said that, one of the teen smokers was eating a jelly donut (a treat he was given for behaving so well). The 14-year-old kid looked quite worried and ate the snack in about three bites as his eyes darted back and forth all around him.

Meanwhile, I write to keep my mind from the fact that I have a huge, throbbing headache. I’m not even sure that this pain is related to my study participation. It feels like a migraine (which feels like an axe wound), something I get about five times a year and haven’t gotten in many, many months. Judging by the severity, it has to be one and the timing could not be worse.

My wife brought a Maxalt (three cheers for Merck who got it right THAT time!) in for me to take, and the study manager informs me that I can take whatever I need to for the pain. Of course, if I do take it, it will have to be documented.

I am already familiar with a mild adverse event. When I had four nights of headaches a little while back, that’s how the researchers classified them. An adverse event is any unfavorable or unintended sign, symptom or disease temporarily associated with the use of a medical treatment. It does not matter if the adverse event is believed to be directly related to the treatment. It has to be noted regardless.

There are many levels and types of adverse events. The most serious one, of course, is death. That would be classified as an SAE (serious adverse event), as would anything that required hospitalization or was considered as life-threatening.

Again, when somebody dies during a study, that doesn’t mean it’s a result of the testing. If I had gotten run over by an 18-wheeler on the way in, it would be an SAE.

With a severe, mind-splitting headache, I’ve upgraded from mild, which means the adverse event I’m experiencing is enough to completely interrupt my usual daily activities and require treatment. The question is, what treatment do I take in order to get rid of this useless headache that I can’t help but think feels EXACTLY like bleeding in the stupid brain!

Here’s the dilemma: if I take migraine medicine there are two factors to consider. First of all, I’m taking part in an experiment and I’m supposed to be drug free so they can directly analyze and record what is happening in me during this testing process.

If you start adding other medications to your body, it has the potential to contaminate the findings. There is no way that taking a medication such as Maxalt (as much as I love it) would not change what is going on in my body. In my opinion, that would serve to undermine the last two weekends of my life as researchers would inevitably be dealing with testing circumstances that are far from ideal.

On a personal note, I believe this is an issue of integrity. I signed up for the study hoping to record it in all of its glory. I want to think that this study will end up helping others and I firmly believe that I won’t be helping them as much by taking that sweet little pill. Yes, my head hurts, and it’s unbelievably tempting, but I don’t want to have endured the last two weeks for nothing.

Then, there is the other reason. Let me stress the fact that nobody has told me I’d be in danger if I took another medication. However, if I did, I’d be mixing two medications that have never been combined before. It’s possible they could cancel each other out or not affect each other at all. It’s also possible that they could be a dangerous combination, causing an unfortunate reaction (i.e. brain bleeding, brain bleeding!). This is precisely why medical research has so many phases.

So, after vacillating back and forth many times, I’ve opted to just put an ice pack on it. That helps, certainly, though it’s hardly a permanent solution.

I am determined to go through this last weekend without any caffeine, alcohol or non-study related medications.

*************************************

I have not been the most social person tonight, but I have tried to distract myself by talking to some of the newbies, I’ve learned that an employee of this site will be one of the two new participants in our study. “Mario” had to sign a waiver in order to do so.

He is looking forward to the experience because it will help him understand what patients go through -- especially the overnight ones. He thinks his new perspective will help him perform his job better.

Earlier, I said a diabetic man was willing to kill for a jelly donut. That same man was on the phone for about a half hour. I couldn’t help but overhear him.

Apparently, “Scott” just got released from prison before he began the diabetes study. Once he is off the phone, I find out he has five kids and eight grandchildren. Six of those grandchildren belong to his 20-year old daughter. Each of those children have different fathers, he says.

His oft-pregnant daughter is in Louisiana currently and needs rent money quite badly. He can’t leave, nor does he have the money to help her at the moment. Instead, she is supposed to ask her uncle for it and let him know that he will be paid back with the money Scott will receive from this study when it’s over.

Final Saturday of Study

I managed to sleep some, though not for long. With so many patients here this weekend, I now have two roommates. It’s very cramped, and the headache alone would normally be enough to keep me up. However, I am also cognizant of the fact that there are two other people sleeping a few feet away from me, and they can probably hear every creak my bed makes (in the dead silence here) whenever I try to shift into a more comfortable position.

If you do not like sleeping a few feet from a pair of strangers, then you probably don’t want to shower a few feet away from them either. That is the reality here. There are men’s showers and women’s showers.

The men have three small showers in the shower room. They each have a curtain and there is another curtain you can roll in front of the door to afford a little more privacy. So far, I haven’t showered at the same time as anybody else. I chalk it up to good timing. However, I would probably feel a little weird if I walked in the shower room and there was somebody already in there.

It all depends on your tolerance level, I suppose. More people might be annoyed with the facility's four ounce plastic bottle of “All-N-One” whose chief ingredient is water. It claims to be shaving lotion, shampoo and body wash. I’m not sure it can be adequately classified as any of those, but it does manage to make you feel a little cleaner after a shower. I’ve given up trying to shave with it. So, I’ve gone razor-commando on my face for the weekend.

*************************************

I keep smiling because the headache disappeared when I woke up. Health really is everything.

This morning, in between the blood draw processions, I played pool with Brad. He will be using the money from this study to buy a new used car. His vehicle recently died.

I ask him if he’ll do another study in the future. He does not even hesitate: yes. Of course, he’ll keep an eye out for studies that are quick, easy and convenient.

I’ve had plenty of time to speak with Mario. Apparently, he also considered the infamous sperm count study, but could not bring himself to participate at his place of work. According to him, some of the sperm study participants have taken as little as two minutes to produce a sample. Conversely, one was in the “Velvet Room” for 90 minutes and came up dry. Stage fright, apparently.

I thought the horror stories of missing the cup or not having enough sperm were bad; he tells me one guy said his mother called him on his cell phone when he was in the room. That killed his mood for over a half hour.

Interestingly enough, some people in that study bring their own porn with them. Other participants end up stealing the porn provided in the room. I have actually seen the room and it frightened me. There is a chair with a long roll of paper covering it (like at a dental or doctor’s office) where you can rip off the old layer and pull down a new one. That isn’t even the craziest thing (apart from the porn itself, of course).

The craziest thing is that there is a small fold-up chair placed to the left of the comfortable one. That one is for the participant’s spouse or significant other. They can provide moral support (and even take their clothes off), but they cannot directly lend a hand, so to speak. That entire room belongs in the Twilight Zone.

*************************************

Also in the facility this weekend is “Sandy,” who is taking part in an epilepsy study. This site is testing a new drug, but it is difficult to find patients for this study. They need people who have epilepsy, but do not take any medications.

This is Sandy’s first study. Ironically, she used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. Her job was to take calls and help direct people to treatments and programs that would be helpful for them. Now, she may be helping add another treatment to the options.

Her main motivation, apart from hoping that her efforts will eventually help her and others with epilepsy, is to get enough money to go visit her grandchildren. She has ten blood draws today, and is not a big fan of needles. She looks a bit like a pin cushion as they’ve had to take from both arms and hands as her blood has not been free-flowing thus far. I can tell she’s in a lot of pain, and she admits she’s considered leaving more than once. Then, she thinks of her grandkids and decides to “brave it out.”

Despite it all, she says she still plans to do more studies in the future.

*************************************

It’s amazing how quickly a person’s demeanor can change. Brad had been cruising through the day just fine, then, at about 11 a.m., he looked quite pale after a blood draw. He felt weak and sick, as well. Since safety is the main goal, he was immediately taken to a private office in the Conduct Room where they checked his vitals. His blood pressure was a bit low.

After resting a while, he felt a lot better. He confided in me that he thinks it’s from not eating since 9 p.m. or so last night. We won’t get to have lunch for about another half hour, so that’s almost 14 hours of fasting.

There is a strong sense of community here, as everybody knew immediately what had happened and keep asking him how he feels as the day progresses — just as they did during my migraine debacle.

Meanwhile, unrelated yet at almost the same time, Roger had a similar experience, but more intense. He and Minny were on their way to the mall (they can come and go from the facility since he is not in an overnight study), and two blocks away he became “violently” ill and turned white.

According to Minny, he hasn’t vomited once during his entire bout with cancer (which has been for over four years), including during his chemotherapy treatment. He can’t say that anymore.

He was brought back here immediately and taken into a private room in the Conduct Room so they could take vitals, observe him and hook him up to an IV.

The odd thing is, this morning — as I taught him how to play Pyramid Solitaire — he said he was doing well. He was feeling quite optimistic, in fact.

Fortunately, he began feeling better again shortly after being back at the facility. It’s impossible to determine the root of his episode at this point. It could be the medication, of course, but it could be the cancer or the fact that he had a light breakfast (which he thinks might have something to do with it).

Regardless, it’s a good reminder that there is always an element of anxiety present for everybody involved in a medical study.

As the long day crawls by, my eyes get heavier and heavier. It’s barely after 6 p.m. and I could fall asleep right now. I’m also cold. These things are significant because I’ve noticed every Saturday and Sunday a small portion of our group has always been sleepy and cold. It seems to be random, too. Are they symptoms or side effects, or are we just bored in a facility where they keep the thermostat at 71 degrees?

Final Freaking Sunday of Study

It’s 9 a.m. and we’ve already had our first of two blood draws today. It will be an easy day, with very little to do (yet still somehow mentally exhausting), and I realize than in 24 hours I’ll be finished with the study. I will be very relieved at that time. It’s been a weird 17 days and I’m looking forward to my life (such as it is) no longer being on hold.

It takes a lot of patience, discipline and willpower to be in a study, especially if it requires overnight stays. For so-called healthy individuals, nothing makes you feel sicker than being stuck in a medical facility with multiple health tests and procedures being performed on you.

Still, the last 17 days have provided me with a fascinating insight into the wild and wacky world of medical research. Seeing what this site’s staff has gone through during the weekends has earned my respect. I can appreciate all the long hours, deadlines and the pressure. It’s extremely hard work.

I have retained a strong sense of skepticism on medical research, but have loosened my grip somewhat. Even when the intention is solely motivated by noble reasons, there are so many factors that can affect the findings in a study and their overall veracity.

While I believe the research staff here is honest and ethical, that might not be the case in other facilities. And, even if everybody who works on a staff is honest, they are also human. Inevitably, blood draws are not always taken at the appropriate designated time. A vein goes dry or something unexpected happens, and the precise timing falls apart. Does that really affect the study much? Perhaps not, but so many other little things can be forgotten or overlooked. There is an unbearable amount of pressure on researchers to dot every “i” and cross every “t.” Sooner or later, that pressure will cause mistakes.

Then there are the patients, who are also human and more than capable of dishonesty and unethical behavior. Just five minutes ago I witnessed one diabetic slyly slip a plastic coffee cup full of strawberries to a fellow study mate, who hid it between her waist and her chair. It could not have been coincidence that a nearby medical research employee’s back was turned to them at the time.

The diabetic participants had strawberries as part of their designated breakfast, so I know they are allowed to eat them. However, each patient has a strict diet of certain foods distributed in exact amounts. What harm could a few extra strawberries cause? I don’t know, but I imagine the protocols are in place for a reason.

Of course, what is the alternative? You can’t control every facet of a study, and if you tried to be too strict, who in their right mind would subject themselves to such scientific scrutiny?

In a perfect world, there would be no problems or adverse events to deal with, but that simply can never happen. People do not live in a vacuum.

*************************************

With the minutes crawling by, I can’t help but think of my paternal grandmother, a strict, tough old bird who I often feared. It was not so much because she was mean (although she was); she just seemed to look death in the face daily and slap it silly.

For as long as I can remember (and before I was born) she survived on borrowed time. She was a guinea pig herself, albeit in a much more extreme capacity. After a bout with Valley Fever, one of her heart valves becamed damaged. So, in 1952, she agreed to become one of the original patients of an experimental new valve replacement procedure. Several of the country’s top cardiac doctors were present. It was broadcast on a closed circuit TV show where a hall full of doctors and surgeons witnessed the operation. Historically, it was a huge deal.

My father recalled that none of the other test patients survived more than 13 years after the surgery (about the length of time the doctors expected the replacement valves to last). My grandmother somehow lived for four more decades. She later had problems with a second heart valve in 1983 and had a St. Jude valve replacement at that time. It was supposed to last eight years. She lived for over a dozen.

The woman was a medical marvel herself, and I can’t imagine how long she might have lived if she could benefit from the medical advances of today.

I do not bring her up to dwell on missed opportunities. Instead, I will emphasize the promise. I realize that there is a chance that the heart disease drug I tested may someday go through the other phases and be on the market. It could take a while, but if it gets there, it might mean an extra decade of life for a lot of people who, right now, don’t even have symptoms of heart disease yet (maybe even me!).

That’s pretty amazing when you think about it.

Postscript (Final Monday of Study)

It’s Monday morning and I’m free at last. We spent the morning engaged in our final blood draw, as well as an ECG, vitals, urine sample, and doctor exam. Everybody was happy to sign out, get the check, and go back to their lives.

Jordan informed me that he’ll be calling in 30 days to check up. He will do the same with Vida. We were the only two with adverse events. They’ll probably ask me about headaches; as for Vida, she had mentioned two minor heart flutters that quickly passed. Despite that occurrence, she’s already looking for the next study. She’ll probably have to allow 30 days to elapse before she can sign up for another one.

She asks me if I’ll ever consider doing another one. I have been thinking about that for quite a long time now. The prospects of staying in a medical facility for another weekend seems insane. I guess it depends on the parameters of the study. If I do it again, which I suspect I will, I will be more prepared going into it. I will ask more questions next time, as should anyone else who is considering taking the medical research plunge.

If you want to find out about which clinical trials that you might qualify for, ask your physician or visit www.centerwatch.com. Visitors can use the site to sift through detailed information on more than 41,000 active industry and government-sponsored clinical trials.

If one interests you, my advice is to learn as much as you can about the place hosting the trial, the pharmaceutical company conducting it and the study treatment itself. If you make it to the orientation process, pay close attention and ask any questions that come to mind. Make sure you know what treatments will be used and how, and how long the trial will last. Ask what the main purpose of the trial is, as well as how many participants will be involved and what the risks will be. All of them.

Verify that you will not have to pay for any part of the trial; conversely, make sure you know precisely how much you will be compensated. Find out what will happen if you get harmed during the trial. If you are a special needs patient opting to take part in the study for medical benefit reasons, see if it will be possible for you to remain on the treatment after the trial (provided it has had a positive effect on you). While all of this information should be in the consent form, it’s smart to verbally confirm them with the consenter to help you better understand all the details.

Prior to that, you should consult your physician, even if you are a healthy study candidate. Not only will your doctor have more access to insight on the study and the host site, but he or she is more likely to be knowledgeable on the treatment itself and its potential problems and side effects.

If your doctor approves, you should still remain cautious. If you have any doubts whatsoever — about the host site, the treatment, or anything else — do not participate. There is no financial compensation adequate enough to lure you to take any significant risks. However, if the pay-out money seems really high, then there is probably something that does not add up.

If you are satisfied with everything and sign on the dotted line, be fully aware of the fact that you can nullify the contract at any point. You can stop the study whenever you feel uncomfortable. Also, keep in mind that most clinical trials are structured in a way where you will get paid for the steps you complete.

If you make it all the way, you might experience a feeling akin to the successful completion of boot camp training. Of course, being in a study is a much less harrowing ordeal.

Still, those who finish a clinical trial can take satisfaction in the fact that they have contributed something positive to the world. It does not matter if your study leads to a miraculous cure or a dead-end street. Both successes and failures are required in order to move forward in a trial-and-error system.

Ultimately, participation is the key to success. If nobody is willing to place trust in the medical research industry and take part in clinical trials, then there can be no forward progress. Then there truly would be no hope, and that’s not the kind of world anybody wants to live in.

I Was a Medical Experiment! (Part Three)

2010-08-26T10:01:00.001-07:00

I Was a Medical Experiment! (Part Two)

2010-08-25T12:27:00.001-07:00

First Friday of Study
I was approved, much to my chagrin. Though the study has not officially begun, I’ve already made my first sacrifice. I will miss a concert with my wife tonight. It’s not a big deal, but it reminds me that even people seemingly without lives have plans on just about every weekend.

Anyway, my bags are all packed and I’m ready. At least I think I am. I’ve been prepped quite a bit on what to expect, but I am still anxious. I don’t really know what I’m in for, which reaffirms my decision to document everything because I sure wish I had somebody else’s experience to draw on right now.

*************************************

It’s 7:30 p.m. and the nine participants have been checked in one at a time. There are the usual medical tests — urine sample, blood pressure, pulse — but this time there was a new one. Breathalyzer. Apparently, you blow into a plastic tube for 15 straight seconds and they can read your blood-alcohol level. I feel like I’ll pass out from dizziness. Oh, the irony.

By now, I’ve seen (but not met) all of my co-participants. Steve is not here, which means either: 1) he did not qualify; 2) he will participate in the second or third group of the study in a few weeks; or 3) he was chosen as an alternate, who is on standby status in case an active participant opts to leave or is asked to leave, for whatever reason.

It’s quite a mix of people in terms of race, creed, age and even language. The majority of participants speak Spanish. At least three or four people here already seem to know each other. Perhaps they have participated in other studies together, or know each other in the outside world. Either way, having a friend alongside must make it easier.

The site’s employees checked me for contraband. I learned from “Jordan,” the manager of the study who took my blood pressure and other information, that the reason they don’t allow mouthwash (and other toiletries) is that many contain alcohol in them. Apparently, there are some people who ingest such products in a desperate attempt to get a buzz.

It should be a relatively uneventful night, which will give me time to study our six-page schedule for the next three weekends. It shows when we’ll have meals, snacks, etc., and when we’ll have water restrictions. It also indicates when we will be administered the drug, when we go to bed and wake up, when our vital signs will be checked, blood drawn, etc. These people are nothing if not organized.

First Saturday of Study

I awoke at 6 a.m., my aching back serving as my own personal alarm clock. I can’t say the bunk beds are terribly comfortable, but it could be worse. In fact, I have slept on much worse in many so-called “Four-Star” hotels. Besides, I should count my blessings since I have no roommate. Another set of initials are listed on the door but he never showed, or, possibly, he violated the protocols somehow and was booted.

It isn’t long before I have my vitals checked. In the next 12 hours, my blood will be drawn ten times. After the first draw, I swallow four white pills. Then I learn that some of us will skip breakfast on Saturdays as part of the study. Thus, I’m fasting until lunch. I will not eat for a span of about 15 hours.

The process of recording the information for the study is interesting. Jordan moves from person to person taking temperatures, blood pressures and blood samples in precise intervals. Huge digital clocks (in military time) adorn the walls on each end of the Conduct Room so he can call out the time to an assistant who is recording the information in huge white binders.

By now, I’ve had a chance to absorb some nuances and details pertaining to medical researchers. For starters, they are funny. In the testing room loom three refrigerators of incremental sizes used to store “samples.” The appliances each have an individual name tag. It takes a delightfully strange person to name a refrigerator “Jim” or “Bob.”

I’ve also discovered that this place is conducting a cancer study, which is not so unusual, as well as an adolescent smoking cessation study, which I hope is. They are enrolling kids between the ages of 12 and 16. I don’t know how much they have to smoke daily, or for how long. What I do know is that it must be Hell filling up such a study. I’ve seen three participants in the building and all I can think is: How did they tell their parents? After all, minors need parental consent to partake in a clinical trial. Compounding matters, these kids may earn money by participating, but the check will be written to their parents. They don’t have to see a cent.

The important thing, though, is that they quit, right? Maybe the kids aren’t financially motivated to participate; they just want to avoid lung cancer down the road. Jordan tells me that the study utilizes a pill that will stimulate the effects of smoking, which will ultimately help the kids wean off cigarettes. The treatment has already worked with adults, but the drug company wants to adjust the dosage properly so it will work on teens, as well.

The wonder drug may not work on them at all or even if it does, it will not be administered to everyone. Some will take placebos. Jordan laughs when he tells me that he’s seen placebos work just as effectively as the real deal. “Power of the human mind,” he says as he shrugs.

Jordan strikes me as a decent guy. He did not think much of the medical research study field before he started working in it, but his opinion has slowly shifted back to the other side of the pendulum.

One problem Jordan has is that some pharmaceutical and research companies are more motivated by making dollars than finding cures.

However, Jordan added, most people working in the actual research process do it because they want to help people. People don’t sign up to study urine samples or examine people with horrible diseases that inflict intolerable pain just to make a buck. Well, most don’t anyway.

Jordan is happy at this particular medical research company. It is a rookie startup, full of hope and energy. It’s kind of inspiring to see the people working hard and putting their hearts into it. Many have endured long weeks only to be rewarded with weekend shifts. Most are salaried, so you know they are not killing themselves for overtime or extra pay.

Watching their efforts, my own view of the medical research industry has improved somewhat. Of course, most of the public already has passed damning judgment over research facilities of late. Why? Part of it may be due to the bad news vs. good news factor. Why is a vast majority of TV news programming about murders, rape, the death of children, natural disasters, wars, etc.? It grabs people’s attention, and that’s what they remember. People never forget a tragedy.

Unfortunately, when you look back at the history of the medical research industry, there have been so many tragedies.

I don’t know how many people are familiar with the “Tuskegee Syphilis Study” conducted between 1932 and 1972. However many, it is not enough.

The full name of the research study was the “Tuskegee Study of Untreated Syphilis in the Negro Male.” Its participants included 399 poor black males, most of whom were illiterate sharecroppers in Alabama. They all suffered from syphilis; however, they were never provided with any genuine treatment. For that matter, they were not even informed of the diagnosis.

The researchers told the men they simply had “bad blood” and that, if they volunteered, they would be given free medical treatment, meals and burial insurance in case they died. The researchers, who were clearly rampant racists, collected most of their data during autopsies. They weren’t concerned about curing the participants at all. They wanted to see how the disease spread and killed.

When the study first began, treatment for syphilis was usually more harmful than effective, but that changed years later when penicillin was accepted as an effective way to combat the ailment in 1947. Despite this medical breakthrough, the participants received no penicillin, only the prospect of death. It was often a slow process, too. Before dying, syphilis sufferers could be plagued by tumors, heart disease, paralysis, blindness and insanity.

The nefarious study continued for 40 years until the early 1970s. At that time, an expose story of the inhumane research broke in The Washington Star. The study was considered the longest non-therapeutic experiment on humans in medical history. In all, 28 of the men died directly from syphilis and another 100 died as a result of complications from the disease. Additionally, 40 of the men’s wives were infected with syphilis, and another 19 of their children were born with congenital syphilis.

That one shocking example is probably enough for some to never trust the veracity of medical studies or those who conduct them. Too bad there are so many other prime examples. Another horrifying case that made more mainstream headlines involved the Nazi medical experiments on Jews during World War II. That time, however, the subjects weren’t coerced into volunteering. They didn’t have a choice.

One set of research tests involved placing naked Jewish and Russian prisoners in icy vats where they learned that most prisoners lost consciousness or died when their body temperature dropped to 25 degrees Celsius. Others were placed under sun lamps hot enough to burn skin.

The appalling list goes on and on. Other so-called experiments revolved around: genetics, interrogation and torture, infectious diseases, sterilization, traumatic injuries, and surgery without anesthesia.

While those are extreme, isolated examples, people will never forget them, just like they’ll never forget about Thalidomide, a drug that was widely accepted throughout the world over 50 years ago. It was mostly prescribed to pregnant women in the late 1950s and early 1960s to combat morning sickness and help them sleep. However, there was an unanticipated side effect.

From 1956 to 1962, the drug caused about 10,000 children to be born with severe birth defects. Many were born without limbs; others suffered from phocomelia, a flipper-like appearance of the hands and feet to due improper bone formations.

In response to the unforeseen Thalidomide complications, Congress passed a law in 1962 requiring drugs to be tested for safety during pregnancy before they could ever be approved for sale in the United States.

While the story is a dark passage from medical research history, Thalidomide is a classic example signifying the importance of the Food and Drug Administration. While the drug was being prescribed to women all over the world by 1960, it was not approved for sale in America yet. A company in Cincinnati, OH, sought to change that when they applied for approval in September of that year.

The application was given to a rookie reviewer at the agency, Frances Oldham Kelsey, who had joined the FDA only a month before. In the 1940s, she had conducted an experiment on rabbits for quinine, a synthetic treatment for malaria. The study revealed that pregnant rabbits were unable to metabolize the drug as quickly as adult rabbits, and embryonic rabbits could not metabolize it at all. With that experience in her background, she was concerned that Thalidomide could pose the same problem with pregnant women.

She was right. A drug perfectly suitable for non-pregnant adult patients turned out to be a serious hazard to children, pregnant women and their unborn babies.

Ultimately, Kelsey rejected the application for Thalidomide. In fact, she turned down the drug another five times as the company continued to submit a new request every 60 days as the law allowed. She never budged on her ruling.

These days, the public continues to foster a distrust for drugs on the market. Rofecoxib is the most dramatic recent example. It is better known under its Merck marketing name: Vioxx. It was approved by the FDA in May of 1999 (after undergoing years of research) as a safe and effective drug to treat osteoarthritis, acute pain conditions and dysmenorrhoea (cramps or painful menstruation).

Since then, over 80 million people worldwide have taken it. Suddenly, Merck pulled the rug out and voluntarily withdrew the drug from public consumption in September of 2004. The pharmaceutical company had developed concerns about long dosages leading to an increased risk of strokes and heart attacks. By that time, Merck had made over $2.5 billion in Vioxx sales in the U.S.

What was once a windfall now turned into a potential financial free fall. Within days of recalling Vioxx, Merck’s stock fell more than 37 percent. Since that time, there have been over 10,000 lawsuits filed against Merck, and approximately another 200 class actions by those who have suffered from adverse cardiovascular events ascribed to the usage of the drug.

So far, some juries have sided with the plaintiffs on lawsuits against the company; a few have even issued multiple multi-million dollar judgments. In 2005, in one of the most famous Vioxx cases, Carol Ernst was awarded over $250 million in damages for the death of her husband, Robert, despite the fact that he had a history of heart disease.

The settlement was later reduced substantially due to a Texas law that caps punitive damages, but it is still unclear how much, if any, will be paid out. Merck could eventually appeal the verdict successfully.

Just three months after that, Merck successfully defended itself in a separate case. No matter what happens here on out, Vioxx was a huge public relations disaster for the entire medical research industry. It remains to be seen how much Merck will have to pay in the courtroom, as well as the court of public opinion.

People remember tragedies, but what about the good? Merck, founded in 1891, has been a leader in global research for decades. It’s hard to find a household that does not contain at least one Merck drug in its medicine cabinet. Admittedly, I have Maxalt in mine, which is a wonderful drug that effectively ends migraine headaches. I am quite grateful to them for that.

Incidentally, the pharmaceutical giant does not always charge for the drugs either; they have donated untold millions in free medical treatments over the years. One recent example is the company’s donation of $80 million, or 200 million pills, to help fight a parasitic worm disease affecting millions in Africa, most of which are children.

The company also will inoculate one million women in undeveloped countries by donating doses of its cervical cancer vaccine, Gardasil. Those are just two examples; there are many more. Will any of it contribute to the public trusting Merck again?

Personally, I came into this study with enough grains of salt to fill up a plastic sample cup. There remains a large part of me that wants to cling to the belief that there is much good to be done at a medical research facility, regardless of who is sponsoring the study or what the treatment is for. At the same time, another part of me believes that if you shine enough light on anything good in this world, it will inevitably produce a shadow.

First Sunday of Study

Today should be a cakewalk. On the schedule, there are only two listed blood draws — one in the morning and one late in the evening. That’s a far cry from yesterday.

Among our participants is a young man who is studying to be a nurse. He has a crucial test on Monday morning. He will literally leave this site and go take it. Still, “Ron” (RN -- get it?) could not be happier with the timing of the study. Normally, he says he’d be out roller skating until late Friday and Saturday nights and possibly attending a barbecue on Sunday. His studying time would undoubtedly be infringed upon by enticing options of leisure.

Now, he has tons of time to kill and nothing else to do. He has studied for hours and is quite confident that he will perform better on the Monday test than any he has taken so far.

I also spoke with “Vida,” the only woman in our group. I asked her if it feels strange to be in a study with a bunch of men. “Everyone has been a gentleman so far,” she smiles.

Vida is no stranger to the medical research world. Since 1998, she has participated in numerous trials, usually about a handful a year. While her husband works full-time, she supplements their income.

So far, she has avoided any serious side effects. She does not seem the least bit concerned, but she did mention one that gave her pause: “bleeding in the brain,” she says with raised eyebrows. I laugh and wholeheartedly agree.

The worst problem she has ever endured while taking a clinical study drug was vomiting. It was a listed side effect, and, naturally, it wasn’t the most pleasant experience. It did not deter her from continuing to participate in other studies, however. She participates at many different medical research sites, as well. Her longest “stay-over” was 18 days straight.

Next, I strike up a conversation with a couple, “Roger” and “Minny.” She is here to offer support for her husband, who is taking part in an oncology study. He was diagnosed almost five years ago with prostate cancer. It has since spread to his hip region.

According to Minny, her husband could easily walk faster and further than any of the young guys in the facility... before the chemotherapy anyway. Now he has no energy and moves at an infinitesimal pace.

Roger may feel weak most of the time, but he still smiles a lot. He enjoys ”talking with somebody other than a doctor” for a change.

Minny says they have been allowed to stay at the facility despite it not being an overnight trial. They live very far away, so it would be inconvenient to travel back and forth often. According to them (and to Vida, as well), this is the nicest “small” facility they’ve been to and the facility’s employees are all extremely kind and helpful.

The last study Roger subjected himself to was for a cancer-fighting pill. It didn’t work on him. Now, he’s trying a “liquid medication” study. I am surprised to learn that though Roger’s test drug is only in Phase I, he has already researched and read some promising things about it online. It has met with some success in killing lymphoma already. According to Roger, one woman in the same study for the drug has seen improvement in a large tumor behind her ear. It has shrunk by about 50%.

He will take the medication on a 21-day cycle. He’ll be on it for 14 days, then off for the final week. They will take another MRI so they can track the progress of a particular tumor. He will continue the treatment if it has shrunk at all, or at least, halted in its tracks. If that is not the case, then Roger and Minny may move on to the next trial.

Another participant, the youngest one in the group, knows somebody who knows somebody who works here. “Brad” is constantly playing pool and video games, watching TV, texting on his phone, and asking people at random: “Do you feel any side effects yet?” So far, the consensus has been “none.” That doesn’t seem to comfort him.

If he starts becoming dizzy, he may have a heart attack. He’s quite nervous, unaware that his youth (he is 19) would probably protect him more than the rest of us. That sounds a bit dramatic. I really don’t think there’s any danger. If Vida could do this for a decade without any problems, then why should it be any different for us?

*************************************

Giving blood the first time today was a pain. My stingy right arm absolutely refused to give any up. Undaunted, Jordan faked right, and went to the left arm. Even with a butterfly, he could only draw a small amount. It’s a good thing I’m last in the chain or I’d be holding the process up. Every two minutes the blood must be drawn. If I was first, they would have had to stop trying and move on since everything is done on a precise time frame.

Since I’m last, Jordan tries a third time. The butterfly works on my right arm, finally.

We were served breakfast today: fruit salad and a huge burrito stuffed with eggs, cheese and bacon. For dinner, it’s fried chicken, potato salad, macaroni salad, rolls and butter.

All the major meals we have been served thus far have been catered, which surprises me. I was expecting cafeteria-quality food. Instead, it’s been take-out all the way. This is a new company, so perhaps it hasn’t had time to set up a kitchen staff or find somebody to prepare all their meals for them.

First Monday of Study

After our only blood draw of the day, we eat a breakfast of giant-sized muffins and croissants. Staff members cut off the plastic ID tags wrapped around our wrists. Everybody flashes a big smile in response, as if they just passed a parole hearing.

I spent the morning learning more about the teen smoking study, which I find interesting because it’s so different from all the others. Apparently, there are a lot more than three participants (the only ones I’ve seen) in the study at this facility. The funny thing is, there’d be a lot more if there hadn’t been so many screen fails.

A screen fail is when the research staff discovers a fact about the patient that excludes them from the participation parameters of a clinical study. For my study, a 56-year-old person would be disqualified as the age window is between 18 and 55.

Other restrictions might be that a person is on a medication that is considered unacceptable, or a person could catch the flu at the last minute and be told to come back and screen again when well.

Apparently, the vast majority of screen fails are due to intoxicants. People who swore they never touched a drop of alcohol or drugs in their lives often get sent home when they do not pass the urine and breathalyzer tests — even teen smokers, apparently. Numerous 12 to 16-year-old kids failed because they tested positive for marijuana. One candidate even failed due to cocaine use. The puzzling aspect of it all is that they are told ahead of time that they will be drug screened.

Continued in Part 3...

I Was a Medical Experiment! (Part One)

2010-08-24T20:48:00.001-07:00

Curious about all the details that go on during clinical trials, I decided to be a "guinea pig" in the name of medical science back in 2008. My wife worked at a medical research center at the time and I had no idea what occurred during the drug approval process. Needless to say, I wanted to learn more.

After three long weekends (and 17 days) I learned a lot. Perhaps a little too much. This is what happened. Part One will look at the screening and orientation process.

Three additional parts covering the three consecutive weekends of the trial will follow in separate blog entries. Some of the names have been changed but I kept detailed notes in order to maintain accuracy. All information and research was current in 2008 when this was originally written.

Monday Morning

Today, out of the blue, I agreed to become a medical experiment. Personally, I blame my wife who works at a medical research facility. This company was conducting a study that needed to meet its quota of participants quickly, and I somehow qualified.

This wasn’t the first time I was told I’d make a good research study candidate. A month ago I was informed of a study that paid over $2,000 for healthy men to visit the facility numerous times (over the span of several months, mind you). The researchers would ask questions and poke and prod a little. Meanwhile, the participants would take pills that may or may not be placebos, have their vitals recorded, and, oh yeah, be asked to take an adult magazine or movie from the in-house “Velvet Room” in order to produce a sperm sample in a clear plastic cup during each visit.

I’m not sure of the specific purpose but I imagine the study measured the effects the medication had on sperm production.

Of course, there was another way to look at it: would $2,000 be sufficient compensation for about two dozen self-inflicted orgasms? Hmmm. That’s a no-brainer, except for the fact that it would be a little humiliating to talk to strangers about my ejaculations week in and week out. And, to top it all off, I would be expected to masturbate on demand! That is not exactly a skill I would post on my resume.

From inside sources, I had already heard scary stories about one guy who couldn’t adequately fill up the plastic sample cup and had to go back and try again. Then, there was a case where somebody missed the cup altogether. Talk about a nightmare.

Originally, I strongly considered taking part in that clinical trial. All I could think of was how $2,000 could buy a special custom-made 24-inch iMac with lots of memory, free space, racing stripes and a matching retractable cup holder. Or, I could purchase NBA season tickets. After all, why shouldn’t I treat myself for landing in the cup all those times? Oh, right. The cup. The degradation. The questions. Right, right. That won’t happen in a million years.

The daydreaming abruptly stopped and I went back to my regularly scheduled life until I was told that the site was looking for healthy people to come in for a different study that would involve having a lot of blood drawn, among other things. I’m sure there’s much more to it than that, but my informant didn’t have any details, except that I would have to come in for a screen visit and it pays $1,580.

After daydreaming about a new iPhone, I opted to take the plunge.

Tuesday Morning

It is the anniversary of the terrorists’ attacks on the World Trade Centers and I can’t think of a more ominous day to come in for the screen visit for my first clinical study. The somber mood of the morning has inspired me to reflect on the real impact of being in a medical study.

The way I see it, sooner or later these trials produce medications that actually help people. Nobody has found a cure for cancer, but there are a lot of lifesaving and health-improving medications on the market that had to go through the trial process first. The doctors, the people who performed the studies, and the patients themselves have all contributed to that end. Even the people who took placebos or participated in a study that ultimately yielded unsuccessful results have all helped the process plod along in a positive direction.

I think it was Thomas Edison who said: “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.

The goal of clinical trials is to determine if a treatment works and is ultimately safe. Thus, clinical trials often have to find out how things don’t work before they can figure out what will.

There are various phases in clinical trials, each one is a stepping stone that brings researchers closer to placing a new drug on the market.

After surfing online, I’ve learned some background information. According to Wikipedia, Phase I research is the first step in testing on actual humans. At this point in the process, researchers study how the body reacts to a treatment, how much can be given safely, the best way to administer the treatment, if there are any potential harmful effects, etc.

Before Phase I, most studies have been performed on animals or human cells. Since it is the first time the treatment is being used on humans subjects, there is a significant deal of risk involved. However, to cut down on the possibility of harm, researchers start with smaller, more conservative doses which will likely increase if there are no (or minimal) side effects or other complications.

Because risk is ever-present, participants in Phase I studies are limited in number (typically between 20 and 80 volunteers). They often test on healthy subjects because of the potential for problems, but a few Phase I studies focus on drugs for “special needs” patients — those inflicted with an end-stage disease without other treatment options, for example.

Many times, the studies last for several months. Those that survive (I’m talking about the drugs, not the participants) move on to Phase II.

Phase II is about refining the drugs now that they are considered safe. During this stage, researchers test whether the treatment works the way it is intended. The scope of such trials expands to a larger core of people, perhaps between 100 and 300.

In addition to obtaining more preliminary data on the efficacy of the treatment, these studies closely monitor short-term side effects and risks associated with it. Naturally, the clinical trials are controlled and monitored closely as there is still so much to learn about the drug.

It can be a frustrating process, too. Only about a third of all experimental drugs successfully complete both Phase I and Phase II research.

When a drug manages to make it to Phase III, it has shown promise in the previous phases. There is hope. There is potential. At this point, there is a 70 to 90% chance of success.

In order to make sure the results are not susceptible to conscious or subconscious biases (after all, the medications are close to being considered wonder drugs by now), there must be randomization and “blind” trials. Incidentally, this can also be the case in previous phases.

A typical “double blind” study (which tends to yield the most accurate results) is when patients are given a “new treatment” and an “old treatment” arbitrarily. Some will try the study drug; others will receive the current standard treatment at the time. Both the researchers and the patients will be oblivious to which one is which. This way, researchers might not see the results with rose-colored glasses, and patients can’t try to coerce or plead with the researcher for the new treatment since nobody has any idea which treatment is being tested. This keeps the process fair.

Phase III studies are the most expensive and time-consuming. They can take several years and might have patients numbering in the thousands. Grand scale trials make it easier to see how the experimental drug affects everybody with the condition. No two patients are exactly the same, so it benefits the study to have a variety of people to examine in order to see the full spectrum of possible results.

When a drug beats the odds and shows favorable findings at the conclusion of Phase III, it is often time to hit the campaign trail. If a researcher feels there is significant medical importance in his data, he or she may try to get the results published. Those findings will undergo a peer review by other medical experts.

If there is a positive consensus on the drug’s capabilities, then it is time to submit an application to the industry’s Godfather — the Food and Drug Administration. It is up to the discretion of the FDA whether or not an experimental treatment can be considered acceptable to the general public. The FDA can approve or deny the application, or it may rule that further studies are merited and order the drug to go through a Phase IV study — perhaps it needs to be tested for interaction with other drugs, for example. It’s an important decision, and, yet, time is always of essence.

Let’s say Exhibit A is a drug designed to treat patients with metastatic or unresectable soft tissue sarcoma. As a drug used in chemotherapy, it could potentially stop the growth of tumor cells by killing them or preventing them from dividing.

You can damn well bet that cancer patients with metastatic sarcoma in their lungs want Exhibit A approved now so their next chemotherapy treatment could halt death in its tracks. You can also damn well bet that no doctors want to give Exhibit A to their patients if it can likely do more damage than good. They want to be sure it won’t make things worse.

It’s not an easy decision, especially with the clock ticking. For this reason, the FDA grants top priority to drugs that have the potential to treat a life-threatening condition. Regardless, the agency tries to rule on every new drug applicant in less than six months.

To the government, that’s rushing things as fast as they dare. For those suffering, that is an eternity.

With that in mind, I feel quite silly for being enticed by $1,580.

*************************************

This morning, I took part in my screening orientation with another potential participant I will name “Steve.” This will be a Phase I open label clinical trial, which means there are no placebos.

The drug they are evaluating is a slightly modified version of one that is already on the market. It treats people with cardiovascular diseases. The drug company sponsoring the study hopes to escalate its effectiveness.

I have been informed there is nothing to worry about with the new version. Over 350 patients have been tested with 1,500 mg of the drug with no visible side effects. Whew.

Then I am informed that, nonetheless, there are still potential side effects: diarrhea, nausea, sleeplessness, shortness of breath, vertigo, constipation, etc.

In a few rare instances, there is a potential for more severe side effects: heart attack(!!!), kidney stones, bleeding in the brain— say what?

I stopped hearing everything after that phrase. What is that? I mean, I know what it is. It’s probably exactly what it sounds like, but shouldn’t something like that only be caused by a blunt object being slammed repeatedly against your skull? What the Hell is in this pill? Dynamite?

I decide to start listening again.

Those who participate in this study must meet a few requirements. While subjects can be of either gender, they must be between 18 and 55 years old and have a BMI (Body Mass Index) and blood pressure that fall within certain parameters.

Smoking is not allowed during the duration of the study, as well as two weeks prior. Additionally, candidates must not have abused alcohol or drugs in the past 12 months. Those who have donated blood within eight weeks are also marked as DNQ (Did Not Qualify).

One interesting restriction is that the study will not accept anybody who has been in a clinical research trial in the past 30 days. This sparks my curiosity. Are there really clinical trial junkies? I’m not talking about the unhealthy people who truly need hope. I wonder if there are healthy people out there who purposely play the role of guinea pigs over and over again.

For now, I’ll just try to get through one study. In addition to this initial screening visit, which takes about two and a half hours, I will be required to come in during the next three weekends. By that, I mean arrive at the testing facility at Friday at 6 p.m. and remain there until about 8 or 9 a.m. on the ensuing Monday morning.

That’s over 180 hours of my life (more than I worked in all of last month) spent in a medical testing facility. That seems a bit insane.

At any rate, this particular site is 21,000 sq. ft. with about 80 beds in its dorm-like accommodations. The quarters are cramped and the beds are small with hard mattresses (I have chronic back pain, unfortunately). In each room, there are three bunk beds and absolutely no open or wasted space.

By the way, each of us will be rooming with somebody of the same gender. Steve seemed relieved of this fact. His wife would have a “big... really big” problem if he had to share a room with a female participant.

The reason the facility has so many beds, and why we have to stay for three consecutive weekends, is that the researchers need to monitor us closely and make sure we adhere to our various restrictions and schedules. That makes sense, sure, but it does not sound like my idea of a good time.

During our luxurious stay, we will be popping pills. Some will be the old medication. Some will be a new version of it. Sometimes, we may take both. They want to see how our bodies absorb and metabolize the medication. While in the facility, our diet will be completely controlled.

They will tell us what we can or cannot drink and they will provide meals of their own choosing. There will also be times when we are are not allowed to have water for a limited amount of time.

When we check in each Friday evening, we will have to obey several rules. For 48 hours prior to our arrival, we are not supposed to consume any alcohol or caffeine, and we are not allowed to take any medications during the entire period of the study. So, if my back acts up or I get a headache from caffeine withdrawal, I’m out of luck.

Actually, that is not entirely true. I can take medicine but then I have to report it. It could amount to a study deviation (which must be noted in the study), or worse, a protocol violation (which means I might even be removed from the study).

One thing I find amusing is that when we check in, we’ll only be allowed to take certain belongings. The following is a partial list of contraband items: no food (including candy, gum, tic-tacs, mints, etc.); no medications; no water bottles, cups or jugs (empty or full); no weapons of any kind; no musical instruments; and no large sums of money.

I can understand that they’ll check us for medications, food and candy (apparently, tic-tac is not a candy, gum or mint, but instead, deserving of its own categorical mention), but the “no weapons” clause baffles me. I totally support this localized weapons ban, but I wonder what happened that lead to this rule’s creation.

I’m also amused that we cannot have large sums of money. Are they worried about patients bribing employees for candy or beer? Perhaps they fear copious amounts of cash will lead to theft, gambling or other ill-advised ventures.

I suppose if you put a group of strangers together in close quarters for two-and-a-half straight days, there is bound to be some kind of bloodshed or political struggle. Hopefully, these rules will prevent that.

As another aside, we are also not allowed to bring in any hygiene products. They will be provided for us. I know there must be a good reason for this, but I cannot fathom why.

Fortunately, there are many things you can bring in with you, such as a laptop (they even have wireless Internet), an mp3 player, books, magazines, puzzles, our own pillows and blankets, and cell phones (provided they do not have recording capability). This is to prevent industrial espionage, I assume.

When it comes to occupying ourselves, most of the patients will rely on the recreation room, a.k.a. the Day Room. I have a feeling it will provide salvation for us on the long weekends.

The Day Room is a very large open room built with one purpose in mind: entertainment. It boasts a pool table, a huge widescreen TV with tons of comfortable-looking recliners and chairs set up in movie theater formation, and, for good measure, there’s another huge widescreen TV on the opposite end of the giant room. Those who do not want to watch cable TV or DVDs can take advantage of an arcade-style video game near one corner, or browse through a shelf full of books, games and puzzles that covers up almost an entire wall.

Of course, all this talk about what I will be able to do on the weekends is jumping the gun. I have to be approved and admitted in the study first. So far, I’ve just signed papers — a lot, in fact. We shuffled through 15 pages of small print legal copy and filled out another 13 pages of medical history.

Every aspect of the study is explained to us in full, then they review our medical histories. Steve and I do not have any questions at this point, so we are lead to the Conduct Room for testing.

Maybe “room” isn’t the best name for it. It’s the size of about four or five rooms. There are several hospital-type beds along one wall, stations for drawing blood, and numerous other machines designed to measure and record all the vital numbers in the human equation.

A man in black scrubs tries to determine if we have the right stuff to proceed. He jots down my weight (which looks much better when read in kilograms as opposed to pounds) and measures my height. He also takes my temperature and blood pressure.

Next, I must provide a urine sample. Ah, the fun has truly begun.

Given, a urine sample is much less intimidating than some other types of samples, but there’s something intrinsically odd about being handed a cup and pointed to the bathroom. I feel like a major league baseball player.

I notice that the patient number on the cup is 13. Another ominous omen? Now, I’m just freaking myself out.

After Steve finishes, I step up to the porcelain plate. The directions on the wall tell me: “Clean head of penis” with a sterile wet nap before I collect the sample. I am also to make sure I do not contaminate the sample cup by allowing my fingers to touch the inside of it. Oh sure, the inside of the container is good enough for urine, but not my fingers. That ends up being the strangest part of the day. The second strangest part directly follows. It’s time for the ECG (electrocardiogram). The only reason this step is so weird is because the black-scrubbed gentleman has to shave parts of my chest. It’s a little embarrassing, but I am wise enough to be grateful.

Visions of Steve Carell in The 40-Year-Old Virgin screaming incomprehensible obscenities roll around in my head. When the employee rips the various little circles from my legs, chest and stomach, I don’t feel a thing.

After that, Steve and I head to the lab station so they can draw samples. Steve has veins that pop out everywhere like bright neon billboards saying “Open All Night.” My veins, as usual, stay hidden under an unlit “No Vacancy” sign. They require encouragement. Still, the whole process ends up being over in a few minutes and virtually painless.

By now, Steve and I have bonded a little by going through this surreal scenario together. He tells me he is doing this for the money. He’s a home remodeler who has had difficulty finding work in an economy where nobody can afford to buy or fix up houses.

Compounding matters for him and his family (including three children), his wife is a realtor who had to put her license away and become a stay-at-home mom. For now, it’s cheaper for her to stay home than to try to sell houses.

Steve is undergoing this ordeal in order to “supplement” his income. When he says supplement, though, I get the feeling it might be more than that. He smiles uneasily. I can tell he’s going through an immensely difficult time. He’s doing whatever he can to help his family.

I, on the other hand, am a shallow, Hell-bound person, certainly. Sure, I have had my own share of financial stress of late, but I was enticed by the prospect of iPods and floor seats.

Now, I look at Steve and feel very foolish. And lucky.

After finishing the various tests, Steve and I are lead to separate exam rooms. This is the last I will see of him unless we both make the study. I won’t know until Friday, but I really hope he does. He’s an interesting guy with a good sense of humor. He was able to instantly transform the initials on the various sample cups in the Conduct Room into celebrity names. Usually, it is a rock star. (EVH = Eddie Van Halen. SRV = Stevie Ray Vaughan.)

After a short wait, a doctor the size of a Chicago Bears’ defensive lineman comes in to ask me a few questions and scrutinize me. The man could be intimidating without even trying, but as soon as he opens his mouth I realize he’s probably the nicest doctor I’ve ever visited. Why aren’t there more doctors like this in the world?

The exam is quick and easy. He listens to my heart, checks my ears and throat and pushes on my liver and stomach to see if I feel any pain. That’s it. I am done. My first visit is over. I will find out in two days if I should pack a bag and be ready to come in on Friday night.

Continued in Part Two...

Instructions Following My Death

2010-04-30T12:37:00.004-07:00

Someday, I will probably die.

I have given this matter a lot of thought and it has occurred to me that Death will most likely be immune to my charms. As much as I’d like to believe that I am the one person on earth that will be spared of this universal punchline, in reality there is probably only a 40 or 50% chance of that happening.

It has also occurred to me that one or two people might actually miss me and be a little sad when that final day comes for me. Oh, I suppose I am being modest.

I am sure my death will affect four or five (million? billion?) people at the least.

In fact, I think I’m not out of line to believe that when I’m gone the world will certainly split apart and sink into eternal oblivion.

I know, I know. I sound a little self-centered here, but really, I only am concerned about everybody else.

So, I decided I will leave behind some brief instructions to be followed by everybody in the event that I die. All I ask is that everyone who is still alive to follow them.

Thank you.

*******************************************************

When I Die

When I die (and I suppose I will die),
I ask only that the entire world cry
Blue masses of tears from earth to sky,
An endless stream of incalculable size
Trickling from every face, every eye.
Yes, I believe that would suffice.

When I die (painlessly and gloriously)
I want every newspaper front page to decree:
“Turn off the clocks and remain forever in bed,
Why bother living in the world if such a man is dead?”
I would also ask the sun to permanently set,
A world trapped in darkness will never forget.

When I die and turn my life’s final page,
I want Congress to ban the alcohol drinking age,
Because how else will the little ones cope
When they lose their greatest source of hope?
Let little Joe and Jane raise a glass and shout:
“We’ll miss you, my friend” before they pass out.

When I die, and I suppose I have now, haven’t I?
I want lifelong atheists to embrace the church,
The most devoted Christians to question God’s worth,
I want black to become white and white to become plaid,
Because when I’m gone nothing will make sense
Or even rhyme, dammit.

Oh, and one last thing
When I shuffle off this mortal spring...
Please chisel on my solid gold headstone:
“Here Lies a Man, Awesome to the Bone
Whose Departure Made Us All Feel Alone.
Now, Stop Reading This and Go the #^@! Home!”

Chris Pollay, 2008

The Boogeyman Lives! (Part Two)

2010-04-30T12:37:00.003-07:00

The Boogeyman is like the symbolic equivalent to Santa Claus for the first eleven months of the year. In December, kids better “be good for goodness sake” because Santa is an ill-tempered bastard who is not afraid to withhold toys from kids if they piss him off.

I mean, really, why does HE get to decide if kids are good or bad? One bad day could mean coal in your stocking (a veiled threat to burn down your house if I ever did hear one).

Parents use Santa to keep their kids in line late in the year. It’s kind of distressing, actually, but The Boogeyman is much, much worse.

After all, the nightmarish creature is a living, breathing manifestation of every child’s worst fears that will come and get them if they misbehave... and it can find anyone at anytime and at anywhere!

Is it me, or does it seem a little bit dramatic to tell your kids to brush their teeth and be asleep within an hour or The Boogeyman will pay them a visit? Of course, knowing such a creature existed was enough to keep me from ever falling asleep between the ages of six and twelve.

Talk about a sinister concept. What are you afraid of? Well, for me, my younger self was terrified of centipedes and spiders (especially giant man-sized ones), the Grim Reaper, ghosts and demons.

I never did actually meet The Boogeyman (who is such a bad-ass that I even capitalize the “The” before his name) but I knew exactly what he looked like: He was about 14 feet tall, with giant centipede arms, skeleton legs, demonic eyes, one thousand razor-sharp teeth, a vacuous smile, spidery-legged wings and he dressed in an ebony cloak that sucked all the light of existence into its blood-soaked embrace.

I slept with the closet doors open (to see That Bastard coming) and all my comics books stuffed under my bed, so that this fiend from Hell could not fit under there while I sat up, ever on guard.

And the kicker? I was basically a good kid (well, until I hit puberty anyway). I didn’t think I deserved to be visited by The Boogeyman, but my brothers were such pains-in-the-ass that I was sure he’d come for them and slither into my room by mistake.

Of course, I take some comfort in knowing that I was not the only sleep-deprived child to suffer permanent psychoses due to this creature of ultimate evil. The Bastard has been around for hundreds of years.

The history itself is muddled enough where it’s hard to say the actual origin of the concept. However, it is likely related to pirates.

Some etymologists trace the word “Boogey” back to the 17th Century when England lost hundreds of merchant ships to Barbary pirates who liked to kill, torture and enslave their victims. Near the coasts of Devon and Cornwall was the port of Boujaya, or Bougie in French. Most sailors were afraid The Bougie men would get them. And, they were right, apparently.

Also during my intrepid studies, I was quite surprised to discover that somebody recently introduced visual evidence of the so-called mythological Boogeyman to prove its actual existence.

I always assumed such a creature could not be photographed since its reflection would change depending on who was viewing it, but clearly that is not the case.

While The Boogeyman might change some of its minor surface details to reciprocate the fear of its victims, there is, apparently, one underlying concept of terror that applies to every single being in the entire universe.

In other words, there is something so dreadful that it could be considered the physical incarnation of ultimate evil and fear throughout all of existence. Don’t believe me? Just look at the picture below.

The Boogeyman Lives! (Part One)

2010-04-30T12:37:00.002-07:00

Lately, I’ve been thinking about what scares me.
I mean, REALLY scares me.

I have had my share of recurring nightmares. A frequent one features impossibly fast flying snakes that dart toward me from all sides and angles until I ward them off armed only with a garden hoe.

It’s odd, to be sure. I’m not normally afraid of snakes. I won’t pick one up, mind you, but they move along slowly enough on the ground where I feel it does not take much more than brisk walking speed to avoid them.

Hence why my subconscious mind gives them the ability to fly. As for the garden hoe... why I use that a weapon is a mystery to me. Combine that with a phallic symbol like the snake and I’m sure you could have a Freudian field day.

Regardless, I am not particularly adept with garden tools, and yet in these dreams I can catch striking snakes with the handle’s edge and fling them off into the distance in one radically fluid ninja-like motion. But, like robocalls near election day, they keep on coming back.

I’ve had the dream enough where it doesn’t even scare me anymore. In fact, what DOES scare me seems to be almost nothing because, let’s face it, life is terrifying enough on its own.

I suppose ghosts are a scary idea because they represent the part of us that do not want to be forgotten after we die.

What about werewolves? Vampires? Zombies? I think they are too amusing as concepts to be truly scary.

Let’s break them down for the metaphors they are, shall we? Werewolves are normal people who turn into crazy, murderous beasts once a month. Given, such beasts could be male (and not just female -- hint, hint), but it does seem a bit silly and insulting to women.

Vampires are usually more sexual than terrifying. There is just nothing inherently creepy about fashionable individuals who wear goth clothing (including capes and leather boots) and give their victims hickeys.

That just leaves zombies, who generally walk slow (having atrophy and mangled limbs holding them back) and are completely mindless. Oooh. Scary! The only way they can get you is through sheer volume. And, what do they do when they get you? They eat your brains.

The concept itself is kind of dumb: mindless creatures stagger around aimlessly as they try to rid the living of their brains. There is another name for this phenomenon: Republicans. (Oh, OK... fine. If you prefer, substitute that last word for “Democrats” or “telemarketers” or “Cleveland Browns fans” -- but you get the idea.)

The truth is I have always viewed my own fear like irony: I can’t necessary define what it is, but I’ll know it when I see it. This might explain why I love the concept of The Boogeyman so much. It’s the ultimate embodiment of whatever scares the Hell out of you. What an absolutely wonderful idea.

I felt much differently about it, however, when I was younger.

To Be Continued Tomorrow...

Reel Quiz #10

2010-04-30T12:37:00.001-07:00

Making People Squirm, or People Making Sperm

2010-04-30T12:36:00.001-07:00

I have an acquaintance whom I'd like to keep anonymous, so I will simply refer to her as Lily Happyhappyhappygoat.

Ms. Happyhappyhappygoat works for a medical research facility that conducts clinical research trials.

I won’t tell you the name of the company she works for, but it is a better facility than some of the previous places she has worked at in the same field. In fact, I could tell you horror stories that would scare you into giving up prescription drugs altogether. Perhaps another time.

Lily Happyhappyhappygoat's company regularly conducts many studies on “healthy” individuals, because it’s logical to first test new drugs on stronger people in case there are unforeseen side effects or complications.

A healthy person might experience discomfort from a test drug, but an unhealthy person might experience death. That is why Phase I studies are rarely tested on 90-year-old people afflicted with various devastating diseases.

Not all studies are trying to cure cancer, stem the tide of Multiple Sclerosis, or ward off dementia in Alzheimer’s patients. Some are for vitamins. Some are to help people stop smoking. Still others are designed to measure how a medication might affect sperm production in men (something we all should be vastly concerned with since the population of Earth is estimated to only be 6.8 billion or so as of July 1, 2009).

Oh, did I mention that the participants are paid to be part of a study? Imagine getting paid to masturbate. We live in a truly wacky (no pun intended) and wonderful world.

Incidentally, Lily invited me to one such study a while back. It’s not that she felt I was extremely talented in sperm production, or, at least, I don’t think so.

I had to say “no” to the study. I strictly adhered to my own “no sperm” policy that forbids me to ejaculate at any acquaintance’s place of employment. Call me old-fashioned, but I just don’t want her co-workers (whom I also know) saying “Hey man, what’s up?” as I walk by with a plastic sample cup in my hand.

Talk about a loaded question.

That kind of thing (i.e. people making sperm) is known to make people squirm, which brings me to the “Velvet Room” at Lily’s work.

They actually have a room designated for these trials where participants go in to produce sperm samples. The Velvet Room is the nickname the facility’s staff have given it. (Ha, ha, medical researchers crack me up!)

Inside that room is a comfy chair in the middle with a long roll of paper covering it (like the kind you would find at a dental or doctor’s office). Thus, you can rip off an old layer and pull down a new one. That isn’t even remotely the craziest thing in the room.

The craziest thing is that there is a small fold-up chair placed adjacent to the comfy one. (There are also porno movies and magazines strewn throughout, as well, which can be pretty damn crazy in their own right, especially if titles like Dude, Where’s My Dildo? offend you).

I was once told that the fold-up chair is for the participant’s spouse or significant other. Apparently, they can provide moral support (and even take their clothes off), but they cannot directly lend a hand, so to speak.

How weird is that? Not enough, apparently, because I have heard various sperm-related horror stories that have occurred during the study.

It would seem that some of the sperm study participants have taken as little as two minutes to produce a sample (which, to me, is quite terrifying considering the cold, antiseptic atmosphere of the room). Conversely, one man was in the Velvet Room for 90 minutes and came out dry. Stage fright, apparently.

At times, participants “miss the cup.” The employees generally do not enjoy that. I wonder if they draw straws to see who gets to deal with the cleanup.

I think the worst horror story I overheard, however, was the one involving a man who said his mother had called him on his cell phone when he was trying to produce a sample. That killed his mood for over a half hour.

So, the lesson learned from this is quite simple: sometimes, we must endure great pains in order to make great progress. Oh, and also: you should always leave your cell phone in the other room when you masturbate in a plastic cup in the name of science.

Humans Have Expiration Dates; She-Scorpions Do Not

2010-04-30T12:36:00.000-07:00

A lot of bloggers resort to making list of cool web sites in their entries because, frankly, they’ve run out of things to write about.

Just so you know, I’m not doing that now. I don’t believe in cultivating cliches. However, I have found there are some useful sites that you should visit once in a while in order to learn more about this science-experiment-gone-wrong planet and its irreparably insane inhabitants.

For example, if you are like me, then you are curious to know when you are going to die so you can be sure to be wearing clean underwear and keep a tattered copy of Hamlet in your back pocket for deceptive appearances.

Surprisingly, there are a number of web sites where you can punch in numbers, answer a set of questions and then they cheerfully tell you when you will likely shuffle off your mortal coil.

Some are more detailed than others. For example, www.deathclock.com only asks you to enter seven bits of information. Upon entering mine, I discovered that I could expect another 1,147,756,332 seconds of life, which if my calculations are correct, means I’ll die at 73.

Unless, of course, I believe www.gotoquiz.com which has a special “When Will I Die” section that asks about 20 questions. That site informs me that I’ve lived 47% of my life and I should expire in 2049 at the age of 78. Clearly, there is some margin of error in these “foolproof” tests.

According to www.deathtimer.com I will be dead as a doornail on Sept. 19, 2045. Dear God, really? That will put me at 74. Sept. 19 strikes me as odd detail. How the Hell do they know that from asking only a few questions? Do humans expire as reliably as cartons of milk?

At www.day4death.com I am told I will die on April 21, 2061 at the age of 89. It also tells me I have a 38% chance of dying from heart disease and a 43% of it happening in a nursing home. Now, see, that’s just TOO specific. I want there to be some surprise as to how it happens, even if I have a good idea when it will happen.

I’m still rooting for “hit by a bus” because you know that kind of thing will make headlines.

Anyway, there are numerous other such sites if you simply go to Google and type in “When Will I Die?” You should try them. I find it refreshing to know that I will live to be 73, or 78, or 74, or 89. Apparently death is a multiple choice option.

I suppose I have plenty of time left, though, so I don’t need to decide which one is accurate just yet. But, then again, it's quite possible I'll be immortal and live forever. At least, that's what part of me believes.

I remember one time when I was ten, one of my best friends dared me to drink an entire pitcher of Grape Kool-Aid in less than two minutes. At the time, I was quite the Kool-Aid-making novice so I put about three dozen scoops of the sweet, silky bluish-purple powder in the container before adding the tap water.

Unfortunately for me, there was too much powder to adequately dissolve in the water, so I rapidly ingested numerous sandy chunks as I choked down each gulp. Not only was the experience very psychologically disturbing, it was also nearly lethal.

I barely managed to drink it all before my time was up. Then, I stumbled out of the room and collapsed on the floor in the living room.

Things got fuzzy at that point. I believe I rode on a beam of multi-colored light, zipping through the cold, endless darkness of space until I landed on a distant planet populated by a race of six-foot tall furry she-scorpions. They informed me that I was Pincherus, their ruling god whose likeness was countenanced in the constellation that currently covered their homeland's western hemisphere.

After they performed the terrifying Dance of the Divine Stinger, they told me they looked forward to my return visit in the Earth year 3033, just in time for the Great Final Poison Harvest Ceremony.

I was subsequently beamed back to Earth just in time to stop my friend from calling for help.

I relayed to him my story. He told me he was pretty sure that Kool-Aid was worse than crack.

Perhaps, but I'm betting that I'll be around for at least another millennium. After all, the she-scorpions were certain of it.

Reel Quiz #9

2010-04-30T12:35:00.000-07:00

The Meaning of Life: Submarines and Subtext

2010-02-05T10:42:00.003-07:00

So, what exactly is the meaning of life?

When I was considerably less ancient, I relentlessly searched for the answer to that grand question in the pages of the world's most highly revered books (i.e. The Bible, The Tao Te Ching, The Kama Sutra, and even The Yellow Pages). None of them helped, however, because I realize now that you cannot discover the meaning of life in such places.

Instead, you need to delve deeply into the lyrics of rock songs — especially the songs of The Beatles. More especially (is that a phrase?), you should reference the songs written by Ringo Starr, who most people would agree is the smartest man ever to wield a mustache (a list, by the way, which includes Albert Einstein and Tom Selleck).

Perhaps Ringo's most controversial and challenging song is the cleidoic Yellow Submarine.

I shall perform a brief lyrical autopsy upon its key passages:

So we sailed up to the sun
Till we found the sea of green
And we lived beneath the waves
In our Yellow Submarine

Many critics have scoffed at this imagery, vehemently claiming that Ringo is evidently the victim of the world’s worst GPS device as he recounts a whimsical, but nonsensical journey. It appears uncertain whether the narrator is underwater in a green sea beneath the waves, close to the sun, or both places, seemingly impossibly.

Other critics have alluded to this passage as direct proof of Starr’s penchant for copiously ingesting LSD and other psychedelic drugs during the sobriety-deprived 1960s.

Poppycock. Could such a man -- under the influence of hallucinogens -- have grown and trimmed such an aesthetically-pleasing mustache? Could such a man -- and his alleged perpetually drug-addled brain -- deconstruct so many complicated concepts in such a clear, concise and catchy manner? Not bloody likely.

Those simpletons who attack Ringo are ignoring the subtext within the songwriter's existential exploration. It seems obvious to even an infant with no concept of space or time that Ringo is alluding to a state of existence that is omnipresent... in the sun, in the green sea, under the waves, and yes, in the Yellow Submarine, which a blatant metaphor for the purity of light that physically encompasses every soul in the universe.

Indeed, the axiom “We all live in a Yellow Submarine” removes all doubt that every being in existence is eternally inside the parameters of an infinitely-massive vessel capable of submerging through all of space and time, whether we actually see the Yellow Submarine or even acknowledge its presence.

Later in the song, Ringo writes:

And our friends are all on board
Many more of them live next door
And the band begins to play

Notice how he states "our friends are ALL on board" and then proceeds to write that more of them live next door, as well. How can all live on board and yet more also live next door? Indeed, such an event is impossible, at least within the parameters of linear time, which, unfortunately, is how man generally perceives it.

However, time is subject to all points of view in the universe where each individual observer examines it from – as well as when each observer examines it be it the past, present or future. Thus, one observer's interpretation is only a singular diluted fractal detail that helps comprise the shape of Time Entirety, which of course, is alluded to as the music that the band plays on and on.

Thus, we all listen to the symphony of time as we ride in the Yellow Submarine, even if it appears that we are only neighbors to the Grand Vessel. After all, humanity is consistently constricted by its own cognitive failings.

Incidentally, this notion is also nascent in Nowhere Man during the following stanza:

Doesn't have a point of view
Knows not where he's going to
Isn't he a bit like you and me?

This song is believed to be written by the late, great John Lennon, but I believe this was a case where John (as he so often did) consulted Ringo for help with composing lyrics. Ringo's influence is as obvious as it is epiphanous.

Here, the Divine Drummer proliferates the precept that everybody is inherently a nobody who, in the confines of his or her own navigational confusion, is ultimately nowhere to be found.

What does that mean? What indeed, Ringo, what indeed.

The meaning is simple: Everybody is a nobody in their own unique way, and, subsequently, even nobodies can be embodied in the concept that is everybody.

Thus, it also stands to reason that nowhere can indeed be found everywhere, especially in a Yellow Submarine.

Critics of Starr’s seminal philosophical works counter this theorem saying that the opposite is sublimely true, that there is no Yellow Submarine, only the empty meaningless pockets of cold space comprised of random matter particles completely devoid of purpose.

However, Ringo had previously covered this ground himself by noting that if such a truth was exposed, it would mean that we all live outside the Yellow Submarine’s hull, which is merely the aforementioned pocket of nothingness where, of course, only nothing can exist. Ringo brilliantly referred to this plane of non-existence as the shade in the Octopus’s Garden.

However, Ringo also realized that it is a paradox for one to exist in a plane of non-existence, even if we desire it so. And, of course, Ringo desired it so:

I'd like to be
Under the sea
In an Octopus's Garden
In the Shade.

Therefore, Ringo surmised that the meaning of life for us is to faithfully accept our roles as meandering passengers on that almighty celestial submarine. Unfortunately, Ringo secretly longed to leave the vessel and merge with the shade of nothingness that denotes a purposeless existence. So, as you can see, not only is Ringo the most profound mustachioed man to have ever lived, he is also one of the saddest.

Frank's Footsteps... One Step at a Time

2009-09-06T12:13:00.019-07:00

Reprinted from Frank's Footsteps newsletter,

Volume 2, Issue (December 2008)

The U.S. economy may be struggling, but that didn’t seem to slow down the donations made by family, friends and co-workers of Frank’s Footsteps for the 2008 Phoenix Multiple Sclerosis Walk.

In fact, the combined total of all of their generous donations made it a record year for the group, which brought in $3,334 for the National MS Society, making them the 17th top fundraising team for the event.

For the MS Walk in Phoenix, over 280 teams signed up to take part in the event. Some teams were comprised of only one member while seven others had 50 or more teammates. The biggest team had 188 walkers altogether.

Donations received by Frank’s Footsteps have now reached over $9,000 for its three-year existence as an official team.

The fourteen members of the 2008 team included: Andrew Aranda; Emily, Jason and Captain Susan Dawson; Debbie and Derek Frederick; Andrea and Krystal Morris; Barbara and Chris Pollay; Brenda, Ethan and Mario Remo; and Mark Renteria.

Many of the group’s members have participated for a dozen years in the MS Walk, ever since loved one Frank Tocko was originally diagnosed with the chronic disease that now affects over 2.5 million people worldwide.

The event, which began at 8 a.m. on Saturday, November 8, in Phoenix, was well-attended. In all, more than 4,000 walkers helped raised over $400,000.

The number of total walkers for the event came out to about half the number of individuals afflicted with MS in the state.

Overall, the money raised was approximately $60,000 less than the previous walk in 2007, but considering the current state of the economy, the numbers are still impressive.

With another MS Walk completed, the individual members of Frank’s Footsteps wished to offer heartfelt thanks to everybody who generously provided donations, especially since many have been giving money to the cause for well over a decade now.

The team is named after Frank Tocko, father of four of the teammates and grandfather to five more. He was originally diagnosed over a dozen years ago.

Since then, it has been an uphill battle as he fights the chronic disabling disease that attacks the central nervous system, which is made up of the brain, spinal cord, and optic nerves.

For more information on Frank's Footsteps, or to make a financial contribution to the team, please visit here.

Reel Quiz #8

2009-08-24T07:48:00.000-07:00

Classic Controversial Campaigns From PETA

2009-08-21T07:41:00.024-07:00

(Part Two)

Yesterday, I blogged about how I was in utter awe of PETA. It's true. They are the largest animal rights organization in the world (with over two million members) and they are by far the most vocal and unforgettable.

I confess that I often can’t wait to see what they’ll come up with next. Their ads are always quite creative and interesting, but they too often cross the line.

Most of PETA’s ads are offensive or sexist, or both. Even though I understand the political undertone of their messages, I shake my head in disbelief because some of them are just plain virulent. It’s like trying to get someone to see your viewpoint by spitting repeatedly in their face.

Still, like them or hate them, PETA generates countless headlines and I admire the group’s relentless tenacity.

Let's take a look at some of their more inspired and inflammatory campaigns:

I think, everybody can agree: all children should
cut class much more often. Thank you, Andy Dick.

Who really wants to see a naked woman covered in magic
marker lines that depict which parts of her will make for
a fine evening of gourmet BBQ? (Um, other than cannibals.)

While I understand the point PETA is trying to make, it
comes across as a weird S&M rape fantasy. Also, I am deeply
disturbed that I find an elephant so damn smoking hot.

Hmmm. Be comfortable in your own skin.
Great message, except after seeing this I’ll
never feel comfortable again.

Foxy lady, here I come... I’m coming to get ya.

Do you really know of many people who don't love to wear
their dog around the house?

This ad was so offensive that PETA eventually issued a public apology to various outlets of the Jewish media on Holocaust Remembrance Day. Not only did this one cross the line, but it pretty much obliterated it.

Speaking of which, I will now leave you with one final questionable PR campaign from PETA. The organization came up with its own “Unhappy Meal” handout a while back in an effort to teach families about the “unhappy” lives of chickens raised to be future McNuggets.

This copy describing it is directly from PETA’s web site:

“The inside of the Unhappy Meal box is stained with "blood" and contains a "blood"-filled packet urging McDonald's to "Ketchup With the Times," a paper cutout of a menacing Ronald McDonald with PETA's parody "I'm Hatin' It" logo, a "bloody" plastic chicken, and a "Chicken McCruelty" T-shirt wrapped up like a sandwich.”

Damn, that's just hardcore.

Personally, this is one of my favorites as it is just plain wrong on so many levels. Anytime I see a psychotic clown wielding a knife on packaging geared toward young children, well, that generally gets my attention.

This campaign was completely unacceptable. It is unspeakably cruel for the poor souls who suffer from coulrophobia, or the fear of clowns. It is estimated that about 8% of Americans suffer from this fear.

That’s only slightly more than the percentage of Americans who are paranoid that the ketchup packets at their favorite fast food restaurant actually contain real blood.

Ah PETA, you always give the public some interesting food for thought.

PETA Strikes Again with Save the Whales Campaign

2009-08-20T07:19:00.008-07:00

(Part One)

I am in utter awe of PETA. I really am.

I’m not a member of the group. I’m not even a vegetarian. I can’t say I advocate all of the policies and attitudes of the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, but I sure am dazzled by their ability to capture headlines better than any other organization on this planet.

I wholeheartedly support the controversial group’s right to generate promotional campaigns free of censorship... even if their ads sometimes seem free of common sense, as well.

Case in point: PETA recently unveiled a new billboard (above) designed to inform people that vegetarianism is a healthier dietary choice than eating meat.

Unfortunately, the actual message is less than poetic: “Save the Whales. Lose The Blubber. Go Vegetarian.”

Wow. Just wow.

So, if I am to take the ad at face value, it says that fat people are whales, full of blubber, and that they should eat vegetables in order to slim down. This strikes me as particularly odd since there is no such thing as a vegetarian whale.

Anyway, I cannot imagine how anybody could be offended by this message.

Sure, calling an overweight woman in a bikini a whale (i.e. a mammal that typically weighs between 1.8 and 3.5 tons) might be considered profoundly sexist and ostentatiously rude, but when was the last time you saw a PETA ad that wasn’t attempting to be either of those things?

Remember, this is the organization that produced a 30-second “Veggie Love” commercial for Super Bowl XLIII that was rejected by NBC. The network considered it too provocative due to scantily clad women licking, rubbing and generally frolicking with pumpkins, broccoli, asparagus and eggplant.

If you need a visual aide to accompany the previous paragraph, please visit here.

Also keep in mind, PETA is the same group that is known for its scintillating campaigns promoting vegetarianism and condemning the wearing of fur garments. Their ads often feature naked or near-naked celebrities, including Alicia Silverstone, Pamela Anderson, Christina Applegate, Eva Mendes, Kim Basinger and Famke Jannsen.

I think Alicia confused the word nudist with vegetarian.

I think every heterosexual male with working
eyes would rather she go naked, too.

Is there anything more tempting than a sea of
spicy red peppers?

I’ll give PETA credit. They are masters at stirring up public reaction. Unfortunately, it’s too often negative in tone. If they want to draw attention to obesity and healthy vegetable-based diets, I’m all for it.

After all, a large segment (no pun intended) of this planet's inhabitants are considered obese. The World Health Organization reports that there are more than one billion overweight adults globally and at least 300 million of them are obese.

The problem needs to be addressed, but calling overweight people “whales” hardly seems like a constructive or even ethical stratagem.

When you anger the public deliberately, especially by directly insulting them, how much credence will be given to your message?

The current “Save the Whales” campaign is just one more example in a long history of inflammatory ads authored by PETA. Tomorrow, I will take a look at some of the classics.

Reel Quiz #7: Star Wars Edition

2009-08-19T04:14:00.010-07:00

To Hell and Back!!! (Part Two)

2009-08-18T07:38:00.000-07:00

(See Previous Entry for Part One)

Let's summarize Part One, shall we? I believe Hell is playing Pictionary and recently I had to endure 30 minutes of Hell. Now, you're caught up.

I should mention here, that I did not actually play Pictionary recently. It was actually a knock-off for kids called Cadoo.

It involves other things to do than just draw, yet my wife and I play a "draw every turn" version with my young nephew to torture me. He is exceptionally cute and knows he is and he uses his cuteness to ask me ever so politely and kindly to play even though he knows I'd rather be playing kissing tag with jellyfish in the middle of the Pacific ocean.

So, when it became my turn and I had to draw something that could be found “under my bed” I was none-too-pleased.

My attempt at drawing a cat looked like something that vaguely resembled a bat-faced creature with no legs and a huge, fat snake-like tail. It also had wings for eyes and a nose that only could be described as woefully inaccurate.

I would reproduce it here but I accidentally spilled two glasses of ice tea on it, as well as a third because the first two did not adequately do the trick.

My nephew, as adorable as space is infinite and easily half as evil, seemed to really enjoy watching me squirm. He laughed at my drawing for approximately 14 hours. This is probably why he relishes playing the game so damn much.

When it came time for his turn to draw I will reference the picture at the top of this blog. He had to draw an animal he would not want in his bed with him. Any guesses?

My wife and I tried many guesses ourselves, but ran out of time. Turns out, he drew a rat. (Look again, you'll see it.)

Now, before you think I’m being mean here, I don’t say this with that purpose in mind. I simply had no idea what scared the kid. No. Scratch that. I know what scares that kid. Everything. It was just too hard to narrow down from a limitless number of choices.

I felt kind of bad not being able to guess the answer because I could see his frustration... that same frustration I’ve known all of my life.

At least he’s only in first grade. He can still develop drawing skills, and you know, even if he doesn’t he can already draw me under the table. At least the wheel-like appendages of the rat in his picture are in proportion. On my best day, I couldn't even manage that much.

So, if you think the figure at the top of this entry is hard to identify, then you should know that what I had drawn was ten times worse and much more mock-worthy. If you were to, say, post in on a refrigerator, those who passed by it would shriek in absolute terror: What is wrong with that poor, deranged child! Is he... is he from Hell?

No, no I am not. I just visit there every time I attempt to draw.

To Hell and Back!!! (Part One)

2009-08-17T08:25:00.002-07:00

Most people probably envision Hell as a deep and vast underground cavern full of thick smoke and scorching flames... and, of course, an infinite number of nightmarish demons and tortured souls. I’m guessing there’s a lot of screaming in this scenario, too.

I don’t buy that. Heaven is not a bunch of clouds and harps and winged seraphs. Hell is not a bunch of fire and brimstone and screaming monstrosities. Those are just mythological constructs... simple and even unimaginative images that have been frequently used throughout history by the feckless predominant collective cultures of this infernal, red-headed stepchild of a world.

Yes, I’m feeling quite optimistic today.

Perhaps it is because I experienced a glimpse of the one true Hell recently and I am still struggling to recover.

You see, Heaven does not really have one face, so to speak. Nor does Hell, in my opinion. Such abstract ideas are influenced by the perception of the individual who experiences them. For you, Heaven may be full of chocolate chip cookies and blatant public nudity. For me, it might be a world where all food is served "Thai hot" and all movies are made in IMAX 3-D.

Then, there is Hell. I admit, burning perpetually while being whipped by deranged demons is a decent Underworld to imagine. It sounds quite painful and hopeless, which is precisely the point. But, for me, Hell is much worse than that. After all, I recently journeyed there (or a watered-down version of it) for about 30 minutes and escaped back to reality with my life and sanity intact, but only barely.

What is Hell for me? Quite simply, Hell is playing Pictionary.

The sad thing about that previous sentence is that I genuinely meant it. Drawing ability is something that I have always admired, but am utterly perplexed how it all works. I consistently failed handwriting in school (which is not really drawing talent, and yet, I’m so bad with pencil and paper that I cannot even write words legibly).

Years later, I took Art and my self-confidence pulled out a gun and shot itself 13 times.

I cannot draw a circle. I cannot draw a square. My stick figures look evil... and fuzzy... and disturbingly out of proportion. I truly suck at drawing in a way that nobody has managed to equal throughout the entire course of recorded time. (I even envy those rudimentary stick drawings on caves etched with ashen sticks.)

So, naturally, everybody I know seems to want to play Pictionary whenever I am around. I usually get pressured into playing, and then, by the end of the night, everybody usually regrets that persuasive effort.

You might think I’m being silly, but let me use an appropriate metaphor.

Picture, if you will, sticking your hand into a running blender (perhaps on the setting of maximum blend). Don’t take it out. Keep it there for 30 minutes (or however long it takes to play Pictionary). While this is going on, imagine that someone has lit your crotch on fire. You can’t put it out, of course. Then, cover your entire body with Super Glue. Immediately after that, pour a bucket of cranky tarantulas all over your body so they can get caught in the glue and try to bite their way out of it.

Does that sound like fun to you? For me, that sounds a little bit hellish. If I were given the choice of playing Pictionary or participating in the tortures of the previous paragraph, I would probably flip a coin.

In this instance, I lost the coin toss and almost lost my mind completely.

To Be Continued Tomorrow...

Reel Quiz #6

2009-08-13T07:58:00.002-07:00

It’s time to test your knowledge of obscure cinema trivia one more time by answering the following ten multiple choice questions.

Score one point for each correct response. The answers will be posted at the bottom.

For those who deem it necessary to validate your self-worth, feel free to base it on the following scale:

Reel Quiz Ratings Scale

9-10 Correct (Ph.D. in Film)
You are so talented that you could write a screenplay on a table napkin about the life of a table napkin and sell it to Disney for $4 million.

7-8 Correct (M.A. in Film)
You are an under-appreciated genius, like the guy who invented guacamole.

5-6 Correct (B.A. in Film)
You are an avid film lover, but you don’t know the difference between craft services and Kraft Mac n' Cheese.

3-4 Correct (A.A. in Film)
You really should try to see more films that don't have "slaughter" or "sluts" in the title.

1-2 Correct (Film School Dropout)
Can I be honest here? You probably cannot even read this right now.

**************************

1) Which of the following Alfred Hitchcock films has the best ranking in the American Film Institute's list of Top 100 American Films of all time?

A) Vertigo
B) Psycho
C) Rear Window
D) North by Northwest

2) Which of the following on-screen movie couples were actually born in the same year?

A) Meg Ryan & Tom Hanks
B) Matt Damon & Minnie Driver
C) George Clooney & Michelle Pfeiffer
D) Julia Roberts & Hugh Grant

3) What was the name of the Devil (played by Jack Nicholson) in The Witches of Eastwick?

A) Johnathan Brimstone
B) Seth Sizzle
C) Daryl Van Horne
D) Max Devlin

4) What comic actor won the MTV Movie Award for Best Comedic Performance every year from 1995-1998?

A) Mike Myers
B) Robin Williams
C) Jim Carrey
D) Ben Stiller

5) Which of the following Bruce Willis or Demi Moore movies did NOT win a Golden Raspberry award for the Worst Screenplay of the Year?

A) Indecent Proposal
B) Striptease
C) Hudson Hawk
D) Bonfire of the Vanities

6) Which of the following stars have never received a Golden Raspberry for Worst Actor?

A) Sean Connery
B) Sylvester Stallone
C) Kevin Costner
D) Burt Reynolds

7) Which of the following Disney animated films was NOT the highest domestic grossing film the year it was released?

A) Toy Story (1995)
B) The Lion King (1994)
C) Aladdin (1992)
D) 101 Dalmations (1961)

8) What was the most-rented movie of 1991?

A) Pretty Woman
B) Ghost
C) Total Recall
D) Hudson Hawk

9) Which of the following movies in the Batman series raked in the most bat cash in domestic box office sales?

A) Batman
B) Batman Returns
C) Batman Forever
D) Batman & Robin

10) Which of the following movies in the Superman series swept up the most super cash in domestic box office sales?

A) Superman
B) Superman II
C) Superman III
D) Superman IV: The Quest for Peace

*************************

Answers:

(1) B; Psycho is ranked 18th, North by Northwest is ranked 40th, Rear Window is ranked 42nd and Vertigo is ranked 61st.

(2) B; Matt Damon and Minnie Driver, 1970, co-stars in Good Will Hunting.

(3) C; Daryl Van Horne.

(4) C; Jim Carrey. It was a dark period in the history of American pop culture.

(5) D; Bonfire of the Vanities. Most entertainment experts speculated that the couple split up largely due to their ongoing competition to see who could pick the worst script for each given year.

(6) A; Sean Connery.

(7) B; The Lion King in 1994. Forrest Gump was the biggest film at the box office that year.

(8) B; Ghost. However, if you answered D (Hudson Hawk) for this question, deduct five points from your overall score.

(9) A; Batman. It grossed over $251 million. Batman Returns made over $162 million; Batman Forever tallied over $184 million and Batman & Robin robbed audiences of over $107 million.

(10) A; Superman. The original wins again with over $134 million. In this series, the box office gross in the US plummeted with each subsequent sequel: Superman II, $108 million; Superman III, $59 million; and Superman IV, only $11 million.

On This Date in 1981... IBM Changed the World

2009-08-12T08:41:00.007-07:00

On this date 28 years ago, IBM released its first personal computer (model number 5150). They’ve been trying to get it to work properly ever since.

That first IBM PC ran on a 4.77 MHz Intel 8088 microprocessor. Those uninitiated in computer lingo should know that MHz is short for Mega Hurtz, a term applied to measure the speed of a tormented turtle with four injured legs.

Thus, 4.77 MHz would mean 4.77 times the speed of the aforementioned turtle, which is approximately as fast as a snail suffering from intense, crippling vertigo.

It is also interesting to note that IBM’s initial personal computer came equipped with 16 kilobytes of memory, expandable to 256K. It also included one or two 160K floppy disk drives and an optional color monitor. So, basically, it could be used as a glorified calculator or a decorative end table.

The price tag for the 1981 PC was a whopping $1,565, which is the equivalent of spending over $3,705 in 2008, according to the Consumer Price Index (which doesn’t have the equivalent value for 2009 available yet).

For $3,700 today, you could actually buy a real computer: a Mac.

Essentially, for the same price you could receive a 24-inch iMac with 8 GB 1066 MHZ (that’s faster than a thousand severely injured turtles!) DDR3 SDRAM - 2x4GB.

The iMac comes equipped with 3.06GHz Intel Core 2 Duo and a 1.0 Terabyte serial ATA Drive (which can hold a quarter of a million songs). You could also upgrade to a faster graphics package (ATI Radeon HD 4850 512MB), a wireless mouse and keyboard, and buy iWorks 2009 and Final Cut Express pre-installed plus the three-year AppleCare Proetection Plan!

But, that’s just me.

Still, I realize that the pioneer company IBM did indeed pave the way for Apple to come in an make the computer market much, much cooler later on, so KUDOS to them.

Incidentally, four months after IBM introduced its PC, Time Magazine actually named the computer as its “Man of the Year.”

One month after that, Time printed a retraction realizing that, indeed, a computer is not a person though the resemblance was astonishing similar.

Time opted instead to give the award to a duo of film actors who had dominated the box office in 1981: Harrison Ford for making archeology cool again thanks to his role as Indiana Jones in The Raiders of the Lost Ark, and Dudley Moore for his stark portrayal of the devastating effects of alcoholism in the profoundly tragic film Arthur.

Chevy Volt Reported to Get 230 MPG

2009-08-11T09:04:00.008-07:00

General Motors announced earlier today that its Chevrolet Volt rechargeable electric car (due out in 2010) is estimated to get 230 miles per gallon in the city, according to early tests that adhere to guidelines from the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency for calculating the mileage of extended range electric vehicles.

Incidentally, 230 mpg is more than four times the gas mileage of the Toyota Prius, widely considered to be the most efficient electric car on the market at the current time. (It gets about 48 mpg in the city and 45 mpg on the highway.)

The Chevy Volt's gas tank will hold between six and ten gallons, meaning people who drive mostly in the city could travel over a thousand miles between trips to the gas station.

According to the Associated Press, the Volt is powered by an electric motor and a battery pack that boasts a 40-mile range. Once the car is driven past that point (without recharging), the vehicle's small internal combustion engine generates enough electricity for a total range of 300 miles.

By theory, those who never drive more than 40 miles at a time would never require gasoline.

Perhaps the most exciting aspect of the car, however, is that the battery pack can be recharged using a standard home outlet.

Thus far, highway mileage estimates have yet to be released for the Volt, but GM believes the combined highway and city mileage for the car will be in triple digits.

The gas mileage won't be the only high aspect of the car, however. Because it is a first-generation release, GM will likely put a price tag in the $40,000 range for its 2010 models. Even with qualifying federal government tax credits, the price precludes a large percentage of American consumers from owning the Chevy Volt next year.

Of course, General Motors is working to knock the cost down of the vehicle, particularly the battery system, in the forseeable future.

Hopefully that will happen soon, but in the meantime, it's hard not to be excited by the technological potential of U.S. automakers.

Top 10 Worst Names Celebrities Have Given Their Children

2009-08-10T07:04:00.000-07:00

According to statistics tabulated by the National Youth Violence Prevention Resource Center (www.safeyouth.org), almost 30% of the youth in the United States (over 5.7 million) bully others, end up becoming the target of a bully's wrath, or both.

When students between the ages of six and ten were polled in a national survey, it was revealed that 13% admitted to bullying others and 11% were bullied by others. On top of that, 6% claimed to be on both sides of the bullying coin.

Now, I realize that there are many factors for why people bully others. I myself was tortured daily by two older brothers simply because I was much smarter, better looking and just plain more awesome than they could ever hope to be.

But, there is one thing that can be done at birth to help shield children from the potential wrath of future bullies. Give your child a name that does not rhyme with a profane word, for example. I can attest that “Chris” rhymes with “piss” (as well as "clitoris") so I heard some pretty colorful phrases while growing up.

Note: you probably should also stray away from names that double as profane and/or dubious words, such as: Dick, Peter, John Thomas, Willy, Wang, Captain Penishead, etc.

I realize that eliminates a lot of common names, but truth be told, such monikers are hardly the biggest attraction for schoolyard bullies. Common names like “Dick” and “Peter” won’t make you stand out nearly as much as a highly unusual name will.

And, now we come to the point of my blog today (finally!).

Why do so many celebrities give their children names that will one day make them the target of anybody on the playground with a size ten or larger shoe and/or a 75 or less IQ?

I could provide dozens of examples, but instead, will opt to go for a Top Ten list format.

The Top Ten Worst Names Celebrities Have Given Their Children:

10) Apple (Child of Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin of Coldplay)

Bonus Bad Joke: Let's hope Apple falls far from the family tree when she names her own children some day.

9) Sage Moonblood (Child of Sylvester Stallone)

8) Memphis Eve (Child of U2 frontman Bono who clearly was teased for his own name growing up.)

7) Tu (This name isn’t so bad until you realize the child’s last name is Morrow. The father is actor Rob Morrow.)

On the bright side, at least the child will likely think that the people in the musical Annie are singing directly to her.

6) Audio Science (Child of actress Shannyn Sossamon.)

5) Jermajesty (Child of Jermaine Jackson, brother of Michael.)

Jerkidding me, right?

4) Pilot Inspektor (Child of Jason Lee. I believe it has something to do with a song lyric from a band named Grandaddy or opium... copious amounts of opium.)

3) Moxie Crimefighter (Child of comedian/magician Penn Jillete -- part of the duo Penn and Teller.)

I will admit that it's better than Wussy Supervillain, but only barely.

2) Kal-El (Child of Nic Cage, a big fan of Superman, hence Superman’s Kryptonian name.)

Thank goodness his Kryptonian name wasn't something really unusual like Mxyzptlk or Chunky Bits of Dog Food... Now with Gravy.

And finally...

1) Moon Unit, Dweezil, Ahmet and Diva the Muffin Man (All offspring of musician Frank Zappa who clearly deserves a Lifetime Achievement Award for this category.)

Incidentally, today’s blog is sponsored by:

www.FutureBullyVictimsoftheWorldUnite.com.

Reel Quiz #5

2009-08-06T07:12:00.001-07:00

It’s time to test your knowledge of obscure cinema trivia one more time by answering the following ten multiple choice questions.

Score one point for each correct response. The answers will be posted at the bottom.

For those who deem it necessary to validate your self-worth, feel free to base it on the following scale:

Reel Quiz Ratings Scale

9-10 Correct (Ph.D. in Film)
You are so talented that you could write a script for a movie called Inanimate Nosehair on spec.

7-8 Correct (M.A. in Film)
You are an under-appreciated genius, like Keanu Reeve's band Dogstar.

5-6 Correct (B.A. in Film)
You are an avid film lover, but you don’t know the difference between a trailer and a teaser.

3-4 Correct (A.A. in Film)
You really should try to see more films that don't have "Part 14" in the title.

1-2 Correct (Film School Dropout)
It's like I don't even know who you are anymore.

**************************

1) Which of the following films IS the only one that grossed over $100 million in domestic box office?

A) Last Action Hero
B) Moonstruck
C) A League of Their Own
D) The Crying Game

2) Which of the following statements is NOT true?

A) Kevin Costner majored in Marine Biology in college
B) Michael Keaton worked as a TV cameraman
C) Bruce Willis played harmonica in a band called Loose Goose
D) Steve Martin was born in Waco, Texas

3) Which of the following titles is NOT the actual name of a movie?

A) Stop, You're Killing Me
B) Revenge of the Virgins
C) A Pyromaniac's Love Story
D) Hell is Full of Poets

4) Which of the following titles IS the actual name of a movie?

A) I Am... a Taxidermist
B) Vampire Trailer Park
C) Race of the Garbage Men
D) Mutant Cheerleaders from Texas

5) Elora Danan, Queen Bavmorda and Mad Martigan are all characters from what movie?

A) Legend
B) Willow
C) Labyrinth
D) Dragonheart

6) Which of the following movies (from the summer of 1998) did NOT surpass $100 million in domestic box office ticket sales?

A) The Truman Show
B) Deep Impact
C) Dr. Dolittle
D) The X-Files Movie

7) What movie contained the following quote: "You might be a king or a little street sweeper, but sooner or later you dance with the Reaper"?

A) Death Becomes Her
B) Death Row Diner
C) Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey
D) Night Shift

8) Which of the following sequels was NOT released in theaters as a 3-D flick?

A) A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors
B) Jaws 3
C) Amityville 3: The Demon
D) Friday the 13th, Part 3

9) What movie is ranked #1 on the American Film Institute's list of the 100 Greatest American Films?

A) Casablanca
B) Gone With the Wind
C) Citizen Kane
D) The Godfather

10) Which of the following films received a special Golden Raspberry award in 1996 for being the Worst Written Film Grossing Over $100 Million?

A) The Rock
B) Mission Impossible
C) Independence Day
D) Twister

*************************

Answers:

(1) C; A League of Their Own earned over $107 million.

(2) A. Kevin Costner actually earned a B.A. degrees in business from California State University, Fullerton. Then, he proceeded to ignore his studies when he decided that Waterworld would be a big moneymaker.

(3) D; Hell is Full of Poets. Although, Hell really is full of poets.

(4) B; Vampire Trailer Park sounds like an awesome film. But then, I’d pay to see the other three, as well.

(5) B; Willow.

(6) D; The X-Files Movie. The truth may be out there, but it stayed home during that summer, apparently.

(7) C; Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey. If you got this right, you should probably seek professional help.

(8) A; A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors was not released in 3-D and I have been very angry ever since.

(9) C; Citizen Kane. God knows why.

(10) D; Twister. Quick Trivia Fact: The movie Twister is not actually about the board game of the same name. In its real plot, a couple on the verge of divorce (played by Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt) fall in love all over again due to the timely assistance of a friendly, but massively misunderstood Category 5 Tornado named “Holy Shit!”

"Holy Shit! What do we do?"

Reader Mail #3

2009-08-05T08:15:00.001-07:00

There continues to be a massive influx of electronic mail from Passing Thoughts readers of late. Just yesterday alone I received 271 comments, four of which were not from StalkingYouUntilYouBleed.

Receiving electronic ovations from all corners of the Earth is nice, to be sure, but some people go on a little too much. For example:

Dear Scrotum Face,

A friend of mine recently requested that I try reading your blog since he believed it was the best thing since waxed dental floss. So, I clicked on the link.

Words cannot describe how it made me feel, but alas, I shall try.

As I read each sentence, I felt as if my very eyes were repeatedly raped by your worthless, pointless, damnable words.

Your illiterate ramblings forced me to unleash a tidal wave of tears as I found myself thinking that I would prefer to have a pit bull use my penis as a chew toy than to endure one more insipid observation from your pitiful unimaginative imitation of a mind.

Perhaps I could give you two words of advice: Please die.

And, hopefully, you will follow my advice as soon as humanly possible.

Irritatingly,

Donnie Darko

Here is another interesting letter I received:

Dear Dr. Montepenny,

Yesterday my shadow followed me around outside for most of the day. It simply would not leave me alone, even when I ran across the freeway during the morning rush hour screaming “Intacto! Intacto!”

At one point, I saw a screeching diesel tire run over the shadow, but the ungodly creature continued its relentless pursuit of me. Finally, around sunset, it grew tired and I managed to give it the slip. Still, I worry that it will be waiting outside for me once again tomorrow.

So, my question is: who would win in a fight between Superman and Batman?

Sincerely,

hookerbytrade

Dear Ms. Hooker,

I am not actually a doctor, but I do appreciate when people address me thusly. Your e-mail distressed me greatly for two reason: 1) not once did you compliment me; and 2) your question was utterly absurd.

Clearly, Superman would pummel Batman before he could even blink... even if Batman held every tactical advantage and contained several hundreds of pounds of kryptonite on his person, Superman would simply fly out of reach of the kryptonite’s devastating effects. Then, he would pick up a building and drop it on the Caped Crusader, whose utility belt does not come equipped with a device that can catch a building.

Or, Superman could simply sneeze and Batman's head would instantly blow off. Either way, the fight would last approximately 2.4 seconds.

Sincerely,

Dr. Montepenny

I'm Blogging Here! I'm Blogging Here!

2009-08-04T08:00:00.001-07:00

Now that I have been blogging for a while, my readership has expanded into the millions.

Unfortunately, these days I find myself accosted on the street often by my legion of fans who bombard me with questions like: Why are you so obsessed with zombies? Did you get the doll I sent you that was made of human hair and crafted lovingly in your likeness? And, last but not least: What exactly is the purpose of your blog?

All are good questions, to be sure.

I will ignore them like I usually do... except for the last one. What is the purpose of this blog? Well, that should be obvious. There is none. It's utterly pointless.

When you break it all down, I have an exceptionally boring life that really isn’t worth reading about. That doesn't stop me from blogging, however. After all, millions of other brain-damaged bloggers have already littered the Super Information Highway with deep declarations such as “The new Kevin Smith film sucks ass!” or poignant questions like “Is it coincidence that the alphabet is arranged in alphabetical order?”

I may never achieve such grandiose verbosity, but I promise to help cure your insomnia with my inane and trivial ramblings.

Speaking of trivia (wow, what a forced segue!) the above picture is from the cinematic classic Midnight Cowboy, the first (and only) X-rated movie to ever win the Best Picture Oscar from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.

Apparently, they never saw Big Trouble in Little Vagina or Edward Penishands, two vastly overlooked classics of cinema.

Later on, Midnight Cowboy was downgraded to “R” status, but the filmmakers were allowed to keep the golden trophy anyway. That’s just wrong on all levels.

Anyway, I included the above picture because of Ratso’s (played by Dustin Hoffman) popular quote: “I’m walking here! I’m walking here!”

I know. I know. Do you see what I did with the juxtaposition of words there in my blogline (is that a word?)? Now, you are saying: “Ha, ha, you are only too clever for words!”

Truly I am, but that is beside the point.

A little time has passed a bit since I added that picture and it has occurred to me that: 1) I didn’t really like the movie that much (I watched it hoping it would be a night western); 2) having that picture at the top of my blog inadvertently gives the whole page a glaringly gay tone, not that there is anything wrong with that; 3) the term “my blog” sounds terribly wrong; 4) Dustin Hoffman must be about as tall as a Smurf; and 5) Jon Voight apparently frequented a haberdashery that lacked mirrors sometime back in the late 1960s. Looking at him in that outfit makes it almost impossible to imagine that he’d be fathering über-sexpot Lara Croft in only a handful of years.

It’s a pretty incredible world when you think about it.

Hmmm. Now I am wondering if straight people use words like “haberdashery?"

Oh, and for the record, Smurfs are approximately three apples tall, whatever the Hell that means. Also, they live in mushrooms and boast a 99% male population. Between the cowboy gigolo picture, Smurf reference and the whole “haberdashery” faux pas (and, now, subsequently, the usage of faux pas), I’m seriously questioning my own sexual identity.

Kiss-My-Ass Smurf says: "See ya!"

Toys Have Changed Since I Was a Kid #2

2009-08-03T06:37:00.000-07:00

I have to admit, I'm starting to feel as if somebody short-sheeted the bed known as my childhood.

My generation really had craptastic toys. Well, that's not entirely true. Those in a higher income bracket were undoubtedly overjoyed by their millions of Star Wars action figure sets. Me? I was ecstatic about a sock puppet I received one birthday. It was known as Lame Duck (pictured to the right), although it may have been a yellow ostrich/mutant chick hybrid of some sort that escaped the set of Sesame Street.

That's OK, though. I may have too often found myself immersed in solitude with few toys, or even food or water, but I had my imagination dammit... which made my cardboard casserole taste like filet mignon and my collection of previously discarded bottlecaps seem like an armada of UFO warships (with cool names like "Tab" and "Squirt").

But, I digress. In all honesty, I was quite jealous of my friend Jesse whose family made more money and thus were able to afford to buy him the coveted Chewbacca sock puppet at The Thrifty Cheapskate store downtown.

And, of course, Sock Chewie always kicked Lame Duck's yellow-cottony ass every time they fought a no-holds-barred cage match. He even had a Wookie utility belt draped across his shoulder, for God's sake! How could a bird without arms or wings compete with that #$@*!

That foul jealousy (no pun intended) occasionally rears its ugly head in my adult life, as well, especially when I observe some of the new, completely awesome toys that are available to the hordes of texting teeny boppers that don't even appreciate them.

It makes me prone to believe that God had some kind of personal vendetta against the 1970s and 1980s. (Does disco and breakdancing not prove this theory?)

At any rate, I recently stumbled upon a precious plaything that I would have gladly traded both of my brothers and a bag of magic beans for: Brian the Freakin' Bad-Ass Robot.

He actually comes equipped with an animatronic brain that uses voice-recognition technology to respond to verbal prompts and engage children in conversation.

The device is programmed with The Concise Encyclopedia from Britannica, a dictionary, and a world-history timeline so it can play word, memory and trivia games with the child. The device can even ask children about their likes and dislikes and learn to interact personally with them, even telling jokes and flashing a multi-colored brain for a little extra pizazz.

As for my Lame Duck toy, it spoke to me in a demonic voice similar to the kid's from The Exorcist, and it tried to kill me on a number of different occasions... including once with a rusty electric buzzsaw.

Brian the Brain, on the other hand, can be programmed to keep a personal telephone book and event calendar, and devices such as phones and iPods can be hooked up to it so that he can call whoever you want for you or play any song on your mp3 player.

My sock puppet would head butt me, repeatedly, or whack me with a stainless steel cheese shredder, if I so much as tried to sing a note.

As if Brian the Brian wasn't already cool enough, he also responds to direct verbal commands (i.e. "Get my dinner, bitch."). Plus, he has a retractable keyboard so you can communicate via text with him. LOL!

Of course, Lame Duck only responded to me with his biting, sarcastic wit. The only features that little Hellspawn possessed were two creepy eyes and a dry, hairy tongue. He would also leave fur droppings everywhere in his wake so I had to "hand vacuum" my room every day.

I suppose there was ONE advantage my childhood toy had over the new, hi-tech robot companion. Instead of costing about $120, it cost approximately 14 cents so I only had to find a couple of recyclable glass bottles and turn them in so I could save up for other sock puppet creatures, including Sneaky Satan Snake and Wally Werewolf Worm.

By the way, if you'd like to see more of Brian the Brain in a short film clip, go to YouTube here. If you are feeling the pinch of the recession but would still like to know where you can learn how to make your very own Ewok sock puppet cheaply, then I suggest you try here.

Top Tweets of the Week

2009-07-31T13:59:00.006-07:00

Some of the funniest Tweets from this past week from Twitter.com:

aedison
I'm new to babysitting, so I'll assume that Amazon knows best when it says kids who like 101 Dalmatians will also enjoy Dog Day Afternoon.

BrianLynch
They're doing a KING KONG prequel? If it's not called PRINCE KONG everyone is wasting their time.

jeremypiven
We don't change we just become more like ourselves...

As usual, there were some amusing trending threads including one called Imperial Edicts that could be implemented in order to make the Evil Empire of Star Wars even more, well, evil:

joelthegreat
All soda machines serve warm cans of Diet caffeine free coke, not matter what you pick.

eddiesaunier
Double coupon Mondays in the Death Star gift shop are suspended indefinitely

rsethery
clone jar jar binks

darthvader
Open more Starbucks

StrivinToThrive
raise the cost of postage... again. pure evil.

HughWoolard
Starting now, ALL movies will be directed by Michael Bay.

Another trend listed Fake Song Parody Titles that were rejected by Weird Al Yankovic.

mshowalter
"Your Body Is A Wonderbread"

nitrogrizz
Fat-Bottomed Squirrels - Queen

ccondry
"Smells Like Tom Skerritt"

c_cappelletti
"Knockin' On Kevin's Door"

Montepenny
“The Pigeon is Gonna Get You" and "Meth (I Hear You Calling)"

themikewhite
You Can Call Me ALF

alyankovic
Depeche Mode - "My Own Personal Cheese Whiz"

One of the raunchier trends included Failed Children's Book Titles that had too much of an adult slant to them:

bortrock
The Lion, The Witch and the Whore's Robe

BrianLynch
ONE FISH, TWO FISH, RED FISH, TERRORIST

States
HORTON HEARS HIS PARENTS HAVING SEX.

MsDelaney
Puff The Magic Bong

noyokono
Bi-Curious George

theseantcollins
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Kidney Stone

Montepenny
Mr. Magorium's Wonder Bra Emporium

muskrat_john
Where the Girls Gone Wild Things Are

Dweeze
Nancy Drew and the Mystery of the Overly Affectionate Spinster

Wormito
Charlotte's Web of Lies

Reel Quiz #4

2009-07-30T07:28:00.004-07:00

It’s time to test your knowledge of obscure cinema trivia one more time by answering the following ten multiple choice questions.

Score one point for each correct response. The answers will be posted at the bottom.

For those who deem it necessary to validate your self-worth, feel free to base it on the following scale:

Reel Quiz Ratings Scale

9-10 Correct (Ph.D. in Film)
You are so talented that you could remake Titanic with sock puppets and a toy model and still earn a Best Film Oscar.

7-8 Correct (M.A. in Film)
You are an under-appreciated genius, like Yahoo Serious.

5-6 Correct (B.A. in Film)
You are an avid film lover, but you don’t know the difference between a daily and a nightie.

3-4 Correct (A.A. in Film)
You really should try to see more films that don't have "Ernest" in the title.

1-2 Correct (Film School Dropout)
I won't lie to you. You have severe issues.

**************************

1) Before actor Jim Varney died of lung cancer, he had starred in numerous movies as the fictional character Ernest P. Worrell. How many were released altogether?

A) 4
B) 6
C) 8
D) 10

2) In the James Bond movie series, six different actors have appeared in the role of the British superspy. How many total Bond films have been released as of July of 2009? (Note: I am not counting David Niven who appeared in the role in 1967 in the spoof movie Casino Royale as it is not part of EON Productions, which has produced the series over the years.)

A) 16
B) 19
C) 22
D) 28

3) Which actor has played James Bond in the most films?

A) Roger Moore
B) Sean Connery
C) Pierce Brosnan
D) Timothy Dalton

4) Which of the following “BIG” films made the most domestic box office dollars in its initial theatrical run? (Note: there is no adjustment for inflation.)

A) Big
B) Big Daddy
C) Big Momma’s House
D) Big Fish

5) Which of the following Keanu Reeves’ films grossed the most in domestic box office during its initial theatrical run?

A) Speed
B) The Matrix
C) The Matrix Reloaded
D) Even Cowgirls Get the Blues

6) Titanic is the highest grossing movie of all time bringing in over $1.8 billion worldwide. What was its final budget?

A) $160 million
B) $180 million
C) $200 million
D) $220 million

7) Which of the following actors has accrued the highest total domestic box office (as of July of 2009) including voice roles in animated films? Hint: This may or may not be a trick question.

A) Samuel L. Jackson
B) Tom Hanks
C) Harrison Ford
D) Frank Welker

8) According to Movie Body Counts (www.moviebodycounts.com), which movie has featured the most on-screen deaths?

A) The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King
B) 300
C) Kingdom of Heaven
D) Titanic

(9) How many on-screen deaths did the leader in question #8 feature (according to www.moviebodycounts.com)?

A) 784
B) 823
C) 836
D) 914

(10) Which of the following titles is NOT the actual name of a movie?

A) Death Bed, The Bed That Eats
B) Fat Guy Goes Nutzoid
C) Don’t Worry, We’ll Think of a Title
D) The Overrated Gynecologist

*************************

Answers:

(1) D (10). Varney appeared as the character in a cameo role first in Dr. Otto and the Riddle of the Gloom Beam (1986). He later reprised the role in the following films: Ernest Goes to Camp (1987); Ernest Saves Christmas (1988); Ernest Goes to Jail (1990); Ernest Scared Stupid (1991); Ernest Rides Again (1993); (1994); Ernest Goes to School (1994); Slam Dunk Ernest (1995); Ernest Goes to Africa (1997); and Ernest in the Army (1998). Incidentally, he died during the filming of Ernest the Pirate in 2000. It was never released.

(2) C (22). In order, they are: Dr. No (1962); From Russia with Love (1963); Goldfinger (1964); Thunderball (1965); You Only Live Twice (1967); On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (1969); Diamonds Are Forever (1971); Live and Let Die (1973); The Man with the Golden Gun (1974); The Spy Who Loved Me (1977); Moonraker (1979); For Your Eyes Only (1981); Octopussy (1983); A View to a Kill (1985); The Living Daylights (1987); License to Kill (1989); Goldeneye (1995); Tomorrow Never Dies (1997); The World is Not Enough (1999); Die Another Day (2002); Casino Royale (2006); Quantum of Solace (2008).

(3) A; Roger Moore has been in seven. Sean Connery starred in six. Brosnan was in four and Dalton appeared in the role only twice.

(4) B; Big Daddy brought in over $163 million, beating out Big Momma’s House (over $117 million), Big (over $114 million) and Big Fish (over $66 million).

(5) C; The Matrix Reloaded is his highest grossing film in the U.S. topping out at over $281 million. The original Matrix earned over $171 million and Speed raced out to over $121 million. Even Cowgirls Get the Blues only brought in $1.6 million.

(6) C; Its budget of $200 million is still considered to be the tenth-highest budget of all time (as of July 2009).

(7) D; Frank Welker is a voice actor whose worked in 90 films that have grossed $4,954,899,301. The other three actors are ranked second through fourth, respectively: Samual Jackson: $4,458,983,764; Tom Hanks: $3,985,833,414; and Harrison Ford: $3,630,449,689.

(8) A; The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.

(9) C; 836 were killed on screen. Most of them were orcs and other mindless beasts. Unfortunately, not one of the 836 was that whiny sissy-boy Frodo.

(10) D; (The Overrated Gynecologist).

Note: All statistics for questions #4-7 were taken by the web site: www.the-numbers.com in July of 2009.

Six Word Stories Totally Kick Ass!

2009-07-29T07:14:00.010-07:00

Brevity is a virtue. Or so I am told.

Herman Melville’s classic novel Moby Dick (which many completely insane people believe is the greatest book ever written) includes over 200,000 words. Needless to say, it takes approximately 17 years to read. I’ll save you the trouble. I can sum it up in six words.

“Call me Ishmael.” Everyone else dies.

OK. Perhaps a little more than that happens, but as the old cliché goes, sometimes less is more... and that is precisely the idea that once inspired a wager between famous American writer Ernest Hemingway and some of his colleagues back in the 1920s.

They bet him that he couldn’t write a complete short story in just six words (or so the legend goes).

The result was a piece of writing that Hemingway considered possibly his best work ever. How did he manage to win the bet? Like this:

For sale: baby shoes, never used.
--Ernest Hemingway

The story is indeed quite powerful, poignant and tragic. It is also unbelievably efficient and currently serves as the inspiration for a website called Six Word Stories (www.sixwordstories.net.)

Launched by Pete Berg in December of 2008, the site collects six-word stories from various famous people, as well as readers and Web visitors.

Today I will present ten taken from the site. You may recognize some of the names of the authors.

1) He got syphilis. She got alimony. — Amit Kapoor

2) Starlet sex scandal. Giant squid involved. — Margaret Atwood

3) Let’s keep this giant wooden horse! — Prattle Assassin

4) “Forgive me!” “What for?” “Never mind.” — John Updike

5) Gepetto doesn’t inhale. Pinocchio remains inanimate. —Lenny

6) Dead all around. One bullet left. – Bryan

7) I win lottery. Sun goes nova. — Steven Meretzky

8) Rolls. Falls. Pencil rues pointless existence. — M. Hari Prasad

9) House for rent. Must tolerate ghosts. — AJ Brown

10) Seeker fails. Hider starves to death. – Graham Edwards

And, as an extra special bonus, I'll include a handful that I've written as I find this art form to be uncomfortably addictive.

1) The suicidal vampire bought a convertible.

2) Love conquers all, sometimes even itself.

3) Sleepwalkers really shouldn't live on boats.

4) Eve bites apple. Adam invents profanity.

5) "She is smoking hot!" thought Oedipus.

Lessson Learned: Do Not Anger the Baseball Gods

2009-07-28T08:07:00.016-07:00

So, last night I learned a valuable lesson: Don't #@$! with the Baseball Gods.

Any superstitious soul knows it's unwise to talk about a perfect game or a no-hitter with the pitcher while it is actually happening. Nothing angers the Deities of the Diamond like assuming that your favorite player or team has earned their favor and is currently being elevated to divine status as a result.

Case in point: my blog yesterday boasted how well the Diamondbacks had played in my presence this season. It was ample fodder for the Mighty Ones to prove a point to me. True, they may have favored me in the past, but my simple mention of that fact was enough to incite them to put me back in my proper place.

The same Diamondbacks who had not given up any earned runs in the full three games I watched live this year gave up six total runs (only half were earned) and were beaten in every aspect of the game last night... handily.

It didn't start off that way, though. Arizona starting pitcher Jon Garland pitched an impressive first three innings, giving up only one walk and no hits to the first ten batters. I found myself wondering if the magic could happen one more time.

Meanwhile, the D-Backs managed to draw walks and hits like crazy. They had two baserunners on in the first, three in the second and two in the third.

Unfortunately, they just couldn't manage to score any runs in those situations. At one point, they had the Phillies' starter Jamie Moyer on the ropes. He faced the worst situation a pitcher can face: bases loaded with no outs. He got out of it without giving up a single run. Strikeout. Double play. Groan.

Then, the momentum changed in a flash. Moyer found his control again and Ryan Howard found the centerfield fence by blistering a monster shot that gave the Phillies a 2 to 0 lead. Prior to that hit, I knew the D-Backs had blown the game already. They had every advantage working for them early and didn't... well, take advantage of it.

Naturally, they soon unraveled after that. They committed two sloppy errors. Second baseman Ryan Roberts also bobbled a potential double-play ball that would have ended an inning, but instead, allowed a run to score on the play.

The D-Backs also stranded eleven baserunners altogether. The Phillies were up 6 to 0 before Arizona scored a pair of meaningless runs in the bottom of the eighth. However, the outcome of the game was never in question.

The D-Backs outhit the Phils 9 to 6, but the Liberty Bell Bombers played smarter baseball. They are the champions and they showed why last night. They also proved to me that it is much wiser to keep your mouth shut if you actually think the Baseball Gods are showing you any kindness at all.

Still, it was a fun night at the air-conditioned ballpark. Next time I will simply wait until AFTER THE GAME to discuss the divine actions of the Baseball Gods rather than risk their wrath once again. After all, their vengeance hits harder than Ryan Howard's bat, and believe me, that is saying a lot.

The Ultimate Test for the Baseball Gods

2009-07-26T10:08:00.009-07:00

Last month, I wrote a two-part blog called "A Dissertation on the Deities of the Diamond" about how fans tend to believe that they somehow control the fate of their favorite ballclub through their superstitious actions.

I realize how silly it is for a grown person to believe that wearing a baseball cap backwards will make a .188 hitter come up big with a rally-tying single in the bottom of the ninth, but this is the society we live in.

Then again, sometimes the numbers don't lie. Some fans actually could make a statistical argument that backs up such wild claims. Like me.

I have attended three home games this season of the struggling Arizona Diamondbacks, a team that trails the Los Angeles Dodgers by almost 20 games with an unimpressive 43-56 record.

Yet, during the three games I attended the Diamondbacks were 3-0, outscoring the Rockies 2 to 0, the Cubs 10 to 0 and the Giants 2 to 1. A team that has struggled with pitching and hitting mightily all throughout the year just so happens to boast a 14 to 1 scoring margin in the three games I have attended.

Coincidence? Not bloody likely.

Consider this fact. The Diamondbacks have only pitched eight shutouts all year long (and five at home) and I was there for two of them. During the third game I attended, the Diamondbacks were up 2 to 0 with two outs and two strikes in the ninth inning when I foolishly uttered aloud: “I can’t believe they’ve pitched 26 straight scoreless innings for me and are about to finish number 27! What are the freakin' odds of that?”

The Giants ended up scoring a run on a wild pitch as the Baseball Gods smote me mightily.

Still, the team has a cumulative ERA of 4.41, but when I watch them at Chase Field live they have an ERA of 0.00 in 27 innings (the one run the Giants did score was unearned).

Considering how bad the D-Backs have been, it is an extremely odd coincidence that they pitch like the Arizona Cy Youngs whenever I'm there.

Of course, every fan has told me that I should attend every game, but I know that this will enrage the Baseball Gods if I try to take advantage of their divine courtesy. Thus, I haven't been to a game since mid-June. However, I decided it had been long enough so I will be there tonight when the team hosts the Philadelphia Phillies.

Now, whether or not the Baseball Gods favor me will be put to the ultimate test. After all, the D-Backs have Garland on the mound (his ERA is 4.41!) and the Phillies have the best offense in the National League. The team has hit 138 homes runs and has scored 527 runs (leading the National League in both categories).

If the D-Backs somehow miraculously prevail AND keep the Phillies from scoring, then I will officially believe that I am favored by the Baseball Gods.

However, I have more than my share of doubts.

The Phillies have been extremely hot lately, winning 17 of 20 games and haven't lost a series since the start of the month. They have one of the most explosive offenses in the league. There is no way the D-Backs stand a chance, right?

Well, we'll find out tonight.

More Top Tweets of the Week...

2009-07-24T08:42:00.005-07:00

Some of the funniest Tweets from this past week from Twitter.com:

aedison
Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. And every time you have sex, this one angel gets his binoculars.

Remiel
If I had a nickel for every time the inflation rate increased, I'd probably have mixed feelings.

AlexDezen
(Lead Singer of The Damnwells)
Cops can't pull you over if they are in front of you. Not unless they're Timecop

There were two amusing threads. One paired actors from different movies and combined them into one movie title:

#fakecostars

ThatArmenianGuy
Samuel L. Jackson and Samuel L. Jackson in Black Snakes Moan on a Plane

HandOfAnubis
Paul Newman and John Candy Long Hot Summer Rental

maxwellh
Hilary Swank and Kiefer Sutherland in The Lost Boys Don't Cry

Montepenny
Julia Roberts, Gene Wilder, Patrick Swayze, George Romero and Nicole Kiman in Pretty Woman in Red Dawn of the Dead Calm

darinking
Steven Seagal & Gregory Peck in Hard to Kill a Mockingbird

gmwait
Charlton Heston and Kathy Bates in Soylent Green Tomatoes

leelubarsky
Daniel Day-Lewis and Kevin Bacon star in this tale of inspiration . . . and dancing - My Left Footloose

Another thread revealed some of the world's lesser-know conspiracy theories.

#conspiracies

CllrTim
The moon landing happened, but the launch was an elaborate hoax done with fireworks.

Scriblit
The Internet is actually run by a tiny psychic Leprechaun living in your Hard Drive.

djhanks
The red shift occurs not because the universe is expanding, but because it is embarrassed

JasperThorn
When you are drunk you let in little Alien people into your head; the 'hangover' is them moving in and putting up shelves

Widgett
The code found within the Bible is identical to that found within The Complete Works of Richard Scarry

Reel Quiz #3

2009-07-23T07:42:00.003-07:00

Yes! Your life is now complete once again as it’s time to test your knowledge of obscure cinema trivia one more time by answering the following ten multiple choice questions.

Score one point for each correct response. The answers, which are current through July 23, 2009, will be posted at the bottom.

For those who deem it necessary to validate your self-worth, feel free to base it on the following scale:

Reel Quiz Ratings Scale

9-10 Correct (Ph.D. in Film)
You are so talented that you could help Jim Carey win a Best Actor Oscar in the role of How the Grinch Stole Chanukah.

7-8 Correct (M.A. in Film)
You are an under-appreciated genius, doomed to forever film “quirky indie comedies” that delve into hot button topics such as pedophilia, necrophilia and anything to do with genitalia or paraphenilia.

5-6 Correct (B.A. in Film)
You are an avid film lover, but you don’t know the difference between a gaffer and a foley artist.

3-4 Correct (A.A. in Film)
You really should try to see more films that don't include multiple explosions.

1-2 Correct (Film School Dropout)
You are indeed an abject failure. You probably placed Waterworld on the top of your All-Time Favorite Films.

**************************

In the immortal words of Heath Ledger (in his role as The Joker) And here we go...

1) Which of the following titles IS NOT the actual name of a movie?

A) Castle Freak
B) Attack of the Killer Refrigerator
C) He's My Girl
D) I Married a Mute Kleptomaniac

2) Hollywood has produced an abundance of hot movie stars named Jennifer. Which of the following Jennifers has earned the most domestic box office overall, including all cameos and voice acting for animation (as of July of 2009)?

A) Jennifer Aniston
B) Jennifer Connelly
C) Jennifer Garner
D) Jennifer Lopez

3) Which of the following other hot Jennifers has earned the most domestic box office overall, including all cameos and voice acting for animation (as of July of 2009)?

A) Jennifer Grey
B) Jennifer Love Hewitt
C) Jennifer Jason Leigh
D) Jennifer Tilly

4) Which of the following DVDs sold the most units domestically in 2008?

A) The Dark Knight
B) Iron Man
C) Alvin and the Chipmunks
D) Kung Fu Panda

5) Which of the following DVDs sold the most units domestically in 2007?

A) 300
B) Happy Feet
C) Transformers
D) Shrek the Third

6) Which of the following actors has earned the most domestic box office overall, including all cameos and voice acting for animation (as of July of 2009)?

A) Bruce Willis
B) Tom Hanks
C) Tom Cruise
D) Robin Williams

7) Of that same pool of actors, which one has the highest box office average domestically (as of July of 2009)?

A) Bruce Willis
B) Tom Hanks
C) Tom Cruise
D) Robin Williams

8) Tom Hanks has starred in five films that have earned more than $200 million domestically (as of July 2009). Which one brought in the most box office bucks?

A) Cars
B) Forrest Gump
C) Saving Private Ryan
D) Toy Story 2

9) Which of the following titles IS the actual name of a movie?

A) The Rhythm of Rice
B) The Creature Wasn't Nice
C) The Bloodthirsty Accountant
D) Ghost Car II: Blood on the Highway

10) What name was Michael Keaton born with?

A) Michael Caine
B) Michael Jackson
C) Michael Douglas
D) Michael Myers

*************************

Answers:

(1) D (I Married a Mute Kleptomaniac!)
(2) C; Elektra (Garner) herself has raked in over $972 million. Aniston is second with over $926 million. Lopez has earned over $809 million and the Labyrinth leading lady (Connelly) has tallied over $737 million. All four women have earned well over one billion dollars in box office business worldwide.
(3) D; Jennifer Tilly has actually raked in more than each of the four Jennifers in question #3, as well. Thanks to Monsters, Inc., Stuart Little and Liar Liar, her total is over $975 million domestically. Jason Leigh has earned over $407 million and Dirty Dancing Grey has accrued over $251 million. Ghost Whisperer Love Hewitt has made over $507 million.
(4) A; The Dark Knight sold almost 11 million units.
(5) C; Transformers sold well over 13 million units.
(6) B; Hanks has garnered over $3.9 billion. Cruise has helped bring in over $3.2 billion, Williams is over $3.1 billion and Willis has a shade over $3 billion.
(7) C; Cruise has averaged about $96 million a film while Hanks trails closely with over a $94 million average. Williams averages over $59 million and Willis over $51 million.
(8) B; In fact, Forrest Gump is the only Hanks' film to bank over $300 million.
(9) B (The Creature Wasn't Nice)
(10) C; Apparently, Michael Douglas was already taken by the Romancing the Stone guy.

For now, Jennifer Tilly is the reigning Queen of the Box Office Babes Named Jennifer.

Note: All statistics for questions #2 through #8 were taken from www.the-numbers.com.

Batman and Robin Revisited (Part Three)

2009-07-22T00:35:00.000-07:00

(See Previous Passing Thoughts Blog Entries for Parts One and Two)

*******************

I will finally complete my running commentary of the 1997 film Batman and Robin for the five people out there who are interested.

(45:27 mark) In perhaps the biggest “Holy Shit” moment of the movie, Batman and Robin compete in an auction bid for Poison Ivy that reaches several million dollars before Batman suddenly pulls out a credit card with the bat logo on it. It actually says “Good thru forever." Batman is willing to pay millions in Bat Cash for an overacting Uma.

He even utters the line: “Never leave the cave without it."

This is the GREATEST MOMENT IN MOVIE HISTORY!

Fast Fact: Did you know that the budget for this film was over $140 million? That’s approximately one million for every time Arnold says the words “cool” or "cold."

(48:55 mark) Why are there giant half-naked bronze statues in every corner of Gotham? Did they rename it Gaytham in between films?

(49:25 mark) Honest to God, the key players are now engaged in a car chase on one of the aforementioned giant statues. It ends with three vehicles jumping from a giant open hand. I am speechless for a whole 30 seconds. Anybody who knows me understands this is an incredible feat.

Finally, I ask aloud: How did this movie only win one Razzie Award (Worst Supporting Actress: Alicia Silverstone)? Absolutely mind boggling.

(57:00 mark) Look, it’s the most psychedelic gang of street thugs ever. They are immersed in glow-in-the-dark black light body paint with shiny white skull-like faces, I feel like I climbed directly into a Joel Schumacher nightmare. Any second now, they’ll break out into a song and play Twister.

(57:21 mark) Actual dialog from head glowstick gang guy: “Hello, my pretty, pretty, pretty.” Was this nominated for a Best Screenplay Oscar?

Let's skip ahead a bit...

(1:13:55 mark) More Championship Caliber Dialog:

Robin: I can’t believe we were fighting over a bad guy.
Batman: Bad? Yes. Guy? No.

Who knew Batman was such a homophobe? Why then does he live in Gaytham City?

(1:22:21 mark) Poison Ivy unveils a disturbingly-cartoonish animatronic flower creature that will supposedly usher in a new era for mankind blah blah blah. Her plan is to repopulate the world from scratch. Arnold and Uma will be Adam and Eve. It kind of has a nice ring to it. I am now officially rooting for the bad guys.

(1:25:52 mark) During the ceremony when officials unveil Gotham’s new Super Gawdy Telescope, some ecstatic extra in a tux is jumping up and down like he’s just won the lottery. Regardless, he is still the best actor in this film.

(1:35:39 mark) Alfred the butler does an uncanny Max Headroom impersonation. Simply fantastic! But it raises a vexing question: what kind of perverted old man “takes the liberty” of designing a skin-tight rubber Batgirl outfit for his young adult niece?

(1:37:40 mark) Robin the Boy Blunder asks Poison Ivy: “Is your thumb the only thing on you that’s green?” Yowza, yowza, yowza. All we need now is some music: bow chicka mow mow.

(1:38:50 mark) Robin: “I hate to disappoint you, but rubber lips are immune to your charms.” Hmm. I believe rubber chickens are, as well.

(1:39:30 mark) Batgirl drops in (literally, of course) and scolds Ivy: “You’re about to become compost.” Kind of like this entire movie.

(1:40:45 mark) A giant venus flytrap plant eats Poison Ivy. I now realize that Joel Schumaker is basically Ed Wood with a big budget.

(1:41:37) Worst pun of the film, hands down: “Let’s kick some ice.”

Then, the movie really starts to go downhill.

Mr. Freeze encases all of Gotham in ice using the telescope, his freeze gun and... well, who really cares?

Robin says something insensitive about how all of the “gothamites” will be “ice cubes” permanently in another eight minutes or so. Batgirl figures they can save the city by using space satellites to reflect the “sunlight from the Congo” back to Gotham and thaw it out. There may be one problem with her plan: reality.

Long story short, the good guys win, but not before Batman taunts his enemy: “Hey Freeze, the heat is on.” That’s the best line the overpaid screenwriter could come up with? Glenn Frey must be rolling in his grave... well, if he was dead he certainly would be.

The Gothamites avoid their perpetual ice cube fate, and Alfred is magically saved from his made-up fatal disease in the happiest of endings. Well, almost. The Batman franchise did indeed die ingloriously and it disappeared for numerous years until the men from Momento and American Pscyho joined forces to successfully resurrect it.

Batman and Robin Revisited (Part Two)

2009-07-21T07:36:00.001-07:00

(See Previous Passing Thoughts Blog Entry for
Part One)

*******************

I will now resume my running commentary of the 1997 film Batman and Robin, starting with Uma Thurman's first appearance in the film.

(15:30 mark) Oh, Uma, Uma. You can certainly act better than this. You were nominated for an Oscar once, for God's sake.

(17:45 mark) A mad scientist with Yahoo Serious hair creates the supervillain Bane by pumping some involuntary guinea pig-schmuck full of green steroid venom juice. I would have called him “Bonds” but that’s just me.

(18:45 mark) Huh? The remorseless convict who was forced to undergo a disturbing and painful procedure decides to lay a beatdown on the bastard who tries to keep him restrained. Didn’t see that coming.

(20:40 mark) Note to self: Don’t throw a disgruntled crazy employee into a shallow grave of toxic chemicals and plant vines. She might soon turn into a supervillain and seek terrible vengeance.

(24:26 mark) Yup. She comes back! And, she's a lot sexier, too. Being buried in the ground with toxic chemicals will do that to you. It also makes Uma act even worse. Suddenly, she is speaking like a 1920s sexpot.

(27:53 mark) Of course. Mr. Freeze’s “Cryo-Suit” runs on diamonds. How practical.

(30:19 mark) And now, Alicia Silverstone makes her first appearance. She calls the Bat Butler “Uncle Alfred.” He can’t believe his niece came all the way from England. I can’t either, since she doesn’t even remotely have a British accent. She has more of a blonde accent.

(30:30 mark) Ms. Clueless reveals that both of her parents were killed in a car accident years ago. Does every superhero have to be an orphan? Let’s do the math: Batman plus Robin plus Batgirl = SIX dead parents.

(34:05 mark) Damn, Gotham is one ugly city. I think it was designed by cartoon characters on crack.

Everybody in Gotham was happy that the city planner
opted for the "Half-Naked Bronze Guy Cupping the Lamp
Post Balls" design for Old Town St.

(40:10 mark) Dancing, half-naked savages at some big Gotham bash are now swinging from vines over the crowd below. Visions of Haircut 100 singing Love Plus One prance around in my head. This movie is only slightly less gay than Brokeback Mountain.

(41:58 mark) This is difficult to describe. Somebody in a pink, puffy ape-suit (made out of what appears to be giant cotton balls) is getting his dance groove on. Oh wait, it’s revealed to be Poison Ivy. Whew. Thought we ventured into Surrealville for a moment, but...

(43:08 mark) Uma now dons a green feathery unitard. She also sports long magenta hair! She is very, very hot... until she speaks. Still, heterosexuals of the world have found a reason to keep watching.

(43:24 mark) Nope. Now, the gay-meter just exploded. The sheer Uma-ness of the scene apparently had to be balanced by a bunch of buff beefcakes in loin cloths. They actually lay on the ground flat so that Uma can walk on them. The critical voice inside me wonders if it all may be a smidge ostentatious.

I think I'll give my eyes a rest and try again tomorrow because I am a glutton for punishment.

To Be Continued Tomorrow...

Batman and Robin Revisited (Part One)

2009-07-20T07:59:00.002-07:00

Batman and Robin (1997)

Directed by: Joel Schumacher
Running Time: 2 hours and 4 minutes.

I first watched this film at its advance opening premiere in Tempe back in 1997. I wisely have avoided it since then but recently decided to watch it and provide a running commentary mentioning some of its highlights since all I remembered about it was the infamous Bat Nipples.

Shortly after the movie begins, the camera focuses in on a Nite-Brite Batmobile that looks likes it's powered by a spinning blue light disco ball.

Robin quips: "I want a car. Chicks dig the car." And, we're off. One of the worst films of all time begins with one of the stupidest opening lines ever. I feel like a boxer who was knocked to his knees by the first punch in Round One.

Already, I can't help but feel that the producers of this film bought neon lights at a bulk discount rate. Also, every scene looks like the aftermath of a tragic Crayola explosion.

(3:21 mark) Alfred inexplicably cries in the corner of the Bat-Cave. Apparently, he already knows how much of a suck-fest the film is going to be.

In the first fight between Batman and Robin vs. Mr. Freeze, ice skating goons that Robin refers to as the "hockey team from Hell" appear out of nowhere in a scene that looks straight out of Strange Brew. You know you're in trouble if an action movie is ripping off fight choreography from Bob and Doug McKenzie.

Anyway, The Governator awkwardly spits out his first line of this masterpiece: "The ice man cometh."

I wish he'd goeth away now.

Hey Bats, why do you think they're going through
all of this trouble for this cheesy-looking
fake diamond?

(7:02 mark) No #@$!ing way! Did Batman and Robin just click their heels together to make ice blades come out of their boots?

(7:30 mark) Oh, no he didn't! The Freezinator just tossed a security guard 25 feet up into the air to knock his freeze gun from off its perch on a giant rock. I am almost positive the exact same thing happened in Shakespeare's Merchant of Venice.

Random Questions Pop Into My Head As I Watch: Was everybody who worked on this film on drugs? Does Joel Schumacher even possess a soul? Wasn't Mr. Freeze a skinny old nerd in the comic books? Is it even physically possible for ice skaters to pole vault?

(9:58 mark) And now the former Mr. Universe has launched a rocket out of the Freeze Mobile with Robin hanging onto the side. Batman's sidekick must be stronger than gravity and physics combined.

(10:40 mark) Mr. Freeze informs Batman: "At 30,000 feet your heart will freeze and beat no more." This I did not know. I can't believe this man was elected Governor of California. I'm pretty sure his opponent would have won by a landslide if he simply showed clips of this film during the debates. At least this film can't get any worse.

(11:11 mark) Huh. I guess it can. Mr. Freeze just leaped from the high-speeding rocket and pulled on a rip cord to release giant metal wings from his Cryo-Suit.

(12:03 mark) Oh good, the dynamic duo managed to save Gotham from being turned into a smoking crater. They program the rocket to blow up in space (because the millions of tons of debris won't come back down eventually) then jump out of it using the thick metal doors as floating boogie boards. Are they #@$!ing with me? Was this written by Beavis and Butthead?

(13:24 mark) Fun fact, kiddos! You can plummet thousands of feet toward certain doom and break your fall at the last second by firing a freeze cannon at the ground, thus turning it into ice! Everybody knows that falling a mile and landing on ice (even softer slushy ice) would in no way shatter every bone in your body and turn your organs into soup.

To say this movie is over the top is a tad bit obvious, kind of like saying it is better to experience a two-hour orgasm than to be eaten alive by porcupines.

(13:47 mark) Yeah! Mr. Freeze turned Robin into a block of ice. No more inane dialog from you, Mr. O'Donnell! Unfortunately, we still have to listen to Mr. Schwarzenegger: "Stay cool, bird boy!"

(15:05 mark) Damn. Batman just thawed the Boy Hostage out. How can there be over an hour and 45 minutes left in this movie?

Oh wow, I don't think I can keep watching today. I'll see if I can stomach the rest tomorrow.

To Be Continued Tomorrow...

The Week's Top Tweets

2009-07-17T07:09:00.006-07:00

It's time to retweet some of the funniest Tweets from this past week from Twitter.com.

One of the most popular Twitter Trends was Chuck Norris and his INFINITE AWESOMENESS.

Lanceguitarist
The quickest way to a mans heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

Julian218
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

kaptainmyke
Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

popculturepost
Chuck Norris doesn't die, he multiplies.

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about.

OhliviaEs
When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.

MissSquire
Chuck norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

marpop
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

KaiserGuira
how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? All of it

There were a few Tweets not related to Chuck Norris, as well:

badbanana
Bruno made $30.4 million this weekend. It's the biggest opening for a gay mockumentary since Top Gun.

The secret to drinking on the job is to not care about the consequences.

aedison
I glad I don't have haemophilia, because that would make me so depressed I'd want to cut myself.

iTwiddle
Seriously, who decided that 'white' was a good colour for underwear??

I'm against picketing. Now how do I show it?!

Zombie Mania 2! Haiku? Bless You!

2009-07-16T07:38:00.004-07:00

A little while back, I noted how many things in the world could be transformed into sheer awesomeness simply by adding a “zombie” element to them.

While perusing the aisles of a bookstore recently, I found further proof of this Nobel Prize-deserving theory.

Zombie haiku poetry.

Really, do I need to say anything else?

Everybody remembers haikus, right? We learned about them in 6th grade or so when our English teacher said they consisted of three simple lines with the following syllable scheme:

first line = 5 syllables;
second line = 7 syllables;
third line = 5 syllables.

I remember we were all required to write one before the end of the class. I can’t recall mine verbatim, but this would be pretty darn close:

When will the bell ring?
Will English class ever end?
No, no it will not.

Surprisingly, I did not win the Pulitzer that year.

But, enough about haikus... let's get to the zombie aspect of today's topic. I believe the undead are too often victims of discrimination. Seriously. How many people really feel comfortable around zombies? Is that even the right term, or is that word biased? I think the proper term is undead-Americans.

Truth be told, I wouldn’t want my nephew or niece to marry a corpse, even a mobile one. It would only be a matter of time before they were infected with the zombie virus and become one themselves. There, I admitted it. Clearly, I’m a racist, or a bigot, or an alivist (probably the most accurate term).

Yet, despite my disgust, I still believe zombies have rights, not the least of which is to be published. In this case, a guy named Ryan Mecum (which rhymes with lion cecum) wrote a vivid first-hand account of the undead experience called, appropriately enough, Zombie Haiku. It is quite chilling to read, and very educational.

Here is a sample of his zombie haiku poetry:

You are so lucky
that I do not remember
how to use door knobs.

Good stuff, though it does play into the whole stereotype of the undead being brainless. True, many zombies are notoriously stupid and are even known to eat their own limbs, for example. That is a direct result of their unholy, unquenchable hunger. Zombies simply can’t stop eating the living until... well, they are living no more. (Only sexy gun-toting supermodels-turned-actresses seem to be exempt from this phenomenon.)

I find it interesting that a “brainless” creature would crave brains so much, and yet, the only way to kill (or re-kill) a zombie is to destroy its brains. So, indeed, they have brains, or they wouldn’t be staggering around ever-so-slowly looking for more brains.

My own personal distrust and fear of zombies stems largely from their pale, maggot-infested complexion and their rotting, mangled limbs. (I'm also not a big fan of the "eye dangling from the socket like a cat toy" look, either.)

I know it’s wrong, but I at least am trying to make inroads on the matter. Still, it's satisfying to know that adding a touch of zombie flavor to things certainly makes them seem freshly alive again. Oh, the zombie irony.

With that thought, I will leave you with one more example of Mecum’s zombie haiku poetry:

Biting into heads
is much harder than it looks.
The skull is feisty.

Words to live by.

For more information on this phenomenon, visit http://www.zombiehaiku.com.

Reel Quiz #2

2009-07-15T07:25:00.002-07:00

Once again, it’s time to test your vast knowledge of obscure cinema trivia by answering ten multiple choice questions.

Score one point for each correct response. The answers, which are current through July of 2009, will be posted at the bottom. I apologize for the "old school" format.

For those who deem it necessary to validate your self-worth, feel free to base it on the following scale:

Reel Quiz Ratings Scale

9-10 Correct (Ph.D. in Film)
You are so talented that you could turn Leprechaun 7 into Box Office Gold.

7-8 Correct (M.A. in Film)
You are an under-appreciated genius, nominated countless times, but have yet to take the Golden Boy home with you.

5-6 Correct (B.A. in Film)
You enjoy film, but you don’t know your A roll from your B roll.

3-4 Correct (A.A. in Film)
Stop watching Weekend at Bernie's and try something new!

1-2 Correct (Film School Dropout)
You are every bit as intelligent as the gum underneath the movie seat cushion.

(1) Über-Lakers fan Jack Nicholson has been nominated for how many Best Actor Oscars (in both a supporting and leading capacity)?

A) 8
B) 10
C) 12
D) 47

(2) How many times has he won in either category?

A) 2
B) 3
C) 5
D) 44

3) Titanic received 14 Oscar nominations in 1997 placing it as the most nominated movie of all time along with what other film?

A) Gone With the Wind
B) Satanic Yuppies
C) Schindler's List
D) All About Eve

4) The Golden Razzies have been celebrating the worst films of the year for almost three decades now. Which male star has earned the most nominations and wins for the Worst Actor Razzie (in both leading and supporting roles)?

A) Sylvester Stallone
B) Jean-Claude Van Damme
C) Kevin Costner
D) Bette Davis

5) Which female star has earned the most nominations and wins for the Worst Actress Razzie (in both leading and supporting roles) as of right now?

A) Bo Derek
B) Patrick Swayze
C) Madonna
D) Bette Midler

6) According to the Golden Razzies, what is the worst motion picture of all-time (as of 2008)?

A) Showgirls
B) I Know Who Killed Me
C) Battlefield Earth
D) Swept Away

7) Which of the following songs from a popular dance movie has never won an Oscar for Best Song?

A) "I've Had the Time of My Life" -- Dirty Dancing
B) "Say You, Say Me" -- White Nights
C) "Flashdance... What a Feeling" -- Flashdance
D) "Footloose" -- Footloose

8) Which of the following blockbuster hits never surpassed the $100 million mark for domestic box office sales during its original theatrical run?

A) Beverly Hills Cop
B) Silence of the Lambs
C) Die Hard
D) Back to the Future, Part II

9) Rock-n-roll icon David Crosby has acted in several movies, but unfortunately, years of smoking his own brand of "silly cigarettes" has damaged some of his memory. Can you tell him which of the following films he did NOT have a credited role in?

A) Hook
B) Backdraft
C) Cliffhanger
D) Thunderheart

10) In the 1997 film Devil's Advocate, what was the name of the Devil played by Al Pacino?

A) John Milton
B) Jack Daniels
C) Lou Cypher
D) Damien Deville

*************************

Answers:

(1) C (12)
(2) B (3); He won in 1997 for As Good As It Gets (Leading Role), in 1984 for Terms of Endearment (Supporting Role) and in 1975 for One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (Leading Role).
(3) D (All About Eve)
(4) A; Sly Stallone has been nominated 30 times and has won 10. The man is prolific.
(5) C; Madonna has been nominated 15 times with 9 wins. She is way more efficient than Sly.
(6) B; Yes, the Lindsey Lohan movie (I Know Who Killed Me) about tortured twins earned eight awards in 2007. Battlefield Earth (2000) and Showgirls (1995) each won seven awards in their respective years of release.
(7) D (Footloose); That certainly makes me want to kick off my Sunday shoes.
(8) C; Die Hard only grossed about $81 million. Beverly Hills Cop earned $234 million; Silence of the Lambs carved up over $130 million; and Back to the Future, Part II raced out to over $118 million.
(9) C (Cliffhanger)
(10) A (John Milton)